#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 37

It had always been a wonder how easy people can lie to one another... Because I had tried lying but it didn't feel good. Nung unang beses na nagsinungaling ako kay Kuya, sa sobrang lakas ng konsensya ko, I admitted my wrongdoing a few hours after. Tapos isinama ko rin sa confession iyon. At hindi pa rin ako natahimik kaya nagdonate pa ako sa foundation... At saka lang ako pinatahimik ng konsensya ko.

I had asked them a couple of times now pero palagi nilang sinasabi na okay lang daw ang lahat. They lied over and over again na minsan nga naniniwala na rin ako na okay lang ang lahat. But then I would remember that my brother's God knows where, and Ate Jas refused to take any of my calls. Kaya paano kaya nagagawa nila Liza at Kath sa akin 'yun? Not that they had the responsibility to tell me everything... pero kaibigan ko sila, e. And somehow, I was affected.

"Liza, I tried calling you yesterday pero wala ka raw. I wanted to ask you to come with me. Nasan ka kahapon?"

"Ah..." she said uneasily. "I was out."

"With?"

"With my mom," she said. But she was with Kuya Benj.

Why would she blatantly lie about that? Kung wala namang kung ano sa pagitan nila ni Kuya Jackson, bakit siya magsisinungaling? She could've just said na magkasama sila.

"Kath..."

"Hmm?"

I sighed.

"Do you know where Kuya is?"

She looked at me and just smiled. Didn't say anything but just smiled.

Hindi ko na talaga alam. Sinusubukan ko naman na habaan iyong pasensya ko pero hindi naman ako santo. Mahaba man ang pasensya ko, may hangganan naman iyon.

"Do you want to hang later?" Kath asked me.

I shook my head.

"May lakad ka later?"

I nodded.

"Oh. With Saint again?"

Tumango ulit ako. It's just that I didn't want to sadden myself more. Tuwi kasing nakikita ko sila, mas naaalala ko lang iyong mga bagay na tinatago nila. And hard as I tried to not think about it, I still did. I overthink things. And it's bad. It's really, really bad.

So I figured that instead of worrying myself over things that I had no control over, I should just focus on other things instead. I was constantly praying for the people around me but even I knew that I couldn't keep living that way. Dalawang araw na nga akong may sakit, e. Sabi nung doctor stress and overfatigue lang naman daw kaya konting pahinga lang, okay na ako. And maybe it was wrong to feel happy that I got sick pero kasi medyo nagiging okay na sila Mama... They were talking—a little, yes, but that's still an improvement. And that was because the doctor told them that I shouldn't be stressed. E sila naman iyong malaking dahilan kung bakit stressed at hindi ako makakain nitong mga nakaraang araw...

And Saint.

Well, since he found out that I was rushed to the hospital, agad niya akong pinuntahan. Hindi pa tapos iyong team building nila pero umalis na agad siya. Naawa nga ako kasi halos one week siyang pinapahirapan sa training nila pero sabi niya, okay lang naman daw. Kaysa naman daw nandoon siya sa Tagaytay habang nasa ospital ako. Pero pinagalitan ko nga siya dahil ang bilis niya raw magmaneho according to Cohen. He beat at least three red lights! Nagtataka nga ako kung bakit hindi siya nahuli, e.

"Saint, I'm fine," sabi ko sa kanya. Nagkasakit lang naman ako, hindi naman ako naputulan ng paa. Pareho sila ni Papa na sobra mag-alaga ngayon... Kung dati maalaga na sila, ngayon triple pa yata.

"You sure?" he asked, his voiced laced with worry.

I nodded.

"Talaga? You still look pale," he said and then touched my cheeks. I smiled at his gesture. Talagang nag-aalala siya sa akin.

"Yes," sabi ko at saka kinuha iyong libro ko mula sa kamay niya. Sinamahan niya kasi ako papunta sa classroom, as usual. "Start na ng class mo, 'di ba?"

He nodded and then looked at his watch.

"Sige na, ayos na ako dito," I urged. Tatlong araw na kasi siyang nagpapalate dahil sinasamahan niya ako sa classroom habang hinihintay ko si Kath dumating. Tapos dahil hindi sobrang synched iyong schedules namin, minsan nale-late siya after lunch dahil sinasabayan niya ako... Medyo nagu-guilty nga ako dahil hindi ko nasasabi sa kanya kung ano ang problema ko.

"Alright," he said. "But lunch later, okay?"

I nodded and smiled. Pumasok na ako sa class at wala pa sila Liza. I just got my book from my bag and read. At least dito magiging masaya ako. I was reading this book called All The Bright Places. I originally bought this book dahil mukhang kailangan ko ng something bright sa buhay ko to uplift my always sullen mood. And I was instantly hooked. I was so emerged in the literary world na tuwing break time, I tend to go somewhere quiet para magbasa.

"Mas interesting na ba iyong libro kaysa sa akin? Boring ba akong kasama?"

Ibinaba ko iyong libro ko at tinignan si Saint. His chin was resting on his hands and he was sporting this puppy face at napailing na lang ako.

"You're practicing," I replied. Inabot ko sa kanya iyong gatorade niya at saka face towel. "And besides, this book is good!"

"Better than HP?"

"That's unfair. You know that HP is the best!"

He laughed at then pinched my cheeks.

"I know, you adorable geek. Do you want to eat something after?"

I was about to say no dahil kailangan ko ng umuwi but then my stomach decided to betray me. Napahalakhak si Saint at saka ginulo niya iyong buhok ko.

"Think about what you want to eat, alright?" he said before he jogged back to the court. Sobrang higpit din pala kasi ni Austin bilang captain. Napapanood ko naman sila dati na magpractice. Mahigpit din naman si Psalm pero ibang klase iyong higpit ni Austin... Kahit ma-late ka lang ng kaunti, grabe na iyong punishment. Kaya sa kanilang mga GDL, si Austin talaga iyong literal na ball is life. Talagang isina-puso niya na.

As I was thinking about what food I wanted to eat (I was craving for samgyeopsal but ribs sounded so good... and buffalo wings, too! Ang hirap mamili ng kakainin!), my phone rang. It was Papa. Bakit kaya siya tumatawag?

"Pa—"

"Ate!"

My breathing hitched. My heart started beating erratically. Why was Finley crying?

"Fin? Why is your voice shaking?"

"Ate! Mama's gone!"

"What?"

"Mama! She left!"

Agad akong napatayo at saka kinuha iyong mga gamit ko. I was running until I reached the gate of the school. I immediately hailed a cab. Wala na akong pakielam kung pinagbabawalan ako na sumakay ng taxi dahil delikado raw. I just wanted to go home as soon as I could.

"Fin? Pauwi na ako. Stop crying. Where's Riley?" I said after I gave the address to the driver.

"He's crying but he's not talking, Ate... Is he okay? I'm scared. He's not saying anything."

I closed my eyes and breathed heavily. I shouldn't panic. If I panicked, my brothers would panic, too. And I was all that they had. Wala si Kuya. Kailangan kong maging matatag para sa dalawang kapatid ko.

Our house was just a few miles away from the school but the drive felt like forever. Sobrang lakas ng kaba ng dibdib ko habang papunta kami sa school. I told Finley to look after Riley. Sinubukan ko ring tawagan si Mama but she wasn't picking up any of my calls. Hindi ko na talaga maintindihan. I thought they were doing fine. Nag-uusap na nga ulit sila, e. Tapos ito?

I also sent Saint a text. I told him that I went home already and that I'd explain later. I didn't want him worrying. I made him worry enough already.

Pagdating ko sa bahay, agad akong nagbayad at saka tumakbo papasok. Nakita ko si Manang na may winawalis na nabasag na baso. I wanted to ask her what happened but I needed to find my brothers first.

"Fin? Si Ate 'to," I said as I knocked on the door. Agad namang bumukas iyon at saka nakita ko si Finley. He was still wearing his uniform and his eyes were red. Bigla na namang sumikip iyong dibdib ko. My brothers were too young for this. They shouldn't be seeing our parents fight.

"Are you alright?"

He nodded. His lips were quivering.

"I'm okay... Can you give Riley a hug?"

I smiled at him and then hugged him.

"Thanks for being a big brother to Riley. You did well. Your Kuya Saint will be proud of you," I told him as I hugged him. Pinuntahan ko agad si Riley na nandun sa isang gilid. He was hugging his knees and I could hear him whimpering. It shattered my heart to see him crying like this.

I sat beside him. I didn't know what to tell him. I couldn't tell him that everything's going to be okay because honestly, I had no idea... Akala ko dati magiging okay na pero hindi pala. Akala ko okay na sila Mama pero hindi pala.

So we sat there together until they grew tired of crying. Papa wasn't home. Siguro sinundan niya si Mama. I asked Manong to drive us to the nearest fastfood. We ate there.

"But Ate..." Fin said. "We're not allowed to eat here."

"It's okay. Just for tonight," I said and then smiled at them. Ayoko pa kasi na bumalik kami sa bahay. Apparently, Mama threw a fit and decided to destroy the whole receiving area. I didn't know what went down but I was certain that it was really serious. I didn't want to ask my brothers because I didn't want them to relive the memories... Kakausapin ko na lang sila Manang mamaya pag-uwi namin.

We ate greasy burgers and filled our stomach with fries and soft drinks. We ate and ate until we felt like bursting. If there was a mall open, we probably would've went there pero wala na, e. But I did everything to appease my brothers.

An hour later, we went back home. They cleaned themselves first and then I helped them do their homework. After that, I tucked them in their beds.

Bumaba na ako. Hinanap ko agad si Manang.

"What happened po?"

"Nako, hija..." Manang said apprehensively. "Hindi ko rin sigurado dahil nagluluto sana ako ng hapunan nung bigla na lang akong naka-rinig ng sigawan."

I bit my lower lip.

"Tungkol saan po 'yung pinag-aawayan nila?"

"Hindi ko rin sigurado pero naririnig ko iyong pangalan ng Kuya mo..."

I prodded Manang for a little longer pero hindi niya talaga alam kung ano ang pinag-awayan nila Mama bukod sa ilang beses nabanggit iyong pangalan ni Kuya. I tried staying up until Papa arrived but he didn't.

I was beginning to get really worried.

"Ate, are you okay? You look like a zombie."

Napa-ngiti na lang ako. At least medyo okay na sila Fin.

"Finish your breakfast, okay?"

They both nodded and shifted their attention to their cereals. Hinanap din nila sila Mama pero sinabi ko na lang na baka mamaya ay nasa bahay na sila. I didn't know if they believed me but good thing that they didn't ask any more questions. I didn't want to lie.

Dumiretso na ako sa school pero dumaan muna ako sa coffee shop. I wasn't a big fan of coffee but I felt like I needed a cup if I wanted to survive the day. Halos dalawang oras lang iyong tulog ko.

"Mary."

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nung nakita ko si Saint na nakatayo sa harap ng classroom. His forehead was creased and he looked like he wasn't able to sleep well, too.

"Hi," I said with a weak smile.

He took a step forward.

"You okay?"

I shook my head.

"You need a hug?"

I nodded. And not a second later, he enclosed me inside his arms. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na nakatayo doon but I didn't care. I just needed this hug. I had been pretending to be strong in front of my brothers but truth was, I wasn't strong. I was weak. And like them, I needed someone to tell me that everything's going to be all right.

And that was Saint. He's my rock. And I might not tell him this always but he's really important to me.

Since it was still a bit early, Saint and I had breakfast. Maaga kasi akong pumasok dahil hinatid ko sila Finley. 7am ang pasok nila pero 9am pa iyong pasok ko.

"Sorry," I said. "Hindi ako nakapagreply."

He pushed the plate of lasagna in front of me.

"It's okay," he said. "I worried a bit but I thought you might need space."

I smiled. He was right. Hindi ko rin siya makakausap kagabi. My mind was in a state of chaos and I needed my space and silence.

"I'm just here if you need to talk to someone, alright?"

I nodded.

"But how did you get home yesterday?"

"Taxi," I replied.

"What? It's not safe!"

"I was in a rush."

"You could've told me."

"Nagpa-practice kayo."

"I can excuse myself."

"Austin's really strict."

He nodded.

"Yeah... he's a bit crazy when it comes to basketball. But he's not heartless. He'll let me off if the reason's valid. At saka teka nga, the point here is that you rode a taxi. You know how unsafe that is!"

And he proceeded to lecture me about the hazard of riding a taxi—much more dahil babae ako at saka mag-isa ako. He's a little overprotective. But I was just thankful that for a little while, medyo nalimutan ko iyong problema ko sa bahay. That's Saint's effect. He's like rainbow and sunshine.

After he was done feeding me (he literally did feed me dahil mukha daw bigla na lang babagsak iyong mukha ko sa lasagna), hinatid niya ako sa classroom.

"After class, I'll drive you home," he said and then gave me my bag.

"Pano 'yung practice?"

"I'll tell Austin."

"Papagalitan ka."

He smiled.

"You're worth it."

--

My classes ended peacefully. Kath and Liza tried asking me but like what they always told me, I also replied okay lang ako. Medyo naiintindihan ko na sila. It wasn't that I was lying... I just didn't want to talk about my problems.

I didn't feel comfortable talking about my family problems with people other than my family.

When my classes ended, I was already waiting for Saint. Sabi niya kasi ay pupuntahan niya ako sa classroom so I waited patiently. But 15 minutes later, wala pa rin siya so I sent him a text saying na didiretso na ako sa room niya.

And I went there. Nakita ko si Saint na katabi si Dani. May isa pa naman silang lalaki na kasama pero... Ewan.

They were doing something but Saint kept on glancing at his watch. And I just stood there looking at them.

"Do you need to go somewhere?" Dani asked.

"Well, yeah... I promised Mary that I'll drive her home. She's probably already waiting for me," Saint said.

Dani smiled at him.

"Sige na, go. Kaya na namin 'to."

Saint just looked at her apprehensively.

"Dani, what the f? There are so many revisions! We need all the help we can get or we'll fail!" sabi nung isang lalaki.

"He'll be fast naman! He'll just drive Mary and then babalik na siya dito," Dani said and then practically pushed Saint para tumayo.

"If we fail, that's your fault," sabi nung lalaki kay Dani.

"If we fail, then we'll take this next sem. Problema mo?" Dani replied.

Saint, however, still looked confused. So I fished my phone from my pocket and sent a text.

'Manong already picked me up. Talk to you later,' I texted him and then turned around and began walking. After a few minutes, my phone started ringing. Saint was calling and I was torn between talking to him and just letting the phone ring until the call ends. It's not that I didn't want to talk to him... But I had no space for more drama. Dani was nice... but I...

I was jealous. And I didn't want to deal with more feelings. It was exhausting.

So against better judgment, I hailed a cab and went home. Pagdating ko sa bahay, naabutan ko si Papa. Halos takbuhin ko na iyong daan papunta sa kanya.

"Pa!" I said.

He looked at me.

"Tapos na 'yung class mo?"

"Si Mama?" I asked instead.

"Nasa bahay ng Kuya mo."

Napaawang iyong bibig ko.

"What?"

Papa closed his eyes and then held the back of his neck. He looked like he hadn't gotten even a wink of sleep.

"She insisted on staying with him. I just went here to get her some clothes."

Mas lalo lang umawang iyong labi ko.

"And you're okay with that?"

He smiled.

"She's pregnant, Mary. Her emotion's all over the place. I don't want to cause her stress," was all he said but I knew he's still hiding something.

"Pati ikaw... kay Kuya ka na rin titira?"

He shook his head and then smiled at me.

"Of course not. Hindi ko naman kayo iiwan," he said and then went upstairs to get Mama some clothes. Naiwan akong nakatulala. Did they just... separate?

And I stood there thinking about everything. I clenched my fist and stopped myself from crying but tears kept on falling. Everything's falling apart. And I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't do anything to save my family because no one's telling me anything. Ito na lang ba? Was I just supposed to stand and watch everything get destroyed? That my once happy family's now nothing but memory?

Was this the end of everything?

I locked myself inside my room. I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore. I was tired of pretending that I was strong because truth was, I wasn't. I was weak. And I needed to be protected, too.

Hindi ko na alam kung ilang araw na akong nasa kwarto lang. I refused to go down to eat. I skipped classes. I turned off my phone. I deactivated all my accounts. I just wanted to avoid everyone.

I knew I was being unfair. My brothers needed me... But I also needed someone. Pakiramdam ko sasabog na ako sa dami ng nararamdaman ko. Napapagod na ako. Gusto ko na lang umiyak pero hindi na ako maiyak. Nailabas ko na yata lahat.

"Mary, hija, nasa baba si Saint," sabi ni Manang habang dinalan ako ng pagkain.

"Salamat po."

"Hindi mo ba kakausapin? Araw-araw ng nandito... Kausapin mo naman..."

"Tatawagin ko na lang po kayo kapag tapos na ako," I replied instead. Itinabi ko iyong pagkain at saka nahiga ulit sa kama. I slept again because in sleep, I wasn't in pain.

Nung kinagabihan, may kumalabit sa akin. Nakita ko si Riley sa harap ko. He was handing me a phone.

"Parker?" sabi ko nung makita ko sa screen iyong mukha ni Parker.

"You look like..."

"A mess?"

He nodded.

"Bakit ka tumawag?" I asked, not bothering to even fix myself. Why bother? Si Parker lang naman 'to. He'd seen me in worst condition.

"I know you have a problem and I didn't want to bother you but Riley begged me to talk to you. Hindi ka raw kasi lumalabas sa kwarto and you're not even eating. He's worried that you'll die."

"I'm eating," I replied. "And it's only been three days. I won't die."

"Yes, but Riley's definition of eating is different. A few tablespoon of rice isn't considered as eating for him," sabi niya kaya napa-ngiti naman ako.

"Fine," I said. "Kakain na ako."

"Okay. There's a tray of food behind you. Kain ka."

I didn't want to but Parker was being pushy. Nag-uusap kami habang kumakain ako. He didn't ask me about my problems—he didn't even tell me that things would get better. He didn't say anything related to my problems. And I was thankful.

"I sent you an email," he said. "Buksan mo, bilis."

Curious, I got my laptop and opened my email account. There was a video attachment.

"If this is another video of a dancing cat—"

"It's cute! But it's not a video of a—"

I didn't hear the remainder of what he said because my eyes were focused on the screen. It was freaking Daniel. Radcliffe. Saying. Hi. To. Me.

Holy—

"Oh, my dear," I said, breathless. "How—why?!"

He chuckled at my reaction.

"Well, I was really bored here and then I was walking mindlessly when I saw that there's a play that he's starring in. I watched it and then after, I saw him outside. I figured you'd want a hi from him."

"Of course! He's Harry Potter!" I said, freaking out.

He laughed again. Inulit ko iyong video ng paulit-ulit. It was just a simple message but it lifted my mood.

"Thank you," I sincerely said. It was the first time that I smiled in weeks. I needed this.

He smiled back.

"No problem," he said. "Don't worry your brothers again like that, alright? They're really freaked out."

Three days pa lang naman akong nasa kwarto lang.

"Alright," I replied.

"Alright, I better get going," sabi niya. "And check your email again."