Chapter 08

"Nervous?" tanong ni Pablo nang makarating kami sa hotel. Nandito iyong pamilya ko pati iyong member ng entourage. Hindi naman ako kasama sa entourage ni Therese but since technically we're siblings, kailangan nandito ako for the family photo.

Umiling ako habang tinitignan ko iyong mukha ko sa may salamin.

"You look great," sabi niya.

"Thanks," I replied with a small smile habang nakatingin pa rin sa itsura ko. I was not normally this conscious sa itsura ko. I mean, yes, of course, I needed to look presentable dahil sa trabaho ko, but hindi ganito. Kahit ayoko, naha-heighten iyong anxiety ko dahil sigurado ako na may side comments iyong mga Tita ko kapag nakita nila ako. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ang dami nilang comment sa buhay ko—as if naman may ambag sila.

When I was done making sure that my makeup was on point and that every strand of hair on my head was where they're meant to be, itinaas ko na iyong salamin.

"You'll see," sabi ko sa kanya nang mapansin ko na nakatingin siya sa akin.

"See what?"

"Why I'm acting like this."

"Acting like what?"

"A bit obsessed with appearance," sabi niya.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. "You're not."

"Really?" I asked. "Because I just spent ten minutes staring at my reflection even though nagayos na ako kanina sa hotel room," I added. Gosh, the hotel room. The amount of self-control I had not to jump on him nung bino-blowdry niya iyong damit ko.

Sabi ko, strong, independent woman ako...

Sabi ko, I'd never let any man conquer me.

I mean, it still stands true pa rin naman. But perhaps the reason behind that is that I've been at the lowest of the low—at ayoko ng bumalik pa roon. I guess I just don't trust anyone enough to let go of the control. There's this thought kasi na kapag iba ang gagawa, what if they mess up? What if I go back to that lowest of low? Ayoko. I refuse. That's why I'd been independent for so long. I do my own shit; I buy what I want. I just can't depend on anybody.

But this guy?

Ewan ko...

Not saying that I'd give up control and let myself depend on him—but it's just that so far, he's showing me how dependable he could be. So, siguro hindi ako strong, independent woman in the strictest sense. Perhaps, I'm selectively-dependent. I would only depend on you once you prove yourself to me that I can depend on you.

Fuck.

Kung anu-ano na naman ang naisip ko just because he was staring at me!

"I don't think that," sabi niya habang nakatingin pa rin sa akin. He was staring at me so much so that he was starting to make me overthink again kaya naman ako na iyong kusang nagiwas ng tingin. I drew a deep breath.

"Let's go," I said instead as I unlocked the door and got out of his car.

It had been so long since I last went here. Tuwing pinapauwi ako, lahat talaga ng rason ay ibibigay ko sa kanila para lang hindi ako makapunta. Sometimes, when I truly was tired with work, I wouldn't even bother to open their messages. Sabi ko na lang kila Mama na kung gusto nila akong makita, they're free to see me sa Manila. It's not as if kailangan pa nilang sumakay ng barko para makita ako. So far, kapag birthday ni Papa ay nasa Manila sila. Papa likes me—he'd never tell me, but feel ko ako iyong paborito niya sa aming dalawa ni Therese. Tahimik lang talaga kaya wala siyang masabi sa mga matatabil ang dila na kamaganak namin.

Agad akong napatingin kay Pablo nang maramdaman ko na hinawakan niya iyong kamay ko.

"Your hands were shaking," he said as he was looking down on me because he's taller than me. Gosh, this height difference between us was making me feel things again.

"Yeah, sorry," sagot ko dahil hindi ko rin naman pwedeng i-deny.

Instead of answering, I felt him squeezing my hand... and oddly enough, that felt like the best answer he could've given me.

I was talking to the receptionist, telling her that we'd proceed to the room na for the pictorial, when I heard someone calling me.

"Tita?" I heard Pablo asked.

Saglit kong pinikit ang mga mata ko at huminga nang malalim. "Tita Josie," I whispered to Pablo.

"Do we hate her?" he asked.

"Not really," I whispered. "She's just unbearable."

"Got it," sagot niya habang nakatayo lang siya sa tabi ko.

I plastered a smile on my face first bago ako humarap sa kanya.

"Tita," I said with a smile.

"Tagal mong hindi nagpakita!" she said. "Umitim ka ata?"

"Tanned, Tita," I corrected her. "Tumaba po ata kayo," I replied with a sweet smile.

Nakita ko iyong pagbagsak ng ngiti sa mukha niya. Ang lakas ng loob sabihin na umitim ako. Fine, totoo naman, kasi marami akong outside shoot lately. Besides, I didn't mind. Naka-sunscreen naman ako religiously. Saka kulay lang naman 'yan—babalik naman 'yan sa dati. Pero bakit nung sinabi ko na tumaba siya, na totoo naman, parang ang sama agad ng ugali ko?

Sabi nga nila, if you can't take it, don't dish it out.

"Oh, before I forget," sabi ko dahil baka biglang magsermon siya sa 'asal' ko kahit siya naman nagsimula. I looked at Pablo who looked like he was holding his laughter. Ni wala pa kaming isang oras dito, nasimulan na agad ako ni Tita Josie, e!

Tumingin si Tita sa katabi ko. I saw the twinkle in her eyes. I mean, I get it, really. Saka alam ko naman na beforehand na ganito ang magiging reception nila kay Pablo... because same.

"Tita Josie, si Pablo," I said.

"Good afternoon po," Pablo said, offering his hand. My god... everything this guy does was so suave talaga. Minsan nakaka-curious lang din kung ilan kaya ang babaeng pinaasa nito? Both consciously and uncounsciously. Ilan kayang babae ang nainlove sa kanya habang umiinom sa bar niya? A rough estimate will do.

I held my chuckle as I stared at Tita Josie because she looked like a love-struck teenager habang tinatanggap niya iyong kamay ni Pablo.

"Good afternoon," sabi ni Tita Josie na kulang na lang ay mautal. Gwapo ba masyado, Tita?

"Shall I introduce myself?" Pablo asked, looking at me, while still holding my love struck Tita's hand.

"Tita, boyfriend ko po," I said with a sweet smile.

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. "Napakagwapo naman ng boyfriend mo! Saan mo ba nakilala? Ihanap mo naman si Christine!" sabi niya tapos ay mabilis na tinawag iyong ibang Tita ko pa na nasa paligid lang pala.

Pablo looked at me and I mouthed, "Good luck."

As expected, Pablo was interrogated. Ang dami nilang tanong, but I was not worried since alam ko na kung may award lang in real life, pwedeng bigyan ng Best in Small Talk award 'tong tao na 'to, e. Ewan ko ba. Feel ko naman magaling din ako sa ganoon, pero iba talaga iyong sa kanya. Siguro pangit din i-compare kasi gabi-gabi siyang nasa bar at nakakakausap ng iba-ibang tao. Of course he'd be great at it.

"Titas," sabi ko habang busy pa sila tanungin si Pablo tungkol sa kung may pinsan ba siya na mairereto sa mga pinsan ko. "Pinapaakyat na kami ni Mama para sa picture."

"Ay talaga ba," sabi ni Tita Ingrid. "Iwan mo na lang si Pablo dito," pabiro niyang dugtong.

I looked at Pablo who just gave a small laugh. Bentang-benta naman 'tong tao na 'to. Siguro kung fiesta sa amin, baka maaya pa 'tong mag-escort kahit matanda na, e.

"Mamaya na lang po," sabi ko bago kami naglakad palayo. I felt him gently putting his hand on the small of my back as we were walking away. He wasn't touching-touching me—his touch was barely there. Ewan. It felt like he still wanted to be respectful even though we've done more than touching.

"Pagod ka na ba?" I asked as we were walking towards the elevator.

"Not really," he replied as he pressed the button. "Took a nap earlier."

"This will be a long day," sabi ko. "Do you want coffee?"

Umiling siya. "Already had my coffee earlier."

I nodded. "Okay."

"Is your mom the same?"

"No, not really," sabi ko. "Quietly judging siguro."

He slowly nodded his head. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" he asked.

I shrugged. It's neither... I believed. I care about my mom's opinion, of course, but would I let that dictate the way I live my life? Nope. At most, it would just give me anxiety na madali namang mawawala dahil busy ako sa trabaho ko. Probably why I really love my job—it keeps the demons in my head at bay.

The elevator door opened and he let me step in first bago siya pumasok. Nung makapasok kami ay nakita ko na pinapanood pala kami ng mga Tita ko. I smiled at them and gave a small wave. Nakita ko na nginitian din sila ni Pablo.

"If they live in Manila, best believe that they'll frequent your bar," sabi ko at narinig ko iyong mababa niyang pagtawa.

The elevator quickly opened at the fourth floor. Muli akong huminga nang malalim. I looked at Pablo who was already looking at me. Fuck. I hated that I could hear my heart beating. This was crazy knowing that I only met him literally a few days ago.

"Let's go?" he asked when we stayed there long enough for the elevator door to automatically close.

I nodded as I took a deep breath. "Yup. Let's do this."

In true Pablo fashion, he let me walk out of the elevator first. Pansin ko rin na kapag naglalakad kami sa gilid ng kalsada (although one time pa lang naman nangyari), doon ako sa pavement tapos doon siya sa may malapit mga sasakyan. Ewan. It's a small thing, pero para sa tao na deprived sa small thing, it felt like a big thing.

Naglakad kami at huminto kami sa harap nung kwarto na sinabi ni Mama. Tumingin ako kay Pablo.

"Let's get this over with," I said.

He chuckled. "We're at a wedding, not a funeral," sabi niya na naiiling at saka kumatok sa pintuan. He probably read my mind kasi wala akong balak kumatok at baka ilang minuto na nakatayo lang kami dito hanggang kusang maramdaman nila Mama na nandito kami sa labas.

"Ate Ce," sabi ni Ana nung buksan niya iyong pinto. I just gave her a small nod. Ito iyong best friend ni Therese na tuwang-tuwa nung nagpublic reveal na si Therese at Leo. Ewan ko ba kung bakit bwisit na bwisit ako sa babaeng 'to kahit makita ko lang.

I didn't bother to talk to her dahil sayang sa energy. I just stepped inside. I was conscious that Pablo was right behind me. I looked around at agad kong nakita si Therese na kinukuhanan na ng picture nung photographer. Nandoon din si Mama na pinapanood iyong paborito niyang anak.

"Pa," I called Papa, pero lahat sila ay tumingin sa akin. I saw how Mama looked at me, relieved, dahil akala niya ata ay hindi talaga ako aattend. I mean, gets naman, dahil may history ako na biglang hindi dumadating sa mga family gathering. And then Therese. I saw how she smiled when she saw me and then when her eyes drifted to Pablo, kumunot ang noo niya at saka sumimangot siya. Problema nito?

Mabilis na lumapit sa akin si Mama at si Papa, pero si Therese ay hindi makaalis dun kasi nakaupo siya saka hindi pa tapos iyong photographer na kuhanan siya ng pictures.

"Napakatagal mo naman makaakyat," sabi agad ni Mama. Never mind na mula pa ako sa Manila at ang tagal na nung huli niya akong nakita.

"Ayaw kami paalisin nila Tita kanina," I replied. Nakita ko na nakatingin si Papa kay Pablo. I drew another deep breath. "Ma, Pa, si Pablo po," I added.

I looked at Pablo drew out his smile. Kung may personification lang siguro ang million dollar smile, itong ngiti ng lalaki na 'to, e. Ilang magulang na kaya na-meet nito? Para kasing kabisado niya na kung ano ang gagawin, e.

"Good afternoon," he said, offering his hand to my dad first.

Mama was looking at me with her brows furrowed. "What? Sinabi ko naman na dadalhin ko boyfriend ko," I told her kasi bakit ganyan itsura niya? Pasalamat nga siya nakilala ko si Pablo, e. She didn't know how close I was to hiring an actual escort para lang may makasama ako ngayon.

"Gaano na kayo katagal?" Mama asked, her brow still arched na akala mo ay teenager pa ako. Siya lang ang nagtanong pero ramdam ko na nakaabang iyong buong suite sa sagot ko. Nandito kasi iyong bridal party aka iyong mga kunsintidor na barkada ni Therese.

Instead of answering, I looked at Pablo. "How long has it been?" I asked. My peripheral vision was good that I was able to see the looks of envy sa mga kaibigan ni Therese. I hated how this was giving me so much satisfaction. Bakit ba affected ako sa mga batang 'to?

"Four going five months," Pablo replied. "Hi po," he added, looking at Mama and giving his usual charming smile.

As usual, walang tanong si Papa dahil tahimik lang naman talaga siya. Si Mama naman ay kulang na lang matunaw si Pablo sa sama ng tingin. Ano kaya ang problema niya? At the very least, if ever, mabibigyan ko siya ng gwapo o magandang apo, noh. Kung natanggap nga niya si Leo na papakasalan ni Therese, 'di hamak naman si Pablo, noh.

"Go. I'll be fine," Pablo said nung tawagin ako nung photographer dahil 'sibling shot' na raw iyong kukuhanan ng pictures.

I left Pablo there. Matanda na siya saka sure naman ako na kaya niya na iyong sarili niya. Naglakad na lang ako diretso papunta doon sa kwarto kung saan iyong pictorial.

"Akala ko hindi ka pupunta, Ate," sabi ni Therese.

"Bakit naman hindi?" I replied as I stood beside her. I ignored the fact na ngayon ko lang napansin na kaya pala pamilyar iyong suot niya... Iyan iyong design ng dream wedding gown ko noon na pinakita ko sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung coincident lang ba o pareho lang talaga kami ng taste.

"Nice gown," sabi ko habang nakangiti dahil nagsimula na iyong shoot.

Ngumiti siya. "Thank you, Ate."

I didn't mention nor ask for it. Useless naman dahil nagiba na iyong 'dream' wedding gown ko. Of course hindi niya alam 'yon dahil hindi niya naman alam na kung ano ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. Best decision talaga na umalis ako rito. Best decision to build a wall and to protect my peace of mind.

"Boyfriend mo siya, Ate?" Therese asked while looking at Pablo who was now talking to some of Therese's friends na halatang kilig na kilig. Enjoy niyo lang 'yan, kids, kasi mamaya sa akin lang 'yan nakadikit.

"Yes," I replied at sakto naman na tumingin sa gawi namin si Pablo na para bang naramdaman niya na pinaguusapan namin siya. Our eyes met and he smiled at me. "Thank you," I added as I was in a staring competition with Pablo. Ramdam ko na napatingin sa akin si Therese. "I wouldn't have met him if you didn't get together with Leo. Everything happens for a reason talaga, noh?" I continued as I turned my eyes on the camera and smiled for the picture. 

**
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