#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 52      

When Mama told me that she already prepared everything for me, nalimutan niya yata na art student na ako kaya kailangan ko ng art supplies. Medyo tinatamad ako na lumabas, but it's alright. Tatlong araw na rin kasi ako na nakakulong lang sa unit. After I went out with Kath and Liza, I decided to hibernate again. 24 hours akong tulog. Siguro dahil sa sobrang pagod na rin dahil pitong buwan akong palipat-lipat ng bansa. Kaya naman ngayon na malapit na talaga ang first day of class, napagdesisyunan ko na lumabas na.

Hindi pa rin ako marunong magdrive kaya naman sa Uber muna ako sasakay. I waited until the driver arrived and then he drove me to the mall. Habang nakasakay ako, nagtext na naman si Cohen sa Viber.  

Cohen GDL: Where are you?

Imogen Suarez: Mall. Bakit?

Cohen GDL: What mall?

Imogen: Mega

Tapos hindi na siya nagreply. Sobrang weird lang din ni Cohen talaga!

Pagdating ko sa mall, agad akong dumiretso sa bookstore para maghanap ng art supplies. Pero bago pa man ako makarating sa art supplies section, bigla na akong hinatak ng mga libro. Naman, oh! Palagi na lang 'tong nangyayari. Hindi naman libro ang sadya ko pero sa libro pa rin ako bumabagsak.

I was stuck trying to decide if I'd buy A Thousand Pieces of You book. Malakas kasi iyong pakiramdam ko na madadagdag lang siya sa pile of to be read list ko na never namang nababawasan... In fact, mas sobra siyang nadagdagan nung birthday ko dahil binilhan ako ni Kuya ng maraming books. Favorite ko pa rin talaga iyong binilhan niya ako ng bagong bookset ng Harry Potter kasi sobrang ganda nung new design, pati na 'yung trunk!

At ngayon na independent na ako—well, sort of, nagdesisyon ako na mag-aaral na akong magtipid. Kahit feeling ko sobrang hirap niya.

"Isa ka talagang mahinang babae," I whispered to myself habang kumukuha ng basket para ilagay doon iyong libro. Nagdecide na rin ako na bilhin iyong books na kasama niya sa series kasi pakiramdam ko may kulang kapag iyong first book lang ang binili ko.

Pero napahinto ako.

"H-hi," I said. What was he doing here?!

Ngumiti sa akin si Parker.

"Wala kang pasok?" I continued, trying to act normal, but I was afraid that I was failing miserably at it. Sobrang nakakahiya na nga iyong nangyari nung welcome party ko! Tinutukso kasi ako nila Kuya na naglaway daw ako kay Parker! Nakakahiya!

"Three hours break," he mentioned.

"Ah..." sabi ko. Isip pa ng topic, Imo! "Bumibili ka ng libro?"

He nodded, and then showed me the book he was holding. The Civil Code of the Philippines. Damn. Law student na nga talaga siya. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala kahit nakatayo na siya sa harap ko ngayon, holding that book and dressed as a lawyer and all.

"Ikaw?" he asked. Bigla naman akong nahiya sa mga libro ko. Sobrang seryoso na ni Parker, samantalang ako, pabasa-basa lang ng libro.

"Ah... I'm buying art supplies since start na ng school on Tuesday."

"After that, do you have plans?"

Napa-kurap ako. Ulit.

"Ha?"

"Let's eat before I go back to school," he said, smiling and all. Naninibago talaga ako sa kanya! Kailangan kong tanungin si Kuya Benj kung ano ang nangyari kay Parker nung panahon na wala ako! "If it's alright with you."

I pursed my lips. Sobrang nako-conscious ako. Pakiramdam ko kasi naririnig ko sa tenga ko si Kuya na nagsasabi na tumutulo ang laway ko.

"Okay," I replied. "Tapusin ko lang 'yung bibilhin ko."

Parker insisted on holding the basket for me. Ako naman, sandali kong kinalimutan na kasama ko siya dahil nakuha nung art supplies iyong atensyon ko. I bought everything I thought I'd need. Bumili ako ng mga sketch pads, brush pens, brushes, charcoal pencils, pencils, oil pastels, paints, rulers, and basically everything my eyes fancied.

I was deciding on which brand of water color I'd buy nung mapalingon ako kay Parker. He was smiling.

"Bakit?" I asked.

"Nothing. I just like seeing you happy."

"Malungkot ba ako dati?"

Umiling siya.

"Not really. Iba lang talaga ngayon."

"Am I better now?" I asked.

He nodded.

"So much better."

I had to break our stare. Naiilang ako. Binalik ko iyong atensyon ko sa tubes na hawak ko at saka kinuha na lang iyong mas nagustuhan ko. Inilagay ko iyon sa basket at saka tumayo pero natumba ako. Damn, legs! Masyado yatang napatagal ang pag-upo ko kaya namanhid iyong binti ko.

"S-sorry," I said nung masalo ako ni Parker.

"Are you alright?"

I nodded, but truth was, he was standing too close. I felt like I was drowning with proximity.

"Okay na ako," sabi ko sa kanya.

"You sure?"

Tumango ako at saka alangan na ngumiti. Pumunta na kami sa cashier, but before I could even whip out my credit card, binigay na ni Parker iyong card niya.

"Hala! 'Wag mong bayaran!"

"It's alright," he said with a smile.

"May pera naman ako..."

"I know," he replied. "But when I got my first salary working in Dad's firm, I promised myself that I'd treat you."

Napaawang iyong labi ko sa narinig ko mula sa kanya. Ibig bang sabihin, nung mga panahon na wala ako, iniisip niya ako? Something inside me hammered inside my chest.

"Ah..."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko na ba nasabi ang ah ngayong araw. Si Parker naman kasi! Bakit niya ginagawa sa akin 'to!

"So, I got this," he said, making me give up paying for the things I bought.

Paglabas namin, si Parker pa rin ang may buhat nung mga binili ko. I felt guilty dahil mabigat ang mga iyon. Tapos ang laki pa nung sketch pad! But at the same time, I was enjoying seeing his arms all worked up. Lumalabas kasi iyong ugat sa braso niya tapos... ewan. Ang ganda kasing tignan. Pero hindi ko pinapahalata sa kanya na tinitignan ko dahil nakakahiya na talaga ako!

"Lagay muna natin sa sasakyan mo bago tayo kumain," I offered. "Ang dami mong dala, e."

"No, it's fine."

"Pero mabigat."

He smiled.

"Mababawasan lang 'yung oras natin kapag pumunta pa sa parking. It's alright, Imo."

Damn that smile.

"Saan mo gustong kumain?" he asked me. Nagmadali akong tignan iyong mga resto na malapit sa amin. As much as I enjoyed seeing the veins in his arms, I didn't want to abuse his kindness. At saka mag-aaral pa siya ulit mamaya. Ayoko naman na mapagod siya.

"Dun na lang," I said and then pointed out at Hobing. Pumasok kami sa loob. Umorder lang kami ng pagkain tapos habang naghihintay, medyo naiilang ako dahil ramdam na ramdam ko iyong titig sa akin ni Parker. "Pangit ba 'yung buhok ko?" I asked.

"No. It looks good on you."

Tumango ako and said, "Ah... e bakit grabe kang maka-tingin?"

"You've been gone for seven months. Am I not entitled to miss you?"

Nanlaki ang mata ko.

"Bakit ang straightforward mo ngayon?" I couldn't help but ask. Kung may history siguro ang pamilya ko ng heart attack, matagal na akong nabuwal sa sahig dahil sa mga sinasabi ni Parker!

He smiled.

"I really couldn't do anything before for you... Aminado naman ako na sobrang gago ko dati. I took you for granted, I played with your feelings, I pushed you away. But for the past seven months, I did everything I could, just so I could be worthy of you. Gusto ko kasi na magkaroon na ako ng karapatan sa 'yo, Imo."

Sa bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig niya, palakas lang nang palakas iyong tibok ng puso ko. I wanted to check if I was still breathing, because his words were taking my breath away. I didn't know what changed... but Parker's not who he was when I left him.

"I couldn't love you the way you deserved to be loved before, because even I, myself, know I wasn't good enough... but I think I'm good enough for you now."

Napaawang iyong labi ko sa mga sinabi niya.

"Parker..."

He smiled, and I could still see the sadness hiding behind his smiles. Months may pass, he might pretend that he's fine, but deep inside, I knew he was still hurting.

"Don't worry, I'm not rushing things. I just want you to know that I know your worth now... at hindi kita sasayangin, Imo."

Bumuntong-hininga ako.

"Alright," I replied. "But let's be friends for now. Okay?"

He nodded.

"Sure. Friends."

When our food arrived, I couldn't help but oggle at its cuteness. Natatawa sa akin si Parker dahil hindi ko makain iyong bingsoo dahil sa sobrang cute niya! I kept on taking pictures, at saka nanghihinayang na kainin.

"Matutunaw na 'yung yelo," Parker pointed out.

"But it's too cute..."

"Let's just go here again. Kainin mo na."

Ngumuso ako. Habang kumakain ako, napapansin ko talaga iyong libro ni Parker. Sobrang kapal kasi.

"Mahirap ba 'yung law school?" I asked. I was just curious... kasi ayaw ni Parker maging lawyer dati dahil nakikita niya sa parents niya kung gaano sila ka-busy. That was one of the reasons why Mama was so fond of Parker, aside from Tito Parker. Medyo naaawa kasi siya dahil palaging busy si Auntie Kach at Uncle Tripp. Madalas si Parker sa bahay kahit dati pa.

"Yeah... time's my biggest nemesis."

Bigla naman akong na-guilty dahil kasama niya pa akong kumakain ngayon imbes na nag-aaral sana siya.

"Ah... sige, wait. Bibilisan ko lang kumain," I said at saka sinimulan na ubusin na iyong bingsoo. Natutunaw na rin kasi siya.

"No," pigil ni Parker. "I want to spend more time with you." At agad na napaawang na naman iyong labi ko. He should seriously stop saying things like this! Nakakagulat! "You have no idea how I restraint myself not to follow you when you went away... I reminded myself again and again that you needed space. But now that you're here, I want to spend as much time with you as I can."

"Parker naman..."

He smiled.

"Wag kang mailang sa akin, please? It's just that... I'm so sorry. Thinking about the things I did to you before, the things I said to you before, alam ko na kahit ano ang gawin ko, hindi ako makakabawi sa 'yo."

I smiled.

"Ang tagal na 'nun."

"Siguro. But I still hurt you. And I can't forgive myself for that."

"But I already forgave you. You should, too."

I was done holding grudges. I just wanted to live a new life. I wanted to focus on only the good things. Ang dami kasing magandang bagay sa mundo... tapos kung sa negatibo ka lang naka-tingin, nasasayang lang lahat ng maganda. I didn't want that.

Nung matapos na kaming kumain, dumiretso na kami sa parking lot. Parker insisted that he'd drive me home kahit na ayoko. Malapit na kaya ang klase niya!

"Okay lang kasi," I said. "Malapit lang naman 'yung unit."

"Kahit na."

"Ang kulit mo."

He smiled.

"Hindi ko alam na ganito ka ka-kulit."

He looked at me, his hands steady on the steering wheel. Napa-lunok ako. Why did he look so... no. Don't even go there, Imo! It's one thing to think that matured Parker is attractive, ibang usapan na kapag sexy siya sa paningin mo!

"You don't know many things about me," he replied, my eyes zooming in on how his adam's apple moved.

"Na ganito ka ka-kulit?" I asked.

"Na ganito ako ma-in love. You never knew because we never had the chance before. I never had the chance to show you... but I'll show you now. That this is how I fall in love."

Oh heavens.

--

Kinabukasan, plano ko sana na sa unit lang ako. I wanted to test the things I bought—I mean, iyong mga binili ni Parker. Kaso, nagtext iyong head ng program. Kailangan daw naming pumunta sa school para sa briefing session. I didn't ask questions, and just proceeded on preparing. I just took a bath and wore the most comfortable clothes I could find. I still wasn't comfortable wearing super short shorts, but at least nakakapagsuot na ako ng three inches above the knees na shorts!

I settled on wearing white lace shorts, black halter top, and oversized cardigan. I also wore my white sneakers. I just blow dried my hair dahil wala naman akong magagawa masyado sa maigsi kong buhok. I still didn't like wearing makeup—walang nagbago, but I wore nude lipstick para hindi ako mukhang bangkay masyado. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit ano'ng tapat ko sa araw, hindi ako umiitim.

Pagdating ko sa school, I was still looking for the Arts building. Ang alam ko kasi ay nasa kabilang dulo ng campus iyon. St. Claire's Academy is a big school kaya hindi ko pa rin siya nalilibot masydo.

"Excuse me," I said as I asked the girls in front of me. Malapit na kasing mag 10 am. Ayoko naman na ma-late agad ako. "Do you know where—"

"Oh, my gods!" the girl squealed. "Mary Suarez, right?!"

I winced at the loudness of her voice, but nodded nonetheless.

"Uhm, yeah, but do you know—"

"Oh, my god! Giiiiiiirl! Bumalik na 'yung girlfriend ni Saint! Ibig sabihin ba titino na ulit siya maglaro?!"

Napaawang iyong labi ko. Why was I being dragged with his name?

"Nasan 'yung Arts building?" I asked. But instead of answering my question, she berated me with hers.

"Pakisabi naman kay Saint, umayos na, please? For the first time in 10 years, natalo tayo sa championship!"

I sighed.

"I'm not his girlfriend," I said. Baka si Dani iyong tinutukoy nila?

"Weh? E ikaw lang nasa IG at Facebook niya, e. I mean, brown 'yung buhok mo roon at hindi red, pero ikaw 'yun."

Kumunot ang noo ko. Ano'ng pictures ang sinasabi ng mga 'to?

"Ah... okay, thanks, anyway." I'd just look for the building on my own.

It took me a few minutes, but I managed to locate the building. Nung dumating ako, medyo marami ng tao kaya naman sa likod na ako pumwesto. The people looked different... Not the usual people. They looked... more free? Some people had unusual hair colors. Ang gaan sa pakiramdam. Nakikinig lang ako habang pinapaliwanag iyong expectations sa degree program namin.

Bumalik na 'yung girlfriend ni Saint!

'Ano ba, Imo? Magfocus ka sa nasa harap mo,' I kept on reminding myself, but I failed miserably. 'No. 'Wag mong tignan iyong accounts niya. Tapos ka na 'dun. 'Wag kang bumalik.'

Huminga ako nang malalim at nagfocus sa harap ko. I needed to do well. I shifted and left everything behind, failing here wasn't an option. I knew my parents wouldn't pressure me, but for once, I wanted to do well for myself. I wanted to make myself proud.

Nung matapos na iyong meeting, lumabas na kami. Naglalakad na ako palabas para mag-abang ng taxi nung marinig ko na papalapit na 'yung basketball team dahil nagja-jogging sila. Naman! Bakit ba dinadaanan 'to ng basketball team tuwing may jogging?!

Agad akong huminto sa paglalakad at nagtago. I just didn't want to risk it.

"5 more laps and then we'll rest!" Ralph shouted.

"Yes, cap!" the rest of the team answered in unison.

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. Why were they calling Ralph captain? Kung graduate na rin si Austin... ibig sabihin, si Saint na dapat iyong captain... Pero bakit ko ba iniisip 'yun? Pakielam ko ba. 

Nung makalagpas na sila, aalis na sana ako nung huminto si Cohen at Saint.

"Kuya," Cohen said.

"What?"

"I know it's not my place, but coach will cut you out from first five if you keep on ditching practice. Like yesterday."

"I don't care," Saint replied.

"It's been seven months."

"And yet, nothing changed. I'm still in love with her," he replied before he continued to jog.