George left me alone not long after, suggesting I take my lunch in my bedroom rather than in the dining room with everyone else. I was hardly in a position to argue. Although my breathing had stabilised and my hands had stopped shaking, my mind still spun faster than I wanted it to. I had hoped it would calm down, but that seemed unlikely until I dealt with the other issues.

After lunch, I sat on the window seat, hugging my knees against my chest and the windows thrown wide open. I would have to face Father that afternoon. If I put it off, I knew I would never do it and George was right about me needing to fix our relationship before it became impossible to solve. I just didn't know the best way to approach him.

Father had never been an easy person to talk to. Over the years, I found it easier to not tell him a thing, and it worked for the two of us rather well. We had been close when I had been younger, but he always expected far more of me than I was willing to give him. I wasn't the son he wanted, and he always resented me for it.

I sat on the window seat and tried to figure out the best way to approach him. George had informed me that he would be in his study all afternoon, which gave me the perfect opportunity to speak to him; I just needed to find the words. If I could have written it all down and handed it to him, it would have made my life far easier, but Father would never allow me to do that. He wanted me to speak to him.

The afternoon slowly ticked away from me, and I knew I was wasting time. I huffed, climbing off the window seat and standing up. I quickly straightened my clothing, redid my top button, and left the room. Almost immediately, I wanted to return to my room and window seat. I wanted to curl up with one of my books and ignore the world. No matter how much I might have wanted to do it, I couldn't.

I walked down the hallway, knotting my hands in front of me and taking several deep breaths as I came to a stop outside Father's study. I knocked lightly. The tremble returned to my fingers.

"Enter," Father said from within.

I twisted the door handle and stepped inside. Father looked up from his desk, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Nathaniel? What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if we could talk."

"Very well." He gestured to the chair opposite him. "Take a seat."

Father placed his pen down and shuffled his papers out of the way. He removed his glasses and sat back in his chair. Amusement danced in his eyes. I crept forward, closing the door behind me. I clenched my fists at my side and tried to keep my breathing as steady as I could. The last thing I needed was for Father to see me in the state I had been in just a few hours before. He was already disappointed in me and I had no intention of making it any worse.

"Where were you at luncheon?" he asked.

"I ate in my room. I was studying and didn't want to stop."

George thought it best that I lie rather than tell the truth, but Father always saw through my lies. I bit the inside of my cheek as he raised an eyebrow at me. If he didn't believe me, then I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Lying had never been my strong suit and I could already feel the pressure from his stare building up inside me.

"Very well." He cleared his throat. "What do you wish to discuss? I'd have thought you would be too busy with Miss Edwards."

"Alice is with her." I wiped my hands — my palms now slick with sweat — on my trousers. "I wanted to discuss the other day, about Miss Marlow."

"My decision on that particular topic is final, Nathaniel. The Marlow's will be coming for supper in two days' time and I am not going to cancel."

"I wasn't going to ask you to cancel."

"Then what is it?" He gestured to his paperwork. "I have a lot of things to be getting on with, as I am sure you do, too."

I ran my hands along my thighs several times to try to clear the sweat. The feeling of the fabric helped to ground me in the room, for my mind to adjust to where I was and deal with the discussion to come. George had told me that I needed to keep a cool head when with Father. He had told me I needed to focus on the things in the room I could touch in order to stop myself from spiralling too far.

Father looked at me, a trace of annoyance flashing in his eyes as I tried to figure out what to say. I could have gone over a speech several times in my head, but saying it out loud would always be harder. The clock above his fireplace ticked loudly. Every tick sounded louder than the last until it felt like a set of bells were ringing in my brain.

"Well?"

"I wanted to apologise for the other day," I said, clearing my throat. "My behaviour was appalling and I never should have spoken out of turn. You and Mother were only trying to do what is best for me and I stepped out of line."

"You are right there. I have never been spoken to in such a way before and I won't tolerate that sort of behaviour again." He pressed his hands onto the desk. "I just don't understand what is going on with you these days. First, you speak out of turn with that stable boy, and now this. I thought we had come to an understanding, Nathaniel, especially after our conversation a week ago."

"Me too. I just wasn't thinking, that's all."

"That is obvious."

I clenched my fists and unfurled them, scratching my nails along the fabric of my trousers. My heart thumped in my chest. "If you think that my match to Miss Marlow is a decent one, then I am willing to test the waters and find out for myself. However, I want to make the final decision on my own."

Father stared at me. "I am not sure you should be trusted with a decision such as this one. You have already proven to me, countless times in recent weeks, that you do not have the maturity I expect from someone coming of age and having to make such a decision."

"You promised that this choice would be mine to make when I wish to make it. I will accept the supper, I will accept the possibility of Miss Marlow and I being a suitable match if you let me make the decision when I wish to make it."

"We shall see how this supper goes and then I will give my final word on this matter. However, I expect you to be on your best behaviour throughout the evening and the days leading up to it. If you put a toe out of line or do anything to disrupt the supper, you will have no say and my word will be final. Is that understood, Nathaniel?"

"Yes, Father."

"Good." He grabbed his glasses and waved them dismissively towards me. "Now, I have some work to be getting on with you and you most likely have some studying you should be doing. Off you go."

"Yes, Father."

I stood up and stepped away from the desk. My hands shook a little, but it wasn't enough for it to be noticeable to anyone else, and I was more than certain that Father wouldn't notice if he did see it. Before I left his study, I glanced backwards to Father, who had already returned to his pile of paperwork as though I had never been in the room. I expected nothing less from him, but I had hoped the discussion would be a little more productive than it was.

He said nothing as I stepped out of his study. The door closed tightly behind me and I rushed down the hall to my room, closing the door and pressing my back against the wood. My chest squeezed, and I breathed deeply, anger coursing through my veins. I tried to fight it, closing my eyes and taking several deep breaths to steady my heart racing in my chest. This didn't feel like it had earlier that day, but it wasn't far off.

When my breathing had stabilised enough, I pushed myself off the door and crossed back to the window seat. I sat on the cushion and gazed out of the window. The light breeze shook the trees, birds hopped around the tallest tree branches as the squirrels ran up the trunks and disappeared into the canopy. I itched to get back outside and go for a ride on Lightning, but I knew I couldn't just ride my problems away.

Father might have offered me the chance to talk to him, but it didn't seem like any of our problems had been resolved. He still didn't trust me to make my own mind up on my future relationships and he still treated me like a child. I didn't understand how I was supposed to make amends and solve everything when he refused to offer me the time of day in order to do so. My studies at Cambridge could not come sooner if he continued to treat me in such a way.

"Nate!" My door smashed open, revealing Alice standing in the doorway with an enormous grin on her face. "You'll never guess what I just found out!"

I brushed my hair off my forehead. "What is it, Alice?"

"Miss Edwards and I were talking and she let slip that her mother's name had been Harriet."

"And this is good news because?"

Alice frowned. "Well, it gives you a little more to go on than you had before. Maybe you can find out where she came from with it."

"I doubt it will help. George has already asked around if anyone knew of someone called Rebecca Edwards and he came up empty. This will probably be the same."

"What's wrong?" She stepped into my room, partially closing the door. "I thought you would be excited about this. It is a new piece of information, after all."

I ran my hands over my trousers and stood up. "Nothing, I just have other things to focus on at the moment."

"Which are? Come on, Nate, helping Miss Edwards was your idea, but now you barely look interested. I thought this was important to you."

"It is, but so is this supper with Miss Marlow. Besides, I don't think we're likely to get much more information out of Miss Edwards than we have already. That, and you are far better with her than I am."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is. She is far more comfortable around you. In the few days you've been working with her, we know the name of her mother, her father's old horse, and a cat that used to live with them. That is more information than I got across an entire week."

Alice crossed the room and took a seat on my bed, staring at me with shock etched on her face. Perhaps I should have found a better way to inform her of my latest revelations, but she didn't give me the option to tell her any other way. Besides, she needed to know sooner rather than later. I had to focus on this supper with the Marlows and ensuring that it all went as smoothly as possible and I couldn't do that with Rebecca playing on my mind.

"Nate, what is going on with you? First, you're yelling at Father for arranging this supper, now you're saying it's important to you and Miss Edwards isn't. Taking her in had been your idea, but now you are acting as though you couldn't care less. This isn't like you."

"Right, because you know what I'm like." I shook my head and turned away. "George is already doing all he can to find out where Miss Edwards has come from and I even asked Joseph to try to find out anything about a horse called Abacus. There is little else for me to do from her and I do not want to get on Father's bad side any more than I already am."

"So that's it? You're just finished with this?"

I ran a hand through my hair. "For the time being, yes. If George or Joseph come back with anything useful, then I will help, but for now, I am about as useful as invisible ink." I turned back to her. "I have some studying to get on with."

"Very well." Alice stood up. "I never thought I would see you like this, Nate. You remind me of Father."

With that, Alice stormed from the room, leaving the door slightly open because she knew how much it would annoy me. I crossed the room and slammed the door to close it fully. Blood roared in my ear and I pressed my forehead against the cool wood of the door, taking several deep breaths.

It didn't matter what I did, or who I tried to please, someone was always going to be far at me. Father was mad at me for wanting to choose my own future and help Rebecca. Alice was mad at me for trying to mend my relationship with Father. Every step forward felt like two steps backwards and closer to the edge of a large drop. With every step back, the edge looked more and more inviting.

All I wanted to do was step off the edge and fall into the darkness at the bottom. I was sure it would please everyone else, Father more so than the others.

I didn't know how much of it I could take.

~~~

A/N - It's a new week and a new chapter! I am pleased to report that When The Rain Falls is now FINISHED offline - I finished like ten minutes ago. I cannot wait for you to read it!

Questions!

Is Nate right to push Alice away? Should he be following his Father's orders?

Comment below!

First Published - March 7th, 2023