#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 43

My agendas for today were pretty demanding. First, I had to personally talk to my professors regarding my absences. I had to endure an hour worth of combined lectures from my professors, but it was well-meant. I understood that they were just after my welfare... and naintindihan naman nila kung bakit bigla na lang akong nawala. It was pretty much an AWOL, but I came back and I swore to no more absences. After that, I had to go to Saint's game. I was preserving all my energy dahil kailangan kong magcheer... Pero medyo hindi rin. Sabi kasi ni Saint, kapag kinakabahan ako, mas kinakabahan siya. Kaya minsan, kahit sobrang dikit ng laban nila with the other team, chill lang ako... At pagkatapos naman nun, magkikita kami ni Kuya.

Ngayon pa lang, pagod na ako.

"Do you still need anything?" Kath asked.

I shook my head.

"Sabagay, Saint already took care of everything. Basta, go text me when you need notes or anything."

"Gusto mong sumama? May game sila sa Brent later," I offered. Kasi 'di ba, wala na sila ni Kuya... Kung anuman ang nagkaroon sila kasi kahit ako, hindi nalinawan sa kung ano ang meron sa kanila dati. Basta sigurado ako na wala na iyon ngayon.

Umiling siya.

"Di mo na crush si Psalm?"

"Crush naman... Kaya lang, I'm taking a break from guys muna. I need to love myself first," sabi niya tapos medyo napaawang iyong labi ko sa sinabi niya. It was unlike her! "I was kidding!" she continued. "But seriously, time out muna."

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Ano ba ang ginawa ni Kuya kay Kath para maging ganito siya? This wasn't her...

"Are you sure you're fine?"

She smiled, and nodded.

"I'm fine."

"Pero—"

"Sabi nga nila, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm fine. I mean, I'm in a much better place than I was weeks before," she said with a smile, but I still wasn't convinced. "Anyway, since you'll be walking to Brent lang naman, I volunteer to bring your things to your house. Dami mong bitbit."

"Thank you," I said.

"No prob. What are bffs for, 'di ba?"

"No, seriously... Akala ko kasi hindi mo na ako ulit kakausapin dahil sa ginawa ni Kuya... Kaya thank you kasi okay na ulit tayo..."

"Your Kuya's fault isn't your fault. I just needed some alone time before, ikaw naman kung anu-ano na ang inisip. Stop that, okay? Don't overthink. But all is fine. I am fine. I'm still pretty. I'm still your friend."

I smiled and hugged her... kahit sabi niya ang OA ko na. I was just thankful... Akala ko kasi dati, sunud-sunod na. 'Di ba snowball effect? O kaya naman ripple effect? Na kapag may nagtrigger na maliit na bagay, sunud-sunod na... And I was starting to get really depressed before. Mabuti na lang at nagiging maayos na ang mga bagay ngayon.

We walked together towards the parking lot at saka iniwan ko sa sasakyan niya iyong mga gamit ko. Medyo mabigat din pala... Pero okay lang dahil nagamit ko naman siya in between breaks. After that, I went to my locker to get Saint's jacket. Hindi ko pa rin pala nababalik iyon dati nung pinasuot niya sa akin during their after game party.

Pagdating ko sa Brent, nagulat ako dahil maraming tao.

To: Saint GDL

I'm here already. Ang daming tao. Finals na ba? Anyway, good luck, GDL! I'll be cheering on you

After sending the text, naghanap na ako ng mauupuan. Had I known it would be this packed, I would have arrived earlier... Wala na tuloy magandang pwesto. I promised to Saint pa naman na makikita niya ako kapag naglalaro siya.

From: Saint GDL

It's the start of the season, Mary! You really don't listen to me when I talk about basketball tsk

To: Saint GDL

Hala grabe. At least I'm here. Be positive! At saka magwarm up ka na. Stop texting me!

From: Saint GDL

Where are you? I'll be sending one of the bench players to pick you up

Napa-tingin ako sa pwesto nila Saint at nakita ko na may kinakausap nga siya na lalaki. Seryoso talaga siya? Pero... pero mahirap nga maghanap ng mauupuan.

To: Saint GDL

Hala, wag na!

From: Saint GDL

Why? I'm gonna call you

And not even a few seconds later, my phone was ringing.

"Where exactly are you?" he asked. Patingin tingin siya kung saan-saan pero hindi niya ako makita.

"Sa taas."

"San sa taas, Mary? Be specific."

Napatawa ako. Bossy Saint.

"Sa right side. Sa opposite side ng dugout niyo," I answered and then waved. Napa-ngiti siya nung nakita niya ako. "As you can see, I am wearing your jacket, Saint GDL # 9."

He was still smiling and I loved the smiling Saint. It was a relaxing sight.

"Yes, I see, Mary. But I would love it more if you're closer. You're too far. I can't see you properly."

"Where do you want me to sit?" I asked. It's his day and I wanted to just give him whatever he needed. Naguguilty pa rin ako sa birthday mishap na nangyari.

"Here. So I can kiss you right after the game," he breathlessly said. Nanlaki iyong mata ko. Katabi niya si Cohen!

"Saint!"

"What?"

"Yung bibig mo!"

"Is itching to kiss you again," he continued. "So please be a good girlfriend and—"

I cut him off.

"I'll be cheering on you!"

"Mary!"

"What?"

"Nothing," he said, a smile breaking on his face. "Just sit where I can see you, alright? And meet me right after the game."

"Yes po... Ang demanding," I replied sheepishly.

"I'm walking on a thin thread here. Don't use po. I might just come and drag you here with me," he said and I laughed. And I ended the call because his coach was already looking pissed. Kasi naman, kausap ako imbes na magwarm up. Si Saint talaga.

When the game ended, I was so happy for Saint! Ang galing nga niya... but I didn't want to praise him too much. Malaki na nga iyong ulo niya, papalakihin ko pa ba? And he already knew that he's good at what he does. But every dab he made, I just... I just shouted like everybody else. He's really cool whenever he did that! But of course I wouldn't tell him and inflate his ego even more.

"So..." sabi niya nung makita niya ako. Nung matapos kasi iyong game, pinabayaan ko muna siya sa mga gustong magpa-picture at interview sa kanya. Nasanay na rin naman ako. Kahit naman nung hindi pa kami ni Saint, sanay na ako sa ganito. I mean, minsan nga, kahit nasa mall kami, may makaka-kilala sa kanya. Ang role ko ay kuhanan sila ng picture.

"I guess you're going to be my date," he said with a playful smile.

I nodded.

"What should I wear?" I asked, worried. Ayoko kasi na ma-disappoint ang GDL clan sa akin.

"Anything but silver. You don't want to upstage my mom. She's a bit of a drama queen," sabi niya ng natatawa pero kinabahan naman ako dahil doon! Hindi ko pa naman masyadong nakakausap ang parents nila... Tuwi kasing mapupunta ako sa kanila, nasa kung saang bansa iyong parents niya. They're really jet setters. Hindi napipirmi sa isang bansa.

Nanlaki iyong mata ko.

"Don't worry, she likes you very much already," he said to pacify me.

"Paano? Hindi ko pa naman siya nakakausap masyado..."

"Remember when she helped me pick a gift for you? Trust me, she wouldn't even bother if she didn't like you at all."

I looked at him, still worried. It was weeks away, but still... I didn't want to mess it up. Naniniwala ako na though first impression doesn't last, it still leaves a mark. And I didn't want to leave a negative mark.

"Just give me advice. I don't want to disappoint your mom," I said.

Saint cupped my face.

"My mom likes you, I promise. Don't get bothered. Just be yourself," he said.

"You mean my awkward self?"

He lazily smiled and nodded.

"Yeah... That awkward Mary that I ultimately fell in love with. Just be that," he said and then caressed my face.

Dahil sa sinabi niya, medyo kumalma na ako. Meron pa naman akong ilang araw para makapaghanda. Magtatanong na lang ako ng mga gusto at ayaw ng Mama niya para sigurado ako. At saka ang laki ng pamilya nila. Ang dami ko sigurong dapat malaman pero ayos lang. Ang daming effort sa akin ni Saint. Ano ba naman itong maliit na bagay? He asked for the permission of my parents, braved that way to my mother's heart, pinagtiisan niya iyong pang-aapi ni Kuya, at lagi siyang nakikipaglaro sa kambal. I should do the same for him. He deserved it.

"Basta hindi mo ako iiwan mag-isa sa party," I said.

"What if I need to go to the CR, sama ka rin?" sagot niya sa akin.

"Ano ka? Swerte?"

He laughed and then held my hand.

"Let's go to the locker room. I'll change really fast," sabi niya.

"You won't shower?"

"Preston's probably already waiting. And I don't smell, Mary," sabi niya at saka niyakap ako ng mahigpit.

"Ano ba! You're sweaty!" sabi ko habang siya, tawa nang tawa. Pinagtitinginan na siguro kami dahil sa ginagawa ni Saint. We're still in the basketball court at marami pa ring tao rito.

"Arte naman ng girlfriend ko," sabi niya.

"Ang clingy mo kasi," sagot ko.

He laughed again.

"Just wait, Mary. Magugulat ka, isang araw, mas clingy ka na. I'm irresistible, as you should know already."

Nagpaiwan ako sa dugout habang nasa locker room si Saint. I just sat there and quietly observed people. Minsan kasi therapeutic siya... Nakaka-relax lang na tignan iyong mga tao at obserbahan kung paano sila gumagalaw. Sometimes, when I was really bored, I would stitch stories about the people I see. It was fun, but sometimes sad.

Habang naghihintay ako, may dalawang babae na tumabi sa akin. I was supposed to mind my own business, like I usually did, pero narinig ko kasi iyong pangalan ni Saint...

"Bakit kaya may girlfriend na si Saint? My cousin told me that's he's always playing basketball, so paano siya magkaka-time para humanap ng girlfriend?"

Bigla kong naalala iyong encounter ko sa isang fan ni Saint dati... Bakit ba nangyayari 'to tuwing nasa Brent ako? Sign ba 'to na 'wag na akong bumalik sa school na 'to?

"E 'di ba they said that his girlfriend's the sister of Preston? 'Yung kaka-grad lang na soccer player?"

"Really? That's why siguro! She used her connections siguro para mapalapit sa GDL."

"Maybe... Anyway, though Saint's taken, nandyan pa naman si Psalm, Austin, and Cohen. Bayaan na natin sila. Magbe-break din 'yun."

Nakakalungkot talaga... kaka-simula pa lang namin ni Saint, pero gusto nila matapos na agad. Kapag naging boyfriend naman nila si Psalm, Austin, o si Cohen, hindi ko naman hihilingin na maghiwalay sila, e... Why can't some girls be happy for other girls? Ang hirap ba 'nun?

"E... what about Dani? Weird pa rin kasi. What are they ba?"

"Best friends nga, 'di ba?"

"Sus... friends. Sweet naman nila na friends..."

I tried to tune them out. I didn't want to go back to that place again. Okay na ako. Okay na kami ni Saint. I didn't want to worry about Saint and Dani anymore. Kung sinabi nila na best friends lang, e 'di best friends lang. I trusted Saint's words... And that's not really up for me to decide.

Mayamaya, may biglang tumawag sa pangalan ko. Lumakas iyong tibok ng puso ko.

"Hey, Saint's already looking for you."

Napatingin ako sa likod at nakita ko si Cohen. And I also heard grasps from the girls beside me. Hala, oo nga pala. Crush nga pala nila ang GDL. They must be freaking out dahil nandito si Cohen... I would have introduced them kung hindi sila ganoon mag-isip... I didn't think they'd be good for Cohen. Isip bata pa naman 'to.

Tumayo agad ako.

"Ah... Sige, tara na," I said. I wanted to get away from these girls. Baka kung ano pa ang maipasok nila sa utak ko.

"You okay?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Really? Because I kind of heard some of the things they were saying," Cohen said.

"No, I'm really fine. That's their opinion."

He frowned.

"Just because it's an opinion doesn't mean it's valid."

"Lahat naman ng opinion ay tama, 'di ba?"

He nodded.

"Yes... but just because it's right doesn't mean it's not stupid," he refuted. "And their opinion is stupid. Saint's all about you, probably more than you are about him. And honestly, you're the only girl who's close to all of us."

"Talaga?" I asked, hindi makapaniwala.

"Yes," he replied. "Ate Maggie's a headache personified and Austin's not much of a people person."

"I noticed."

"But they like you for Saint. So that means something, right?"

"Talaga? Gusto nila ako for Saint?" hindi makapaniwala kong tanong.

"Yes. We actually threatened Saint that we'd disown him if he hurts you," sabi niya kaya natawa naman ako. "So, cheer up. You're unofficially our sister-in-law."

Dahil sa sinabi ni Cohen, napanatag na ako. Sobrang grateful ako sa presensya niya. He's a younger version of Kuya Benj. Mabuti na lang at nandyan siya kaya hindi ko masyadong namimiss si Kuya Benj. Nung nakita namin si Saint, agad kaming dumiretso sa parking lot. I sent a text to Kuya saying that I was already on my way. Biglang kinabahan na naman ako.

Saint held my hand.

"It's gonna be alright," he cooed. "If it doesn't, just shout and I'd come rescue you."

"Baliw. Hindi naman ako sasaktan ni Kuya."

"Precisely. So stop worrying about it. It's probably just you overthinking things again," he said.

I nodded and took deep breaths in order to calm myself down. Iniwan ko si Saint sa sasakyan and told him to eat the take out we bought earlier. Sigurado kasi ako na pagod iyon dahil sa game.

"It's boring to eat alone," sabi niya. "I'll just wait for you."

"Baka matagalan ako."

"Okay lang. Take your time."

"Ang kulit mo naman. Kumain ka na."

"Ang kulit mo rin. Ako naman 'yung magugutom, hindi ikaw."

Ang kulit!

"Saint," I said in a threatening voice pero hindi naman niya ako sineseryoso. "Eat."

"Mary," he mimicked me. "Don't want to."

Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata.

"If the food remains untouched pagbalik ko, I'm gonna get mad."

Natawa naman siya.

"I'm serious, Saint. Eat," I reiterated in a more serious manner. He should eat kahit wala ako. Ayoko na masyadong dependent kami sa isa't-isa. I didn't think that's healthy.

"Fine," he groaned. "But still, take your time. I'll probably just sleep while waiting," he said and I nodded. He's really tired dahil ilang araw na na late siya nakakatulog dahil sa akin. Tapos ngayon, kakatapos lang ng game niya. Sigurado ako na pagod na pagod na siya but he still refused to go home and rest. Gusto niya kasi akong samahan. 

Nung papunta na ako sa loob, agad hinanap ng mga mata ko si Kuya. At nung nakita ko na siya, agad kumunot ang noo ko nung may kasama siya.

"Kuya?" I said nung nilapitan ko siya. "Sino... siya?"

Kuya looked at me. He looked more matured. I mean, he looked well but he looked like he... I didn't have the right words to describe him. Naguguluhan pa rin ako kung ano ang nangyari at kung bakit may baby sa high chair.

"Imo, say hi to John."

"Uhm... hi, John. Sino siya, Kuya?"

"He's your nephew."

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

"W-what? P-paano? Ha? Bakit ka may anak? Paano ka nagka-anak?" sunud-sunod na sabi ko habang tinitignan ko iyong bata. I looked at his every feature. I looked at his eyes, his nose, his cheeks. I looked at everything.

Oh, my god. Kamukha siya ni Kuya!

"Kuya!" I said and raised my voice when he didn't immediately answer my questions. I had lots of questions going inside my mind. Sino ang nanay ng anak? Kailan pa? Paano siya nagka-anak? Kilala ba nila Mama? Kilala ko ba? Bakit ngayon ko lang nakita iyong baby?

Ang alam ko, may criminal record lang ang Kuya ko... Hindi ko alam na binatang ama na rin pala siya!

"One question at a time," he said tapos biglang umiyak iyong baby. Nataranta naman si Kuya at saka binigyan siya agad ng bote ng gatas. Pinanood ko habang ginagawa niya iyon. I didn't know what to feel...

I waited until he was ready, but while I was waiting, my mind felt like exploding. Tama nga sila Mama. Baka mas nabaliw ako kung dati ko ito nalaman.

"Who's the mother?" was the first one I asked.

"Not important," he replied.

"Kuya!"

He groaned.

"What? She's not even here, see? She's probably out on a date," he said.

"She's still the mother of your son!"

"I know! It's a curse! Tignan mo nga kung ano ang pinangalan niya sa anak ko?! John! John lang. Parang tinamad pa siya na bigyan ng pangalan. If she wasn't forced, baka ang nakalagay sa birth certificate ay unnamed. Tsk!"

Who was this girl? Ano'ng ginawa niya sa Kuya ko?

"Who is she, Kuya? Kilala ko ba?"

Umiling siya.

"Tiga-saan?"

"Mars," he replied.

"Kuya naman... saan nga?"

At sa wakas, napilit ko na rin siya magkwento habang si baby John, tahimik na inuubos iyong formula niya. Apparently, nakilala ni Kuya iyong babae sa isang club. Ito pala iyong gabi na nag-inuman sila ni Saint at nadala sila sa kulungan.

"And you didn't even know you slept with her?" I asked nung sinabi niya na nagulat din siya nung malaman niya na may anak na pala siya.

"I didn't even know I wasn't a virgin anymore," he replied and then sighed. "I was out on a date with Kath and her mom nung bigla akong lapitan ng baliw na 'yun at sabihin na may anak na kami. Tita Min still probably loathes me."

Oh, my God. Kaya pala kahit sa akin ay galit si Tita Min!

"And now... you're living with her?"

Kuya nodded.

"She practically forced herself to me. She doesn't have any money. She doesn't have a place to stay," sabi niya.

"Why don't you just come live with us?"

He laughed.

"And what? Drive Mama crazy? E halos magpatayan na nga sila nung nasa QC pa siya," Kuya said. Napaawang iyong labi ko. Hindi ko alam na ganoon pala ang nangyayari doon! Habang kami, walang kamalay-malay sa South!

"Are you not going to marry her?"

Hindi makatingin sa akin si Kuya. If I was going to go for facts, Kuya's probably already being pressured to marry. Unang apo nila Mama... tapos anak sa labas? I didn't think they'd approve.

"Do I marry her even if I don't love her?" he asked. Hindi ako makasagot. "I don't even feel anything but hate for her, Imo. She frustrates the shit out of me. If not for my son, I'll kick her out of the house. She's my worst nightmare."

Gusto kong yakapin si Kuya dahil sa mga naririnig ko... Hindi ko alam na ganito pala ang pinagdadaanan niya tapos kung anu-ano pa ang naisip ko sa kanya dati... Tama talaga si Saint. It was just my overthinking. I was always blowing things out of proportion.

"Maybe you'll learn to love her," I offered as an answer.

He looked at me and sadly smiled.

"Love isn't something you learn. It's something you feel. You don't force it. It happens. And if you force it, it's probably not love... But safety. And I don't want safety, Imo. That's not the kind of love and life I want for me."