#WIAE Chapter 9

Kanina pa ako hindi mapakali. I wanted to come... but at the same time, I didn't want to. I didn't want to see Avo being cruel to someone first hand. I was afraid that whatever I see, it would change something between us. Because despite the fact that I was a part of this world—this crazy, stupid, bloody world—I had never once embraced the fact. I didn't like the killings. I didn't enjoy the gore. If I could change one thing in my life, I couldn't... because I would want to change everything.

I wanted to have a normal life. I wanted to live a normal life. But my life was anything but normal.

"Hindi ka pupunta?" Cathy asked. She was already dressed up. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan pa niyang magbihis ng maganda. She would just watch somebody get enslaved by the Dieux. I didn't think it was a black tie occasion.

I couldn't give her an answer. Ayaw ni Avo na pumunta ako... At ayaw ko rin naman. But a part of me wanted to come.

"Ano ba ang meron 'dun?" I asked again. Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe I just assumed the worst. Palibasa kasi ay alam ko na tiga-pag-mana si Avo ng Mafia, iba na agad iyong naiisip ko sa kanya.

She shrugged and combed her already perfected hair. "Usual lang."

I looked at her with my forehead in crease. She sighed when she saw me.

"Oops. I forgot na newbie ka nga pala dito," she said and then she sat down beside me. "Anyway, yearly kasi, may ginagawang slave iyong mga Dieux mula sa mga Quatrième."

"Necessary ba 'yun?" I asked.

She nodded.

"Bakit? Bakit kailangan pa nila na gawing slaves iyong mga Quatrième? Hindi ba pare-pareho lang naman tayo na estudyante dito?" I said, exasperated. This hierarchy system was eating me inside out. Bakit ba kailangan pang gawin iyon? Ano ba ang mapapala nila? Did it give them joy to see someone suffering? Ganitong uri ba talaga ng mga tao ang nasa mundo na ginagalawan ko?

Cathy smiled and then combed my hair.

"Boe, my dear Boe," she cooed. "Your naivety is refreshing pero kailangan nating tanggalin 'yan, okay? In the world we live in, the innocent ones get to die first. The more trusting you are, the more you are putting your life at risk."

"But you? Hindi rin kita pwedeng pagkatiwalaan?"

Cathy smiled.

"You can... but I'd rather you won't. Mas mabuti kasi na wala kang pagkaka-tiwalaan ng sobra. Because when you put your trust in someone, you give them the power to hurt you."

And this reminded me that even though Cathy had been good to me, isa pa rin siyang tao na lumaki sa mundo na 'to. Maybe like me, she had seen death countless of times. And going through that would make you lose trust in humanity altogether. It was still a wonder kung paano ko nagagawang makipagkaibigan. Because I had seen more death that it made me wonder if life was still worth living. Na kahit ano'ng paghihirap at pagsusumikap ang gawin mo, one wrong move and you'd end up dead.

That you'd always have to measure your every move dahil kapag hindi nagustuhan ng mas mataas sa 'yo, it's so easy to pull the trigger.

"But if you don't want to come, it's fine. Just pretend that you're down with something, okay? 'Di ka naman mapipilit pumunta kung may sakit ka," she said.

Naka-alis na si Cathy pero ako, nag-iisip pa rin kung ano ang gagawin ko. It wasn't as if I had much of a choice. Para kasing isang malaking kulungan itong AdM. Walang internet, hindi pwedeng tumawag sa labas. Wala akong masyadong pwedeng gawin... And since attendance was mandatory for that tradition, malamang lahat ng tao ay nasa auditorium din mamaya.

Mula sa kwarto namin, naririnig ko iyong nangyayari sa auditorium. Sobrang ingay ba nila para marinig ko hanggang dito? Kasi ang layo na ng dorm sa mismong school, e. Pero dahil na rin sa ingay, napagdesisyunan ko na umalis. I quickly grabbed a jacket and covered myself up. Malamig kasi sa AdM kapag gabi dahil maraming puno sa school.

I passed by the auditorium but I fought the urge to go inside. I didn't want to see whatever was happening. If Avo was being mean to someone, I didn't want to see it. I'd rather remain clueless than to see the reality. Dumiretso ako sa shooting range. Naisip ko na magpractice na lang para naman hindi na ako pag-initan ng prof namin sa klase. Kahit naman kasi naturuan na ako ni Avo, it was just enough for me not to look foolish during the diagnostic exam. And I knew that my mediocre shooting skill wouldn't suffice once na magkaroon na kami ng exams.

"Stupid, stupid school," I kept on uttering to myself as I shoot the target. "I asked to attend a school pero dito ako napunta. How specific should I be para maintindihan ako ng parents ko?" And another shot, this time closer to the middle. "I'd rather attend a normal school and be followed by guards around kaysa dito sa school na 'to."

And I fired and fired and fired hanggang sa maubusan na ako ng bala. I was panting real hard when I was done. I was freaking frustrated!

"This school isn't so bad."

Agad akong napahawak sa dibdib ko nung may magsalita sa likuran ko.

"Night!" I said nung makita ko siya sa likuran ko. He was holding a gun, too. "Kanina ka pa?"

Umiling siya.

"I just got here," he said and then wore ear muffs. He cocked the gun and then in a split second, he began firing. He didn't even have to aim. Bigla na lang siyang bumaril. Ilang segundo bago siya natapos and when he was done, he got the target paper. Isa lang iyong butas. He was really good at aiming!

"Ang galing mo!" I said in awe.

"Avo's a better shooter," he replied. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

I shrugged. "Bawal daw akong pumunta sabi ni Avo," I said, instead. Ayokong sabihin na ayokong pumunta dahil ayoko silang makita na inaapi iyong mga Quatrième. "Tapos na ba?"

He nodded and then removed the magazine from the gun.

"Ano'ng nangyari?"

"Nothing," he said as he was putting bullets in the magazine.

"Nothing?"

"Yeah... It was boring."

I wanted to ask more but Night was the kind of person na magsasabi kung gusto niyang magsalita. And though we weren't close yet, ramdam ko na ayaw niyang makipag-usap ngayon. I had no idea what transpired tonight but I figured he needed space so I quickly exited. Mukhang problemado si Night. Tungkol kaya kay Laurie? Hindi ko kasi siya masyadong nakikita lately.

But before I could even take a step away, nagsalita ulit si Night.

"Boe," he said and I stopped on my track. "You won't tell Avo anything, right?"

I nodded.

"Good."

Iyon lang tapos umalis na ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang importante na hindi ko sabihin kay Avo kung ano iyong nangyari pero baka nga para sa mas makakabuti iyon... Though I also wanted to know who wanted to hurt me. Hindi na siya nakuntento nung halos patayin niya ako sa sobrang lamig, kinailangan niya pa akong lasunin. Whoever that person was, he or she was persistent. And good, also. Ni hindi nahagip ng camera iyong mukha. Puro likod lang ang nakuhanan kaya wala rin kaming clue kung sinuman iyon.

Paglabas ko, bigla akong nakaramdam ng gutom dahil nakakapagod din pala na bumaril. Dumiretso ako sa convenience store dahil medyo nawalan ako ng tiwala sa mga pagkain sa resto. Malay ko ba kung may access pala iyong gustong pumatay sa akin sa mga pagkain? At least sa convenience store, random ang kakainin ko. Mas mababa ang probability na malason ako.

As I was walking toward the convenience store, someone tugged my arm.

"Avo."

He was looking at me. Hindi siya nagsasalita.

"Tell me what to do," he said. I couldn't read his eyes... And maybe I couldn't. At all. Mas madalas pa na hindi ko maintindihan si Avo. He's too deep and he's not giving away anything. Kung hindi niya sasabihin, hindi ko malalaman. He's too enclosed. And sometimes, too cold. But he's something else. He's something that managed to pull me close every single time.

"Ha?"

"I don't want you mad at me."

Hindi ako naka-sagot. Why was he so afraid of me?

"I'm not mad... Just disappointed."

"And that's even worse."

"How is that worse?"

He was still looking at me with those eyes. Nakaka-lunod.

"If you're mad, it means I did something to upset you. But if you're disappointed, it means I didn't live up to your expectations. It means I failed. And I don't fail, Boe. I don't do failures. Much more when it's related to you."

Napa-awang iyong labi ko sa mga sinabi niya. Was my opinion of him that important? Ano ba ang meron sa akin para maging ganito ako ka-importante sa kanya?

"Avo..."

Naka-tingin lang siya sa akin, but the worry in his eyes was very visible. The entire population was afraid of him... but he was afraid of me. Nakaka-tawa.

"It's okay," I said. "Just... don't do it in front of me. Ayokong makita kung anuman ang gagawin mo sa Quatrième na mapipili mo," I explained. Hindi ko talaga kaya kapag pinahirapan nila kung sinuman ang mapili nila.

"I promise I won't harm her."

Napa-tingin ako agad.

"Her?"

He nodded.

"Maganda ba?"

Kumunot ang noo niya.

"What?"

"Is she pretty?"

"I don't know."

"Ano'ng you don't know? Maganda ba? Ha? Bakit sa lahat ng Quatrième, siya ang napili mo? Wala bang lalaki?" sunud-sunod na tanong ko. Sino ba ang babae na 'yun para siya pa ang mapili? Ang alam ko madaming scholar sa AdM, e! What's so special about her para siya pa ang piliin ni Avo?

Naka-kunot ang noo ni Avo na para bang hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit ako nagkaka-ganito. Siya nga dyan na pati kaibigan niya ay pinagseselosan, tapos hindi niya alam kung bakit ako ganito? He's just so weird!

"I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a guy with you," he explained.

"What?"

"I'd be gone for days at a time. My family needs me," he explained. Naalala ko na naman iyong sinabi ni Night na na-kidnap iyong Ate ni Avo. "When I'm gone, she'll assist you and look after you. That's her only task."

And it was my turn to have my forehead in crease.

"Ha?"

Avo held my hand. And then pulled me close and hugged me. His body relaxed when I returned his embrace. I loved it when he's this close. Nararamdaman ko iyong bawat tibok ng puso niya and it put me at ease. I knew he'd protect me. He's crazy and weird but I knew he's true. Kahit na sobrang bilis ng pangyayari at hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan kung bakit at papaano, I knew I could trust him.

And he's the only one I trust my life with. I could trust him. I could feel it.

"She only needs to make sure that you're okay. That's her only task."

Napa-ngiti ako.

"Thank you," I whispered and tightened the hug. "This means a lot to me, Avo."

That's there's still a shed of hope left. That the blood flowing inside his veins wasn't straight up cold.

He cupped my face and said, "So you better make sure that you won't be harmed, Boe, because I'd have her life once something bad happens to you."

He was gently caressing my face with his fingers but my body shuddered with fear. Because it was clear that whoever would be looking after me would die once anything unfortunate befalls onto me. And this was so f ucking bad because someone's already after me.