Chapter Twenty-Three

[UNEDITED]

I'll ask her to dance with me tonight.

That's what I had initially thought to do. Then I looked over, smiling from the middle of the dance floor and at her back that was touched by a familiar hand. Up my eyes went and now they're watering from my shaking I commit to by the outer breaks of the building. Head in knees. Then standing and screaming, my anxiety runs ship. A panic ensues and I'm alone screaming wanting something to dim the pain of remembering. Sinking. I hunch and crutch. The addiction I taste by the roof of my mouth. Salivate. I want it. I want it.

I need whitey.

[2 hours earlier]

It's dark when we arrive.

The entire ride over, Taehyung tried not glance your way. Staring out to the lands they passed, he thought to the morning and the butterflies he got when talking to Jin. Showered, scented in mint, Taehyung strolled out in his towel and nakedness while Jin whistled for him to get dressed. Knotting and holding the towel in place, Taehyung said what had bothered him for days. He held Jin's arm and said, "I'm sorry for being disrespectful and pushing you...that day with Oki and all." With a head ducked, Jin smiled and planted nothing but a reassured nod his way. As the older friend strutted, he amusingly whistled into a tune, "Got a new girl on your tail and you're suddenly making sense of life, huh?" Taehyung didn't like that. Jin talked about you as he left, insinuating that he showered, apologized, and got up this morning to impress you. Taehyung didn't like that.

Two hours later, after Taehyung's afternoon classes were over, he sat smiling at the essay marks that piled in. He had done it. He succeeded and brought his mark up to a 70, for a course he was doomed to fail in. Not the happiest, his potential and ego thrived, water at his eyes circled. I did it, I really did it. Hoseok came to invite him dancing, but the excited boy flashed his pride. "Cleanin' up your act for your new friend huh? When you going to ask her out?" Taehyung's smile fell, and his watered eyes ran dry. He coughed and asked then, "What? What does my mark got anything to do with her?" Hoseok slapped Taehyung's arm, told him he was kidding, and congratulated a second time. The first stuck. Taehyung put his marks away.

Then, eating a delicious bagel with you by his side, he smiled and laughed and told you stories when asked. It always surprised him why he was able to talk to you about this. All of this. From Ella, to heartbreak, to his anxiety and his...attempts. But he kept his promise and involved you in moments of his life when he wasn't breaking down. When he was happiest. When he was in his own mind and got himself to that position without help. Help is nice. Help is very nice. But he didn't want help from you. He didn't want to depend on a girl his heart was starting to beat in rapid beats for.

"Well...you," you had said. Heart raced. Taehyung couldn't breath. His body shut down and the tension that spread into his muscles, his eyebrows, his lips, all mumbled out a rejection he didn't want to give. He wanted to add another girl on to the list he had blabbered, a girl that had been on his mind a lot, a girl who had helped him without truly being around a lot. A girl who his heart would get rapid in beats for. He wanted to say, "I've been feeling the same about you," then kiss those pretty lips until you got tired enough to stop him.

Instead, his mind formulated his life and his stage and his progress and all he could think was, not yet. He thought of Jin singing, Hoseok's joke, but most important, his own words of insecurity that always knocked him over and over with the, not her not her not her, you'll ruin her, you'll ruin what she is and stands for, you'll hurt her you'll ruin her. You noticed his face, how disappointed and sad he looked and saved the obvious rejection, "The time on the hood when you were high and drunk. I know it didn't mean anything to you...don't worry. No use of sweating about it since we're friends," you said. Taehyung went with it when you smiled.

"...I'm sorry..." I'm sorry I can't be honest with you, he wanted to say. But he didn't when you shrugged the confession under the same he used to with his blocks of packaged weed. Unlike his selling days, the confidence now drained only to spark when sat next to you in the car. He changed into Jin's jacket, threw on a hat, and scooted over to pull the hair tie out of your hair. You gaped and him and he smirked. He made up his mind when sealed back, tie flung into his pocket. I'll definitely dance with her tonight, he thought, I'll be honest, just be honest.

Now, dark when we arrive. Taehyung hops out and rush to your side to hold the door for you. Jin beats him to it, shoulders sulk a tad, only to redeem when Taehyung's hand props open to hold yours when you stand out. The way you shake when the wind hits your shoulders makes it obvious you're insecure of your attire when spotting dresses, glammed makeup, and done-up hair entering to party inside. "Don't worry," Taehyung says, squeezing you hand then forcing himself to let go.

We wait for the others, not knowing this place since Hoseok picks it as a first. On the hood of the car, Taehyung wants to turn over and talk to you alone, but Jin sits close by him. Whenever he leans over to your ear and says, "I" to start a conversation, Jin pipes up with a loud, "What you two talking about?" The conversations shut down fast.

You flush when Taehyung's head dips too close to your nose. In the dark, you notice how red his cheeks get too, but choke that up to the wind that starts to get chillier around.

Hoseok and Pela arrive, and Taehyung looks to Pela. Not for reasons Jin and Hoseok do, but for because of the sweat that cramps in his hands as he waits for Jimin to come and see how closely Pela and Hoseok stand next to the other. "Wow! Hi!" Taehyung yells too loud, hugging Hoseok tight before attacking Pela's body and scrunching up her skin-tight dress when picking her up in his arms and placing her on the opposite side of the 'friend's circle'. The woman shrieks by his ear, pats his chest, then glances at you in confusion. Taehyung sees the horror in your eyes when you shrug in response to the unasked question.

Clapping his hands together, Taehyung shouts, "Alright! We ready to get our party on?!"

"I know you're always forgetting me but wait up this time," Jimin's voice mumbles in as a car's door slams shut. He walks over in ripped jeans, an overly loose white shirt, and black glasses that are rest on his head. His eyes are tired, his face somber. He waves at all that wave his way before locking his car doors and scoffing Taehyung's silent direction.

Before Taehyung can greet him, a, "Wait up!" following a giggle runs to pat Jimin's back as an unfamiliar woman hangs on to Jimin. He's brought a date?

The confusion addresses fast when Jimin's eyes meet the one in the skin-tight dress. His jaw loosens, and he fumbles with a walk, "Hi, wow, wait," he glances at you and he panic, glaring at Taehyung. "What is Pela doing here? Why didn't you warn me?" The love-struck boy whines. Glancing down at Jimin's hand that grabs his arm, Taehyung shakes off the feeling of wanting to pull his friend into a hug as he says, "I didn't know from before...and it's not like we've been talking much lately." With that, Jimin's hand falls.

"Let's go?" Pela grabs Hoseok's hand and pulls towards the entrance doors with a giggle. Jimin freezes and Taehyung bumps straight into the man's back with a curse. Tense, Taehyung sighs and says, "Jimin wait, I got this, I got you—" Jimin grabs the hand of the girl who talks to Jin about his car, dragging her to the entrance in silenced anger. You watch the interaction with soft eyes, noticing the sadness on Taehyung's face, you watch Jin leave and finally have a standard second alone with the man.

"What's wrong? He say something?" you ask. Taehyung shakes his head, "No. He's just...I've just been a bad friend to him, that's all." He smiles. In a movement forward to join the music that blares, Taehyung arches his hand to grab yours sneakily but fails when you pull fingers to knot in nervousness with each other just below your chest.

You walk forward. He follows with a long sigh. This is going to be a beautiful night...Great start. Great start.

Nor was it a great middle. Jimin moped at the booth with the girl begging to dance by his side. Instead, the boy watched Hoseok and Pela dance. Taehyung spotted the rest over his shoulder when holding the back of your bar stool. Circling you around as you smiled and talked up at him, he noticed Jimin cross his hands and puff a, "What the fuck," when Jin stole his date too; taking her to do what she wanted: dance.

You giggle again now, hold his hand to stop from moving your body from side-to-side. Taehyung glances down at you as he takes one sip of his first and only drink. "Nothing," he says with a smile, distracting your teeth that pour out for a shy one of your own. "Want the rest?" he asks, tipping over his glass. The end of the glass hits your breasts as you take the cold cup and spill the rest of the liquid into your mouth. Blinking, squinting, and trying not to shiver as he rams down your throat, Taehyung chuckles and sings a, "Yay!"

"That's absolutely disgusting."

"It's rum with a dash of squeezed lemon so I don't get tipsy fast. I'm weird."

You smile, place the glass to the counter and look up at him towering over your sitting position. "I know you're weird my good sir," you say, "but I also hear you're amazing when it comes to finding your buddies a one-night fling?"

Taehyung yanks his head back. His neck runs visible for you to kiss down. There's an urge that shifts, making you want to, but you stay put and watch him finish his eye rolling. "Can we not repeat what happened last time when we were this close at a booth?"

"Don't flirt with me and nothing will happen," you say.

"It's hard not to flirt with that face," Taehyung's thumb dips to your chin, propping it up causing your breath to shake. His nail taps the bottom of your lip before gently caressing the side of your cheeks in a slow manner. "...almost impossible," his smile is light when he finishes.

You stare at the look in his eyes. It's the same look you gave his neck when he tipped back. Now, he gives this look to your eyes, nose, and the small parting of your surprised lips. Pursing them when he gazes too long, you awkwardly shift your head back away from his fingers and see his smile fall. Before he can speak for his actions, you dim the dancing of your heart and focus on the people dancing for real around.

Amused, you change the subject with a clear of your throat, "Show me what you got wingman! Tonight's a night you find a girl and dance with her. Do this for yourself, and only you. Go on!"

Taehyung places his hands into his pocket. He follows the way you cleared your throat by doing the same. Facing to where you point, he leans to hear you better and tries not to shiver as you say, "I'll be your wingwoman today."

"You're going to be my wingman?"

"Wingwoman, get it right!" You giggle in fight with the music, search over the crowd, and spot a woman with long hair, perfect frame, and light eyes. You point and say, "Her! Go! Let's see what you've got."

"I don'—"

You push the boy who chuckles and throws his hands up. "Alright, alright," he says, clapping your palm with his lamely in a low-five, "But my final dance is saved for you, what you say?"

You smile as he walks back into people. "Fine, just one."

"Booty-popping included please," Taehyung yells, teasing as he maneuvers his way through the bodies that hover close.

As Taehyung disappears into the sea of people, only to reappear as he comes to the back of the chosen one, your weak smile makes an appearance as he accomplishes his dance initiation. The girl grabs his hand and drags him to the middle of the dance floor, inching him farther from sight. He grins your way and yours falls as he's lost for good. Slumping shoulders, you circle yourself in the stool and ask the bartender, "What's good here?"

Your name is called. Loud and fast in numerous shouts. The woman's thighs are what you see first, her hair bouncing at her shoulders as she circles your stool around. "Wha—" Pela's eyes meet yours and you stop your splurging when seeing the excitement in her brown eyes. It sinks in and the slight sadness in your heart lifts when Pela says, "He's here. He's right there!" The woman waves down a man from the entrance.

Following her hand and sight, you yourself find eyes to meet confused ones that melt into a welcoming aura. He steps away from the booths and walks over, squeezing through only two bodies to get to Pela's side. The woman holds no boundaries with more than two drinks in her system. She hugs the man and kisses him on the cheek for a greeting, to which he laughs and pulls back from.

"Hello to you too," he says sweet, before glancing to you and narrowing his eyes. "You're in my morning class, right?" Your heart flutters. "Yes. I'm surprised you'd know that," you say. Pela grabs your hand, then drunkenly grabs the man's. She slaps both together, nods, the leaves with a twirl as if she's succeeded in something.

Jimin's eyes that have been following Pela the entire night come to soften when seeing you interacting with the man. The cutie with dimples, none other than Kim Namjoon. Jimin doesn't get time to smile at the twirl his crush makes as he stands up clumsily from the booth, hollers in a tight scream into his mouth, and makes his feet to run over and be a savior. "Fuck Taehyung, but also not this hard. Damn. He can't see Namjoon with the only girl he's gotten closer to since Ella! Work faster, work faster Jiminnnn!" He's sweating while talking to himself, getting to ground level and working his way around people.

As he gets close, a hand moves up his chest followed by a giggle that has him snap his head over. Stuck in his tracks, Jimin's mouth runs dry when the woman glistening in sweat, waves her hair back from sticking to her skin. Her hips move teasingly closer to his, her hands around his neck. In horror, Jimin stares at Pela who flirts with her eyes to his. "Wow, okay, this this is great, it really," the distressed boy swallows hard, "This is so fucking great." Swearing, the boy shuts his eyes, takes her hands off him, and shoves away back into the crowd. He's hating himself every step he takes away from her.

"Remember, this is for Taehyung, you yanked away from the girl of your dreams...for Taehyung's stupid ass," he whines like a child. Glancing back at the woman only to see her pout. Pela awkwardly watches Jimin leave her advance, glancing over at the booth and how great it looks to mope in. Or maybe nap! She makes herself smile as she stumbles away from Hoseok who's with another girl, Jin with the same. Nap it is, she thinks to herself, yawning and laying down into the booth with her ass sticking out by the table's end.

Jimin breathes in fast when he makes it out of the dance circles being tight. Wild eyes, he catches Namjoon and the man clearly invested in talking to you over the music. Rushing, Jimin slaps through people as if he owns the place, sweating through his shirt and ready to pounce. You blush, you talk close to Namjoon's ear. Jimin curses when Namjoon touches you and has his hand fit to your back.

As he nears, so close so close, a hand slaps away Namjoon's hand and a powered shove enacts to cause Namjoon to soar backwards. The man falls, staring up in shock. You gasp a scream and Jimin stands frozen. He blinks. He blinks. Taehyung's hovering over Namjoon with angered eyes, and broad shoulders.

"Taehyung! What are you doing?" You shout.

"I should be asking him that!" Taehyung hollers, "What are you doing here!" The boy is shaking. About to grab him, you decide not to when seeing the redness of his eyes. He holds back tears and shakes, many staring and glancing over at bouncers who move to the scene.

Namjoon, on the ground, stares at Taehyung bewildered, then stares to you. Confused, most of it dies when seeing your fingers finally touch his brother's raging forearm. "I-I didn't know she was with you, I swear," Namjoon stutters, finding himself up when Jin's hands prop him up from the ground.

"Namjoon?" Jin calls out.

The hairs on the back of your neck stand at that. You glance to the cutie with the dimples, Taehyung's anger, and the shaking the boy carries out. Your eyes soften. Pieces are put together when you stare away from Namjoon, turn Taehyung around, and see his jaw clench when you touch his cheek. He flinches away from you and you hold him down, forcing his watering eyes to meet yours.

"Go outside for a breather. I didn't know," your heart breaks, but you stick to what's best for him as you say, "Go."

Taehyung finally looks to your eyes, watches the bouncers near him, and walks himself out. His hands graze yours in a little clap, assuring you he isn't mad with you as he follows the bouncers that now pick Namjoon off the ground. Jin joined with Hoseok, tell them what happened and pat Namjoon to stand for a stay.

"I should go talk to him," Namjoon says, urgent and alarmed from being thrown down. Jin says, "No, you stay, I'll go." Hoseok nods, telling Jin to go. With a soft shake of your head, your voice rings in while saying, "No. Let him be on his own for a second. He shouldn't feel smothered."

Namjoon stares at you differently. It's nothing flirtatious, nothing welcoming. It's a knowing, a sad knowing, as he nods and tells the other's you're right. "I didn't know," he says to you and you nod, saying the same back. A tiny smile you give him before getting off the stool and walking to the booth.

Seeing Pela's bum makes you laugh when surrounded by misery. Taking Taehyung's jacket, he left behind, you cover the woman up and give her a blanket. "Pela," you mumble, feeling tears starting to form, "Girl, shit went down. The cutie I liked is his older brother!" You shake her but the drunk woman mumbles in her sleep, grabs your leg, and has you sit down to become her pillow.

You sigh, letting her hair fall to your lap as you wipe the sweat off your friend's forehead.

Eyes don't stop gawking in worry to the door. You wonder if you've chosen right to not leave and attend to Taehyung outside by the bricks on the side.

[10 minutes later]

Taehyung's shaking, whining, heaving, and spitting as he crotches into a ball with his head spinning. Whitey whitey whitey, dances in his mind and he almost get up to get it. He's done it before, a million times, and has thought about it time and time again. Last week, he did it again. He failed himself and did it, only to start over and fail again two days later. But he talked to the one with the suit, pen, and clipboard, you told him it was okay. For him the try again. Then the nice man talked about his anxiety, his issues with dependency and commitment rolled into one. The man was nice. The man helped Taehyung. The man wasn't here right now so Taehyung did what he could. He sunk down until his butt touched rocks. Knees curled, Taehyung breathed harsh into his chest, covering his ears and closing his eyes.

It worked. For minutes, he was alone and the shaking and wanting to run straight into a wall without moving from his initial spot carried away. Now, left with wet cheeks and tearless eyes, Taehyung's attack stems short with soft breaths he takes, head still between knee caps. His head throbs, his mouth tastes bitter. It's only then he's noticed he's thrown up near his feet.

I don't need whitey. I never have. Never again.

Taehyung tells himself to see the man in the suit, with the pen and clipboard more. He's a professor at the school, a professor for psychology. Taehyung couldn't take the course this semester because of this reason...He sees the professor for talks instead. Talks about his mind, his feelings, and why he cries and shakes so much.

The weight on his shoulders lift. Taehyung's head lazily rolls back on the bricks as he inches from his vomit. Sprawling his legs out, his knees crack. He winces, pats his cheeks on the cold side of rough brick. Closing his eyes, he breathes. He keeps his chest moving until it moves on its own, wanting to live and survive on its own.

A form sits close to him. Not too close, not too far. When he opens his eyes and stares over, you smile at him slowly and ask him if he's okay. He nods. He doesn't look it, but he feels that he will. He will be okay.

"I panicked in there."

"It's okay, I get it."

Taehyung swallows, he closes his eyes and knows he made the right choice by not kissing you on the hood this afternoon. Not yet, was right, not like this...not with me this way. "I don't know why I freaked the way I did..."

"You don't have to explain yourself."

"...where is he?"

"My brother."

"Inside." You whisper this softly.

Taehyung moves his tongue in a small swivel within the walls of his mouth. "Could you bring him out please? I want to talk to him alone."

You stare at Taehyung a long while. Leaning over, you kiss his cheek, caress his other, then pull away before he can react. "I'm proud of you," you say, standing to your feet and knowing he won't act in violence. Taehyung won't, you trust what his eyes say when staring up to yours.

You leave, and Taehyung's head moves back into his balled position for a while. He stays this way until a hesitant body sits into the rocks alongside the same wall. You notice his shoes first, then his skinny legs, then his dimples that show due to his nervous pursing of lips, not his smile. Never anymore did Taehyung see his older brother's smile much.

Crack! His knees pop when he extends them out. Taehyung glances over and sees Namjoon hesitantly meet his eyes. "Look, Taehyung I really didn't know I was talking to some friend of yours...or whatever she is to you—I need you to know that I wasn't playing any games, or wanting to repeat some fucked history, or—"

"I know."

"You know?" Namjoon's brows furrow.

Taehyung stays tired as he says, "We need to talk about what happened...without yelling at each other or acting as if we're both saints of some sorts. Because we weren't. I wasn't, you weren't, nor was Ella for a fact."

Namjoon nods slowly. "Okay..."

"I'm ready to listen," Taehyung whispers.

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me," the exhausted boy says, "Just talk."

"Right now?"

"Right now."