Sadelle

From his statement, a decision was born into fruition in my mind. Right after my private moment at the restroom, I came back and told Yuan, I was heading home for the day. Despite being perplexed by the sudden announcement, the former bid me goodbye before telling me of our lesson the next day. Technically, he told me about not being sure to meet at the Gazebo by midafternoon, but he suggested a way to communicate with me. I decided to tell him about my only social media account, which I mostly use for academic purposes, and told him to message me there. We had an agreement.

Presently, as I sit in front of my study table, with my laptop's brightened screen reflecting its light on my face, I look at the infographic I clicked on: informing students about tomorrow's main event, Mister and Miss Intramurals. The last day, Saturday, then is usually for the awarding of the winners and specific stand-out players throughout the whole duration of Intramurals.

My mind still feels a bit befogged - as if recovering from a strong hangover, currently replaying the memories of one's drinking last night: I kept on repeating the finality of my decision. This was a hangover. I have been intoxicating myself for some time now, but I can't keep letting myself show these symptoms - the drinking has to stop one way or another.

I need to sober up; realize that there's only one way of doing this. Apologizing to Lizzy personally, and meaning it with the essence of the word, was bound to happen and about to come. The concern now is how I'm going to do it. Yuan's explanation got to me about how in understanding the book, I need to know the conception of words.

We were best friends, and she treated me like her best friend - defending me from other people who question my attitude, always staying by my side, and appreciating me for the person I am. On the contrary, I treated her as my best friend by seeing her as the best person who understood me, thus thinking that she would always comprehend my actions, considering that I'm not really obliged to change anything.

I'm starting to realize that just because familiarity is something I prefer, it doesn't mean I should sacrifice other people in maintenance of it. Yes, I have a set of traits that define who I am, but that's not enough to declare rigidity. Compromise doesn't just go one way, it's a two-way street.

A knock on my door pulled me out of my thoughts.

I stood up, walked to the door and opened it to find my mom standing outside. "I'm going out tonight, meet-up with workmates. Baka mahuli na ako ng uwi, huwag mo na ako hintayin. Besides, I have a key so you can lock the house," Mom instructed as I saw her dressed in a stylish comfortable night outfit with her trademark portrait collar top, wide leg pants, and pumps in black and white. Her mid-back length hair let down, showing its jet black beauty and shine.

Looking at her features, I see fragments of my appearance. We share the same striking jaw that seems to manifest in the edginess of our character. Sharing the same square-shaped face heightens the intensity people perceive from our facial features. Our thick, fuller lips seem to enunciate words more when we speak. Yet, the differences we have in her low-bridged nose and her beautiful black round orbs, with her naturally thin eyebrows seem to elevate her aura with an elegance I've always admired from her since I was a child. She was always radiantly attractive, and her light seems to have been inherent to her from birth.

The treacherous feeling is always lurking in the depths of my consciousness, that no matter how much I wish for it, I'll never be seen the same way.

"Okay po, Ingat ka, Ma," I shortly replied and watched her nod in reply before heading down the staircase.

I closed my bedroom door and locked it afterwards. Moments later, I hear the gate being opened, my mom's engine turned on and a few more moments later, I heard the gate close.

It's already half past seven in the evening. I had dinner an hour earlier by myself. Going back to my study table, I looked at the infographic again. After a few minutes of plainly staring at the photo, I decided to take a quick body shower.

Preparing my night clothes, I placed them on my bed. Grabbing a hair tie from my vanity table, I tied my hair in a bun before heading to the bathroom. I immediately removed my clothes once inside, and placed them on top of my covered toilet bowl. My bath towel was neatly placed behind my door, hanging on a towel rail. I took it and hung it on my shower curtain rod.

I turned the shower faucet on, closed the curtain, adjusted the water temperature, and felt the warm water on my skin. I stood under the shower, far enough not to get my hair wet, but my body feeling the warmth and relaxation from the water dripping down my skin.

Then, I went a little closer to wash my face under the shower. Taking my time in the shower, thoughts started to enter my mind.

Lizzy's outburst at the book cafe, our argument in the classroom, my engrossment with the book, and finally, being lectured by the college Vice President about the contents of the book I can't let go...it all seems so hazy to me. The things that happened doesn't seem drastic, but why do I feel as if I'm grappling with making sense of all this?

Am I being left behind by the reality of my situations, or am I hindering myself from my own path?

For what seemed like eternity, I finally finished my body shower. I dried myself with the towel and stepped out, before walking to the bathroom sink. The half body mirror I have reflects my state at the moment, my hair a bit wet on the top, and my face having no color from just having taken a shower. Staring at my reflection longer, I looked at the lack of color in my face and my seemingly emotionless expression.

Noticing each feature of mine, I looked at myself with a detached disposition. My gaze, then, went to my scar. My attention lingered on it, just close to the side of my left eye. I looked at the beginning of the scar from the outer corner of my eye down to the upper part of my cheekbone, in a slanting position. I touched it with my index and middle finger. The rough texture on my skin made me dwell on its existence longer.

Perhaps, a scar may be a remembrance of strength and courage. It's a proof of the experience you went through and a testament to the bravery one has. Maybe, it's an experience from one windy afternoon enjoying your childhood and being wounded from having too much fun. When you look at it, you see the playful memories of youth and feel nostalgic about it.

Where do I place myself, when the memory of a scar, not only etched in my physical being but as an unwanted memory of my troubled youth?

"Look at me, I'm Sadelle, I'm so kawawa because wala na akong tatay," another day in third grade wherein three of my classmates would make fun of me for not having my father with us anymore.

"Mommy na lang ang meron siya. How pathetic is that. Wala ka nang daddy kasi ayaw ka na niya makasama kaya namatay na lang siya!" their laughter erupted as they surrounded me by the hallway in the staircases.

"Shut up, you don't know my dad!" I answered back, as I felt surrounded by the three of them and felt myself walking close to the end of the wall. I tightened my grip on the strap of my backpack, which was hoisted behind me.

It was dismissal time, and I was one of the cleaners assigned for that day. We schedule the cleaners by our last names and I'm assigned to clean every Wednesday along with five other classmates of mine. We finished cleaning around a quarter of an hour and I saw the others passing by the ramp on the other side. I decided to go down the stairs on my own, as it's not as crowded with people like the ramp, but saw the three of them on my way down.

I tried going the other way around but they called me back, and before I knew it, I was surrounded by the three of them again.

"So what if we don't know your dad? Bakit, ikaw ba kilala mo dad mo?" the third girl asked in a condescending tone.

I was about to answer but stopped halfway. Realizing that I don't even know how to answer the question properly.

She menacingly smiled at me, and looked at her two other friends. They were all sharing meaningful looks with each other. Then, she faced me again. "Oh, bakit hindi ka makasagot?"

Another girl answered for me, the leader of the group and the one who seems to harbor unexplainable anger for me. "Ay, oo nga pala. Maagang namatay daddy mo! Wala ka tuloy alam ano'ng pakiramdam ng may daddy."

Their laughter erupted again as the three of them sounded very entertained by their criticisms. "Besides, lagi ka rin late sunduin ng mommy mo. Wala pa kayong yaya. Yuck!"

"Like right now, for sure, late na naman mommy mo. Baka ayaw ka na rin niyang maging anak, kaya nakakalimutan ka sunduin," the second girl added and she did a high-five with the leader of their trio.

My brows creased at them, not liking the things I'm hearing and feeling my tightening grip on the straps of my backpack. I could almost feel my palms hurting from the friction of both my grip and the texture of the straps.

"Puwede ba, umalis na lang kayo. I don't want to talk to the three of you!"

The leader snorted. "Alis? Don't tell us what to do, lalo na kung isang poor na tulad mo mag-uutos sa amin. My gosh. Her bag's not even a square trolley, or the usual trolley man lang. Ew! So poor!"

"May bahay kami. We're not poor!" I retaliated with obvious irritation.

"Our maids also have a house, rich ba sila? Of course not! You're so dumb talaga. Your mom works for my mom, so you guys are poor because we give money to you."

Then, annoyed, she pushed me even further into the edge of the wall before ordering her two other friends to follow her and I watched as they left me alone.

My reflection in the mirror showed my eyes feeling hollow, and at the same time my face losing more color than it already has. I felt more tension running through my body as my grip on the sides of the sink tightened. There's this sense of control, with a gnawing sensation of feeling like I'm drowning - like my insides are being churned up and suppressed from showing something. As if waking myself up, I shook my head and took more awareness of my state. Tightening the towel covered around my body, I gave one last look to myself at the mirror before getting out, and changing into my pajamas.

As soon as my back hit the bed sitting down, with my laptop beside me, I decided to push through with the decision I've formed within myself earlier. I searched up Lizzy Sarmiento on the search engine.

I clicked on the Send a Message button as her profile finished loading.

Sadelle: Lizzy, can we meet tomorrow? I just have something I need to say to you.

Surprisingly, I saw the message go from Sent to Delivered. Then, after about a minute, I saw her typing a reply to me.

Lizzy: Okay. Let's meet tomorrow, around 8 A.M. My schedule is packed for tomorrow, so this is the best time I can come up with.

Sadelle: Alright, 8 A.M. then.

Lizzy: Let's meet up d'on sa Freedom Wall.

Sadelle: Okay.

The night is still young, but I have to wake up early for tomorrow. This means having to sleep earlier tonight. True to my word, I spent the remaining time watching a series, pausing to think about what will happen tomorrow, and then carrying on with the series before sleeping at half past ten.

Inevitable as it is, I found myself rising with the sun as I welcomed the next day waking up earlier than my usual waking time. I felt my stomach churning from all these inexplicable feelings I have inside me. It felt like wanting to stop time, but at the same time, wanting it to be over now. The sensation in my stomach made me wince as I prepared myself before going to the university.

Nothing was going astray from my usual routine and I did my activities pretty much the same time I planned for them to finish. Time, then, was proving to be my greatest associate. The movement of it, paired with my preparation, seemed like a perfect duo and I felt myself transitioning into a lighter feeling and expectant mindset of how my conversation with Lizzy will go as I got out of the jeepney.

"Oh, tara na," I heard the conductor from behind informing the jeepney driver before banging the rear section of the vehicle.

I started walking on the sidewalk to the university's entrance, holding my tote bag close to me, as I straightened my outfit from sitting inside the jeepney earlier. I wore a more comfortable outfit for today: white straight across top covered by a soft linen cream cardigan, black straight pants, and classic loafers.

As I continued walking, the wind's breeze hit my face and I felt its soothing air spread through my body. This is shaping to be an unusually balanced weather, the perfect spectrum of warmth and chill. The sun's rays are high up in the sky, but its glory wasn't scorching to the senses.

I turned right to go inside the university gate, open my bag for the security guard to check, nod at their morning greeting, pass the turnstile gate, and head forward on the walkway. Taking my phone out, I went to the messaging application and clicked on Lizzy's message profile.

Sadelle: I'm here at the university. Asan ka banda?

Lizzy Sarmiento is typing. . .

My steps became slower, and so I moved towards the side so I don't bump anyone walking behind or close to me. There was something different about the university's atmosphere, shaping to be some sort of excitement and a period of waiting. Students entering seemed energized at the start of the day, and looking forward for the main highlight of today. Well, to be fair, Intramurals is almost ending so everyone's excited for the final game results, the best players, and the competition later today. It's the familiar feeling of an exciting event not yet there, but you're already feeling its creeping existence in your system.

That's interesting. It's a manifestation of how when September comes, the countdown for Christmas starts. The feeling of wanting to listen to jolly, feel-good songs envelope people's systems and classic Christmas songs start being played in private households and public places.

Lizzy: Ok. Go straight ahead sa Freedom Wall na. I'll wait there.

When I read her message, I regained my earlier walking pace and headed for the direction of the Freedom Wall. I placed my phone inside my bag. Passing by the staircase behind the cafeteria, I walked up to the third floor before passing the ramp to the next building which was adjacent to the Freedom Wall.

There was a rectangular table on the side, with free chairs beside it. I saw Lizzy in front, her back facing me, as she sat on the built-in bench designed with the wall. There was no else here, but only the two of us.

"Lizzy," I uttered as I stopped a few meters behind her.

Her back straightened and she turned to my direction, a bit surprised by my presence behind her.

"Upo ka muna," she opened as she urged me to sit in the space next to her.

I did as she asked, but maintained enough space between the two of us - uncertain of what I'll say, or how I'll converse with her.

We were sitting close to one another, yet the space between us felt like we were on different paths of our lives now. Having been a little over two weeks since our argument, I don't understand how starting this conversation feels like the most impossible task ever created on Earth.

There's only one thing to do: open my mouth to speak.

Come on, Sadelle. I initiated for both of us to talk. I can't back down now. Besides, I'm already here. The backing down is cancelled by my appearance.

"Uh...what do you want to talk about?" Lizzy finally spoke, when she got tired of waiting for me to speak.

"I..." the words wouldn't come out of my mouth.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever practiced or constructed what I would say to her today, at this moment. Goodness. Do I even have anything to say? I mean, yes, I do. A lot, to be honest. My mind's a mess right now, different things and scenarios are all coming up in my brain right now.

Is this what superheroes who switch between multiple universes feel? Do they get overwhelmed by this, or do they just push-through the feeling and save the day?

Heaving a sigh, I got something from my bag and opened my notebook before leading to the page I tore and folded, planning to give it to her.

My hand, hesitant to move closer to her, as if being controlled by an evil antagonist, won ownership over my indecision as I handed the folded page to her.

Lizzy gave me a questioning look as she looked at the paper I'm holding, wondering if she should take it.

"That's...that's for you."

She nodded and took the page from me before opening it, then giving an interchanging look between me and the paper.

"Sang, did you..." her words were lost in the air as she wasn't able to continue her statement and I saw how her vision was fixated on the paper she's reading right now.

While she was still reading, I took the liberty of speaking so that I get the privilege of her not looking at me, making it easier for me to say what I've been meaning to say to her.

"Ling," I started before taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I hope you let me finish before answering. I'm sorry for not treating you like my best friend. I'm sorry for making you feel under-valued in our friendship, and making you question where you stand in my life. Kasalanan ko 'yon, at hindi ko na balak itanggi pa. I know I can't bring back the past years and change how I treated you, but I hope you allow me the chance to make it up for our friendship and show you how much I value you in my life..."

Lizzy's eyes remained fixated on the paper, but I know she heard and understood everything I just said.

Seconds passed without her answering and just looking at the paper. I remained looking at her, analyzing her expression. The problem was the expression she has right now was not giving me any answer or clue to what she might be feeling or thinking about my apology, or even the poem.

"Sang," Lizzy calling me with the nickname she made for me before made my heart beat louder, and that sensation was making my other senses less obvious and as if it was the only thing I could hear right now. "This is a lovely poem."

There was silence again, and then I saw her give a small smile before facing me again.

Her eyes looked moist, but they were mirroring affection at the same time. "Did you know..." she paused as her voice unexpectedly quivered. "whether you apologize to me or not, I've already forgiven you? Hinding-hindi ko naman kaya magalit sa'yo, Sang..."

That wasn't the reply I expected to hear from her. "Akala ko..." I don't even know what I was thinking, but hearing her say she never felt anger for me made me speechless.

"Hindi ako galit, Sang. Nasaktan ako. I don't hate you, and I can never do so. Kahit hindi tayo nag-uusap, sigurado pa rin akong kapag may narinig akong hindi maganda sa'yo, ipagtatanggol pa rin kita. You're my best friend, but I'm really hurt. I miss you, but everytime I think about you, I only remember feeling pain."

"Liz..." I found myself being unable to say anything, but something felt heavy inside of me.

The feeling of something eating my insides and squeezing all my organs seemed to happen all at the same time. I wanted to stop it, yet the root cause of these sensations were all unstoppable for me.

"I appreciate you even more for the apology, Sang. See," she chuckled in the middle of speaking. "This is what people don't see about you. Your kindness is a gem, and I'll always treasure it."

"Liz, again, I'm really sorry. I regret everything I did to you. I regret being a bad friend. I regret not caring for you enough. I regret that I was so self-centered in the past years. I still want to be your best friend. Babawi ako..." I pleaded like it was a prayer I've memorized since time immemorial.

Everything happening right now seemed like a flashback of our previous conversation, except that this time, things were falling in the right place. Everything felt just right about what was happening.

"Babawi ka," she repeated my statement, affirming it with me. "Pero hindi na sa akin, Sang. You will have your second round of friendship. You will find another best friend, and that person will be blessed to meet you. You are remarkable, Sadelle, and I hope you see that yourself. You can do a lot and more people deserve to know more of who you are."

My brows furrowed. The beauty of our friendship mending suddenly shattered in front of me and I looked into her eyes. "W-What? Ling, ano'ng ibig mo sabihin? Another...best friend?"

She nodded, still smiling at me. "Yes, Sang. Our friendship made me realize how I love you to the depths of the world, and don't worry, I still love you. However, now, I want to be crazily and wholly in love with myself."

"Please, Ling. I'm really sorry. Babawi ako. Please. I regret everything I did. If I'd only known, I would've changed much earlier to be a better friend of yours..." my tone was foreignly helpless as I panicked finding a solution for Lizzy to believe that I will be a better friend.

"Sang, regret doesn't come because you suddenly realized what you were supposed to do. It exists because you knew what to do, and still chose not to do anything about it."

I shook my head at her, not wanting to hear more of this conversation. I felt something forming inside my eyes, but refused to let them out.

"No, Ling. Please. Babawi talaga ako. I'll be a better best friend!"

"You already are, Sang," Lizzy replied, the grogginess in her voice came back. "But I'm not the right person for the role. You are already a better friend for realizing what you did wrong and genuinely apologizing for it. In order for me to be a better friend to you, I have to let our friendship go because I know staying in this friendship will not work for me anymore."

I gulped, feeling something painful in my throat as if I've eaten a bunch of toothpicks. My mouth wants to say more words, but words are leaving my mouth the moment I try to say something.

Then, Lizzy stood up, walked closer to me, and gave me back my paper before enveloping me in an embrace.

"This is not your fault, Sadelle. I also have my own shortcomings in our friendship. You didn't kill our friendship, we both let it reach a point of demise. I'll always care for you, but it's better for us to be out of each other's lives."

She let go of the embrace and bid me goodbye before I heard her footsteps walking away as they became more and more faint until I couldn't hear it anymore. I looked at the paper in my hand and read the poem's title.

My Best Friend, Lizzy

Sitting on the bench made me feel like there was no place better to be in than here. I wanted to glue myself and slowly decompose my body in this space and not let anyone know of my whereabouts and even forget that I once existed. I didn't want to accept anything that had just happened but it felt like a broken record repeatedly playing in my mind.

My eyes were stinging, and I immediately felt the need to look up, restricting a bodily response from happening. I cleared my throat and started thinking that I should leave this place - more specifically, this space.

Placing the paper inside my bag, I walked to the stairs I came from earlier. Moving down the second floor, I saw some students talking by the staircase on the way to the ground floor. I changed my route and went to the other staircase leading to another entrance going to the cafeteria and on my way there, I heard a familiar voice.

"Sadelle!"

I looked to my left and saw Yuan from the threshold of their college offices. He looked at me, wide-eyed, as he waved at me. He was wearing a university merch shirt and jersey shorts with his rubber shoes. With his backpack hoisted on his left arm, he walked closer to me.

"Buti nakita kita. Plano ko sana na mag-message sa'yo online, eh. Hindi pala ako pupuwede mamayang hapon, kaya sasabihin ko sana sa'yong wala muna tayong lesson ngayon. Kaso, nakita naman na kita...gusto mo ba turuan kita ngayon?"

This was what I needed. With everything that's just happened and my inability to make sense of things currently, I need to do something more manageable for me. I needed something that would occupy my mind.

"Yeah," I immediately heard myself answer.

Yuan nodded. "Sakto. Free time ko pa ngayon. Let's head to the Gazebo."

We walked to the gazebo but I purposefully let myself a few steps behind him. As he noticed it, he faced me sideways and let out a small laugh.

"Grabe. May dala-dala ba akong sakit? Maka-atras ka naman diyan," he stated, with a hint of amusement in his tone.

Failing to answer him, he just gave me a quick, side glance look before continuing to walk a few steps in front of me. When we reached the Gazebo, we saw that both spaces had students inside them.

Yuan faced me. "Ano, hanap tayo ibang space?"

Still not answering, I just gave him a short nod. My mind in a hay as I try to make sense of what Lizzy told me. Is it better for us to be out of each other's lives? She accepted my apology, but she doesn't want me to be part of her life anymore...

I should have apologized way sooner than I did. I should have done it the day after our fight. Perhaps, the poem was a bad idea. Maybe I should have done something else. I can still fix this, right?

"Sadelle?" my attention was stolen as I heard Yuan's questioning tone.

I looked at him and saw the latter at the edge of the cafeteria's entrance to the Gazebo, looking at me, expecting me to follow him.

Gaining consciousness of the situation, I walked closer to him and saw him observing my face.

"Okay ka lang?" he queried.

"Yeah, where will we go?" I answered as my gaze scanned the whole cafeteria.

He paused for a moment, still observing me before answering: "Do you want to stay here at the cafeteria?"

I felt myself shaking my head immediately. The image of being in an open space with my internal feelings right now is a disaster waiting to happen. I didn't want to feel exposed, much more now, considering the things going on in my mind.

"Okay. Hahanap ako ng ibang space. Sunod ka lang sa'kin," he answered and I followed him from behind as we walked to the opposite side of the cafeteria, and we stopped on the walkway near it as I saw him scanning the whole vicinity.

I felt the sun's rays hitting me as we stood on the walkway, not covered by the roof anymore. Instinctively, I raised my hand to cover my face from the rays of the sun but that didn't seem to work as it felt like this scorching heat had me as its victim. What was once a blissful warmth, now felt like a blazing pain.

I felt my face scrunching from the heat I was feeling and I was getting iffy while waiting behind Yuan and itching to do anything to remove this feeling of heat inside me but failing to do so no matter what I do.

Noticing my continuous movement of discomfort, Yuan faced me and was checking to see my expression. "Is something wrong, Sadelle?"

"It's the sun. Masyadong mainit," I answered, almost in a whisper, as I felt my voice getting hoarse.

The betrayal of my eyes, just like the deceitful glory of the sun, soon showed its evidence as I felt tears on my face. Yuan's eyes changed as he watched and walked closer to me, covering me a bit from the rays of the sun with his tall height.

"Bakit ka umiiyak?"

I shook my head at him, trying to send the message that this is nothing. "Wala, mainit lang kasi. Sobrang init..." my voice betrayed me at the end and I felt myself break into a wobble as more tears came out of my eyes.

I noticed Yuan looking in the direction of the sun, as he used his hand to cover his eyes from directly looking at it and positioning himself to fully cover me from its scorching heat. His back served as a shield from this beguiling figure of nature. Despite completely covering me from the sun, he also used his right hand, acting as another shield of mine from its rays.

"Mainit pa ba?" his voice was softer, and laced with a tone of uncertainty.

I raised my gaze a bit to look at him and instead of answering, I found myself nodding as my tears kept falling down my face.

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