Fuck Witcha

Terroriser: yk guys running is actually a great hobby

Terroriser: ev and i have been going on like daily runs and its incredible

Terroriser: if only he talked to me </3

RoastMasterV2: we live together why cant we have a few hours of silence between us

Terroriser: thats what sleeping is for

Fitz: wow who would've guessed that brian would be a stage five clinger

Moo: it certainly is surprising how attached at the hip the two of you are

Kryoz: are you trying to overcompensate for something? bc ive def been there

Four07: what do YOU have to overcompensate for

Kryoz: i literally never said that

Four07: you make me want to stab myself with a fork

RoastMasterV2: brian doesnt trust me after my three hour run last time so hes following me everywhere

Terroriser: everytime you describe me you make me sound creepier and creepier

RoastMasterV2: bc you are

Four07: a domestic in the gc is crazy

DaithiDeNoPrivilege: brian does act like a housewife

DaithiDeNoPrivilege: think he just needs to get laid to be honest

Lui: yeah definitely

Moo: agreed

BasicallyIGetFucked: itll just take all the clinginess out of him and itll get him some space from evan bc no offense dude but you guys are starting to sound alike

Kryoz: thats so true bc sometimes brian says something to me and it literally feels like evan said it

RoastMasterV2: its kinda hard to spend time apart i mean we live together and kind of only see each other since everyone else has lives

Terroriser: or we hang out with our neighbor

Lui: neighbor??

RoastMasterV2: oh yeah shes totally chill

Kryoz: why does she know where you live and not us </3

Four07: she literally lives there too??

WildHoe: GUYS CRAZY NEWS

Fitz: who wants to bet its not actually crazy

WildHoe: CRAIG WAS ATTACKED IN PRISON

Moo: WTFFFFFF

Four07: holy shit???

Fitz: fork found in kitchen bro not even criminals want him

RoastMasterV2: how do you know that??

WildHoe: unfortunately i am his emergency contact and i always get calls and i wasnt paying attention and picked up

Kryoz: and you accepted the charges anyway?

Kryoz: thought you werent keeping up with him anymore

WildHoe: im not

Kryoz: whatever

Four07: a second domestic has hit the chat

Kryoz: we're not dating

Fitz: yeah john is too busy trying to ruin my relationship

Jon: maybe you all should just date each other i think a polycule could fix this

RoastMasterV2: been there, done that

Four07: bros acting like dating me was hell on earth

RoastMasterV2: you literally cheated on me, 47

Four07: 47?????

Kryoz: damn bro you got 46 people ahead of you

Kryoz: wait hold on thats a long list

Four07: list??

RoastMasterV2: dw about it

Four07: well now im worried about it???

Lui: david i think ur bf is gonna die soon

DaithiDeNoPrivilege: im gonna start drafting applications

Moo: ngl everytime they joke about breaking up it gets a little more real

Jon: literally

Lui: ngl dude i always forget you exist

Jon: thats fair but that doesnt make it hurt less

Four07: honestly im surprised we let you back in ngl ur a pretty controversial figure

Jon: tyler was dating an actual psychopath who is now in jail and still has tyler as his emergency contact

Jon: hes put evan in the hospital like multiple times

Fitz: well i mean so did you

Kryoz: oh hes got jokes now

Fitz: im gonna fly over there and shoot you with a gun

Kryoz: theyd never sell a gun to a foreigner

Fitz: ill just tell them i need it for class

Moo: okay thats enough

Fitz: yeah okay that was too far ill admit it

Terroriser: talk about a mood killer

—

Now showing private messages between Kryoz and RoastMasterV2

Kryoz: hey so i made things worse

RoastMasterV2: what did you do

Kryoz: cam booked a flight and will be here in three days

RoastMasterV2: WTF

RoastMasterV2: what about the thing with tyler

Kryoz: hes way too tangled up with craig stuff still

Kryoz: and esp since he updated the gc idk i just got the ick

Kryoz: like even tho craig is a horrible person and they wont get back together its like he'll still be there haunting our entire relationship and i deserve something thats going to be just ours yk

RoastMasterV2: so instead you chose to hook up with someone who has a boyfriend

RoastMasterV2: got it

Kryoz: okay its actually a lot more complicated and meaningful than that

RoastMasterV2: look id love to decipher whatever the fuck this is rn but im kinda busy rn

Kryoz: is this the part where you tell me you and brian got back together and are on a DATEEEEE

RoastMasterV2: no i got a call from work and have to go chase down this guy for a client so im kinda in the middle of that rn

Kryoz: yr texting and driving????

RoastMasterV2: my coworker is driving rn but we're pulling up to the place so gtg

—

Now showing private messages between RoastMasterV2 and Terroriser

RoastMasterV2: so sorry again for having to leave :((( i miss you already

Terroriser: ev i already told u its fine

Terroriser: just get it done and come home, okay? ill wait up for u

RoastMasterV2: it could be a while

RoastMasterV2: i mean they called like five of us for this

Terroriser: dont you just go to the guys house?? what do you need so many people for

RoastMasterV2: hes kinda like a flight risk

RoastMasterV2: and thats about as much as i can say about it

Terroriser: i love my hot mysterious boyfriend

Terroriser: be safe !!

RoastMasterV2: love you :((( wish i was home rn but this overtime pay is gonna be SO GOOD

Terroriser: sometimes i wonder if ur just money hungry

RoastMasterV2: in this line of work money is excellent motivation

RoastMasterV2: gtg

—

LOCATION: Stakeout Van

TIME: 10:56 P.M.

Evan put his phone in the center console with everyone else's. "Alright, this should be simple enough," He began, already bored as he flipped through the file. "Blarg lures him out of the building, Soup and I give chase, and you two," He points at the new hires nervously shifting in their seats. "Ready him for transport. Simple, right?" He waited, but no one nodded aside from Blarg. "Another thing, we don't know what this guy has on him, so remember to wear your protective gear and keep some kind of defensive device at the ready. Soup and I will be the likeliest to get injured, hence the vests, but that doesn't mean anyone should let their guards down."

The group murmured in agreement, their faces a mixture of determination and fear (mostly on behalf of the new hires) as they stared back at him. This happened a lot because of Evan's seniority- people looked at him like he was a big deal. And he kinda was.

"Soup," Evan put down the file, making sure his coworker heard this next part carefully. "I don't know what weapons he'll have, or if he'll use them, but if he does you need to remember something, okay? If there is something fired in your direction, just go down. Whether it hits you or not, you go down, okay? Letting the target think they can get away helps us. So, if we chase after him, and he starts firing at me, I will fall to the floor whether or not I'm hit. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Focus on the mission. That's whats important. Otherwise, we don't get any overtime pay and this whole thing was for nothing, wasn't it?" Everyone nodded.

"Let's do this."

-

Somehow, this has turned into a rooftop chase. Blarg had only managed to lure the target to his fire escape, so they improvised. Luckily, Evan had no problem dashing from rooftop to rooftop, but he could tell Soup was struggling. Which was bad, but manageable. Maybe.

"This isn't going very well, is it?" Soup may have just jinxed the whole mission, because as soon as Evan heard his coworker's voice through their ear piece, the target turned around and began to shoot.  Evan was going to kill him.

Something suddenly struck his side and his body went slack in an instant off of pure instinct. His mind couldn't catch up until he was rolling across a rooftop and halfway playing dead. He hit the lip of the roof and felt his ankle roll, involuntarily letting out a hiss of pain.

"Fuck!" Soup sounded undoubtedly frustrated with the new circumstances.

"What happened?" That was one of the new hires.

"Evan's down. It's all on me."

"He alright?"

"Fuck if I know!"

An ache had began to blossom from his side and he was starting to believe he had actually been shot. He shifted ever so slightly to see if he was bleeding. There wasn't a pool of his blood or anything, so he'd probably live. It was his ankle that was worrying him, his shoe already feeling a little tighter. He tried to relax, praying that everything went well.

-

"Just take me to urgent care or something, whatever." Evan was sitting in the back of the van, the target tied up, knocked out, and blindfolded off to his right. His legs were outstretched, making his swollen ankle that much. "I just want meds so that I can sleep for the next week."

"Yikes. That bad?" One of the new hires was trying to hover over his wound, but apparently Evan was a little too scary to just casually approach. That was fine, Evan didn't really care.

"It doesn't even hurt that bad, I just know it'll keep me up."

"What're you gonna tell that plus one of yours?" Blarg teased. Ever since word of the conference had gotten around, the hot topic of plus ones started up at the office. Evan usually avoided these conversations, trying to keep things strictly professional so he could separate his lives as much as possible, but he let it slip somehow that he'd be bringing someone, and now it was all over. "I'm sure they'll be super worried about you."

"He'll live." Evan muttered under his breath, trying not to let on that he actually was worried about what he was going to tell Brian. He didn't want his boyfriend thinking his job was dangerous- it would just make him worry- but there was no way of hiding whatever the fuck was going on with his ankle.

"I can't wait to meet him! You know," Blarg turns to one of the new hires. "Evan literally never talks about himself. So imagine our surprise when word gets out that he has a plus one! Hard to imagine someone would willingly associate themselves with you."

Evan glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know, you're like- Well, it's just-" Blarg began to stutter under Evan's gaze.

"What he's trying to say is that you're a little... intense. Especially when you're at the office. You scare people. Look, these poor interns are even scared of you!"

"Those aren't interns. They work two cubicles down from you." Evan deadpanned.

"They are?"

"If I wasn't injured right now, I'd draw my blade and stab you in the neck."

-

Brian jolted awake as soon as he heard the phone ringing. Blinking fast, he turned to see Evan's side of the bed still empty. His stomach twisted. Evan had said that it would take awhile, but that didn't make him any less worried.

He didn't even bother to check the caller ID before answering. "Hello?" His voice was laced with sleep and his mind was not working fast enough to even comprehend he got a phone call.

"Guess where I am?" Evan's voice crackled through the phone and he was immediately awake.

"Evan? Where the fuck are you? Are you alright?"

His boyfriend took a moment to answer. "I'm...at urgent care."

What the hell. Brian was pushing the covers off himself immediately. "What happened? Which urgent care?"

"I sprained my ankle, or something. Nothing's broken, but the doctor told me I'd be on crutches for a while."

"Are you okay? Is that the only injury?"

"Well, I scrapped myself too but that's nothing, really."

Where the hell were his shoes? Or his keys? Brian was not awake enough for this. "Evan. You're hurt. That's not nothing. I mean, you just got your cast off! Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I can't find my shoes."

"You keep them by the door."

"...I knew that. Where are you, again?"

"I'll text it to you."

Brian paused and patted himself down, making sure he had everything he needed. "I'm not going to get there and find out you're dying, right? What were you even doing?"

"I told you, this guy's a flight risk."