The next following days felt like hell, not that it ever felt bliss, no. But it felt a million times worse. Slowly, I was again becoming the jungkook that I was months ago. I was slowly isolating myself from anything and just from everyone. Everything just feels too much for me.

I found myself locked on my room for the second day this week. Seokjin knocked on my door non-stop but I paid him no mind. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't make myself move without falling or simply breaking down, and that was the least scene I wanted my brother to see.

I've been having countless of dreams these past few days. Dreams so strong that had me feeling empty and a crying mess when I wake up, four worried eyes directed down at me as they tried to ease me with the words "It's okay, it's just a bad dream." but I know too damn well to degrade them just as dreams.

because most of them weren't just dreams, they were distant memories.

After having that talk with namjoon, things just became darker and more confusing. I found myself once againt lost, a stranger to my own self. I didn't know what I wanted, what to do nor who I have become. All I know is I want jimin back, and that was the beginning and the end of everything. His prescence alone consumed me to the point that I let myself lost in his every touch, his every smile and maginifence of the depths of his eyes. I drowned myself too deep in his that I lost the one real thing I own— myself.

It was then that I started questioning myself: who I am and who park jimin really is. Such ferocious words and conceptions flooded my mind, aching my heart and slaughtering my soul. I didn't wish for such thoughts as I hope to feed my hungry curiousity.

If I was the jungkook that I once was, would jimin's absence be this mournful for me? such questions stormed the very back of my mind, torturing me for questioning the depths of my affection towards him. I knew that I love him, but why do I doubt myself?

Maybe I am nothing but an idiot who mistakens friendship as love. Maybe I think nothing of park jimin but a friend and not as a possible lover. Maybe it is in the way that he had helped me built myself back up that I mistaken the warmth in my heart as affection of love and fondness. And it was in his disappearance that I had lost my mind for I was used to him being there.

How I wish it was all just that.

But it was in the way my heart flatters when his features came to view, the gentle fondness laced in my eyes as I stroke the smooth ends of his hair. The lightness of my heart upon witnessing such heavenly smile, the adoration and longing laced in my voice whenever I call his name. It was in the way that my heart shattered in half upon spotting the unoccupied seat of his during lunch time. The heavy burden in my chest whenever I see the stairs empty and jimin-free. It was in the way that my chest heaved a cry when his very name slipped from the very lips of the police officer, the trembling of my mouth, hands and feet upon reading the words about his disappearance.

but friends could mourn too, right?

no..

not like this.

Another knock errupted from the other side of the door, this time, hoseok's voice boomed. "Just come outside whenever you're ready, kook." he said, his voice gentle and soft with a hint of worry laced in it.

He was the third one to knock on my door and whisper such words on my door. But as for the past couple of days, I paid no mind. I sat still on my bed, emptiness devouring me, eyes locked on the plain white wall ahead of me. Back then I would feel sadness and anger inside of me— defeated that I had been left behind and madness consuming me because jimin chose to leave me behind. But right now, it is strange to feel competely nothing.

This feeling— the emptiness and the silence, it all feel so foreign to me.

Jimin filled my days with such fullness and glee. Every second, minute and every hour with him were moments to be treasured. He gave my days such colors and excitement. Heck he gave my life meaning.

When he left, I didn't know what to do. The emptiness within my heart was a shock to me. It felt so new and alien. I was so used to my loud and colorful world that I have no clue what to do or feel when it came crashing down and left me broken and blue.

Tell me, Jimin. What the hell do I do?

What should I feel?

no

How should I feel?