#CTG40 Chapter 40

"Cha, patulong naman 'dun sa Benitez case, if okay lang."

I nodded and proceeded to look for the Benitez case under the pile of cases on the table. I could feel the ache on my back, but it was okay. This work felt rewarding. I felt like I was doing a good thing and I was good with that.

Nang makita ko iyong folder ay agad kong binasa iyon. I'd been 'helping' here for a week now. Nang matapos iyong contract ko ay nagpaalam na ako agad. I didn't even think twice when they offered me more money because I just... didn't care much about that at that time. All I knew was that I needed to find a purpose. I felt so tired and exhausted and I needed to find a reason on why I should keep on pursuing this field.

And then I found this place.

Granted that they could only give me allowance and I was overworked most of the time, it's okay. I felt like we're doing a really good thing and it's very fulfilling.

Hindi ko na rin masyadong nakikita pa si Iñigo. After the talk that we had, it's been silently decided that it's better if we didn't see each other for a while. I just couldn't give him what he wanted... I couldn't be with him because we see things so differently. He wanted different things in life and I just couldn't force myself any longer to get on board with that.

I realized that I couldn't force him to see things my way.

Maybe my way was wrong.

Maybe his was the right one.

Either way, it's only him who could decide for himself.

* * *

I normally didn't like to drink because it's just a way to give myself a headache the following morning... but after reading the Benitez case and after the interview, I couldn't help but want to drown myself in alcohol.

"Cha!" Napa-tingin ako sa tumawag sa akin. My forehead creased upon seeing Lui. He was holding a glass of what looked like whiskey. "Thought I was so drunk for a second there," sabi niya at saka naupo sa bakanteng pwesto sa tabi ko. "What brings you here?" he asked.

I shrugged and played with the glass I was holding. Kanina ko pa hawak ito pero wala pa rin akong naiinom... Paulit-ulit kong naaalala iyong pinag-usapan namin kanina.

"Trouble in paradise?" he asked.

"Why are you here?" I asked back.

"Relax lang. Nakaka-pagod, e," he said, smiling. "Bakit ka nga nandito? Never ka namang sumama sa amin kapag inaaya ka."

Bakit naman kasi ako sasama sa kanila? They'd ask to drink in the middle of the fucking week. It's really a wonder kung paano naka-graduate si Lui nang may hangover most of the time. It's a talent, really.

"I'm just tired, too."

"Sure," he said, and then took a sip. "But humor me... hypothetically, what's the reason for your being here?"

I felt my shoulders sag as I stared at the glass in front of me. I really wanted to drink... but at the same time, I knew that there's work tomorrow and a lot of people were counting on me.

Tumingin ako kay Lui. He looked drunk. Baka 'di niya na maalala 'tong sasabihin ko.

"Hypothetically," I began. He looked really interested. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Bakit ba puro chismoso ang mga lalaki sa paligid ko? "If the person you is fundamentally different from you... what's the next step?"

Lui cocked his head to the side as if he's thinking deeply about the question I just posed. It reminded me of how he usually recited in class. He'd usually take a few seconds bago magsalita—like he's seriously thinking but I bet nahihilo lang siya dahil lasing siya.

"Do I really like this girl?"

"Yes."

"Like her enough to consider being in a relationship?"

"I suppose so."

"But the difference is fundamental?"

"Yes."

He put the glass on the counter and turned his body so he was wholly facing me. "Then I guess I'll just enjoy her company. Just because I like her doesn't mean I have to be in a relationship with her."

"Right. Puro ka fling."

Tumawa siya. "Ang judger, Cha," sabi niya. "Kapag nagka-girlfriend ako, syempre seseryosohin ko 'yun... Kaya nga wala kasi wala pa akong nahahanap na seryoso talaga," he continued. "I'll just enjoy and see where things will go... Malay ko ba kung sa future mag-iba iyong perspective ko o kung mag-iba iyong sa kanya?"

Hindi ako nagsalita.

"I won't close the door and just let things run their course," he finally said before raising his glass and downing his drink.

* * *

At the end of the week, I sent a text to Iñigo asking if he's free to see me. I immediately received a text asking kung saan at kailan. Kaya naman maaga akong nagsabi na aalis ako—usually ay late na ako nakaka-uwi dahil sa dami ng trabaho.

Iñigo was already there when I arrived. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa envelope na dala ko. He waved at me and smiled. I smiled at him, too. God, I missed him.

Agad siyang tumayo nang malapit na ako.

"Can I hug you?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied, feeling weird that he had to ask that when we'd done more than that already... But maybe like me, he was in a weird place, too. After our conversation last time, it was unclear where we're standing on.

We ordered food first. Medyo nailang ako dahil ramdam na ramdam ko ang mga mata sa akin ni Iñigo.

"Iñigo," I said after a while.

"Yes?" he replied softly. He was still unabashedly looking at me. He wasn't even trying to hide it. Napa-abot ako sa baso sa harapan ko at mabilis na ininom iyong tubig.

"I've thought about us," I began and his eyes suddenly became alert. I could feel the tension coming from his side... It was as if I could hear his heart beating loudly, waiting for what I was about to say next. "I really like you—"

"I like you a lot," he said, cutting me off.

I smiled. Sadly. Why was this so hard?

"We talked about our differences and honestly, I don't want to fight about that anymore... but I also want you in my life still..."

He nodded. "I want that, too."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

I grabbed the envelope that was resting on my lap and slid it over to his side. Kumunot ang noo niya habang naka-tingin doon.

"What... is this?" he asked, looking at me with confusion written all over his face. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. He took that as a sign to open the folder and read the content for himself. I saw how his face went from confusion to irritation—on how his jaw clenched with visible displeasure.

Ibinaba niya iyong papel.

"I want a real relationship, Cha," he said with controlled anger. "I'm done with your fucking contract. 'Di naman tayo bata."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Hindi pa rin mahanap iyong tamang salita.

"What the hell is this even?" he asked, holding the revised contract. "That I'm allowed to kiss you, hold you, touch you, sleep with you—as long as I don't do it in public places? And I'm not allowed to ask you personal things? Ano'ng kagaguhan 'to?"

I drew a deeper breath.

I needed to let him air his sentiment out. Hindi pwede na pareho kaming mainit ang ulo. Mauuwi na naman 'to sa sigawan na nangyari sa amin dati.

And that resolved nothing.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I don't agree."

"It's either that... or nothing."

His jaw clenched again. He briefly closed his eyes as he drew a deep breath. "I'm already 25 years old, Cha. And you want me to what? Play with you?"

Tinawag ko iyong waiter at humingi ng tubig. I had to breathe calmly and be as rational as level headed as I could be.

"Don't look at it that way," I said.

"How to look at it?" he asked in a taunting tone.

How... would I be with him when he's always so quick to dismiss whatever I say? Na parang ako iyong kalaban niya? Na parang siya lang ang tama palagi?

"Setting limits, Iñigo," I calmly replied. "You always get mad when I comment on your work—"

I saw the flick of anger cross his eyes when his work was mentioned yet again.

Paulit-ulit.

Bakit ko ba siya sobrang gusto?

"This way, we're both legally obligated to stay on our lanes," I continued. Nanatili akong naka-tingin sa kanya. This was the only way I could see us continuing this... whatever this was. I couldn't do it like Lui—I couldn't just enjoy Iñigo's company recklessly. I wouldn't always be able to restrain myself whenever I see him digging his grave deeper... habang palalim nang palalim iyong utang na loob niya.

I was just staring at him, counting the seconds when the food arrived.

"Think about it," I said before I let silence dominate once again.

Pilit akong kumain kahit na hindi gumagalaw si Iñigo sa harap ko. He was just staring at the papers in front of him. I really didn't know what would happen tonight, but I knew I should do this. Para alam ko kung ano iyong mangyayari.

So that whenever I miss him, I'll know what I'll do.

"Are you done?" he asked when I finished my last piece.

Tumango ako habang hinihintay ang susunod niyang sasabihin. But instead of saying something, he called the waiter and ask for the receipt. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. I was just waiting for him—for what he wanted to do.

When the waiter returned, he looked at the receipt and pulled a few blue bills from his wallet and borrowed the waiter's pen. My lips parted when he angrily signed each page of the contract.

And when he was done, he looked at me and said, "Let's go to my condo."

I blinked a few times, still a bit confused about what's happening, but then Iñigo stood up and looked at me as if he was impatiently waiting for me to stand up, too.

"Let's go," he repeated.

Loss for words, I stood up and carried my bag with me. Tahimik akong naka-sunod kay Iñigo. Tahimik din akong sumakay sa sasakyan niya. Tahimik ako hanggang maka-rating kami sa bagong tinitirhan niya.

The contract was signed.

It was binding.

I could not comment about anything that's related to his work.

So, I kept my mouth shut.

His unit was situated on the higher floor of the high-end building. He must be reallygood at his job to get such perks. Nang maka-labas kami sa elevator ay naka-sunod ako sa kanya hanggang huminto kami sa harap ng unit. But before he could open the door, he looked at me.

"You know I'd rather be your boyfriend than basically your fuck buddy, right?" tanong niya.

Hindi ako sumagot.

Ano'ng sasabihin ko?

He opened the door and I followed him. Tahimik akong naka-tingin habang isa-isa niyang tinatanggal ang butones sa suot niya. I stood on one side, unable to move.

"What?" he asked when he noticed how I was frozen on one spot.

My lips just parted in response.

He continued to unbutton his polo and then threw it on the couch. Unti-unti siyang humakbang palapit sa akin. He stopped just right in front of me. I could see his hands slightly shaking as he touched my face.

"I wish..." he said, his eyes boring a hole on mine. "I wish you can just like me for me..." he continued before his lips covered mine and I tasted blood in my mouth.