° Anxiety is when the butterflies in your stomach turn into bees. °

Chapter 37

"You bastard!"

By the time my numb senses clink in, I see Darcy angrily pounding at Sky's chest and he just stands there taking it all in. I rush to her side and grab her arms, stopping her furious blows from raining on him.

"Darcy, stop!" I yell at her as she struggles against my grip, trying to hit Sky more.

"I knew you were no good from the very beginning!" She yells at him, red with anger. Then her glassy eyes turn to me, "Israel, what was he doing to you? Tell me."

"Nothing," I look at Sky and the expression on his face is once again, one that I haven't seen before. He looks so vulnerable like he's almost to cry. "He did nothing to me Darcy."

"Lies," Darcy shakes her head, refusing to believe me. Her icy blue eyes return to Sky again and she points. "I saw you. He had you against the wall and..."

"Nothing," I whimper out, my voice scratched and really low.

"Don't lie!" She screams at me and from her eyes I know she already knows what she saw but was somehow trying to fight it. Trying to shift her memory and blame Sky. I can let that happen and she already knew so, despite the pleading scary look in her eyes and the rocky heaviness on my chest, I tell her exactly what she doesn't want to hear.

"Fine Darcy, w-we-" my heart starts hammering so hard and my vision blurs a bit, blinking black and white. It's like the word is choking me with it's heaviness and I'm about to pass out.

"Israel-" Sky calls, voice small and warning.

My eyes flick to him and for a moment I don't feel anything but the warm fat tear that leaks out the pool in my eyes, rolling down my cheek in what seems to be slow motion. "W-we were kissing." My voice breaks and my eyes return to Darcy pale ones. "I kissed him."

Unlike every other thing that seems to be happening in a painful slow motion, Darcy pushing me away from her is fast and I feel it everywhere. I stumble back, hitting my foot on something and falling down to my butt and looking up at her with wide fearful eyes.

Darcy blinks like she didn't expect to push me that hard but the surprise vanishes from her face replaced with a look I couldn't decipher, brows narrowed and lips in a straight line. She point at me and opens her mouth but no word comes out. Eventually she forces out a, "No." And I watch with my heart on my throat as she clutches her gown up and runs off.

I think it's now, watching her run away that the full realization of what I have just revealed hit me like a sandstorm tearing through all my five senses. I pull my knees closer, the water works behind my eyes going free as my heart cries out for help.

"Israel," Sky comes closer, bending and placing his hand on me.

I recoil away from his touch, feeling like I don't deserve any comfort especially when life as I know it is about crumbling at my feet all because of my foolishness and... him. "D-don't to-touch me."

"Issy," he sounds pained. "It's going to be alright."

"Don't lie to me!" I scream, clearly shocking him as he backs away, his eyes wide at me. I scramble up to my feet. "Don't bloody lie to me."

Before Sky can get a word in, I sprint off going in the direction Darcy did. Maybe I can still salvage this, maybe just maybe I can do something to remedy the problem.

"Darcy!"

*

I don't go too far before I spot Darcy sitting on a bench on the field, her legs folded under her as she cries. I slowly walk up to her, cleaning my own tears off face as much as I can before I quietly sit on the far edge of the bench. Darcy doesn't need to look to know it's me and the only acknowledgement she does is turn around— away from me.

"Darce?" I cautiously call, the entire situation strange to me. Darcy and I never fight, I never let it come to that and she's all smiles with me. This Darcy is different, not the Darcy I've known all my life. When she doesn't answer, we settle to the silence of her muffled cries.

I don't know how many minutes pass but eventually she clears her throat, speaking but still not turning to acknowledge me. "Did he- did he make you do it?"

I shake my head before moving my lips to answer, "no."

"Is it some kind of dare? Experiment?"

"No."

Her voice shakes and it's then I notice I'm crying too. "Y-you wanted to do it? K-kiss him?"

I nod, covering my face with my hands. I thought I was past all this but the way she says it, the way she called him; it brought all the disgust back. "Yes."

"Why?"

"I-I-"

"I want to be alone, I already called my mum to pick me up."

My heart skips, "are you-"

"Going to tell everyone?" She wipes at her face. "Not yet."

I nod not really relived but- "thanks."

Then she gets up and leaves without saying another word. I curl up on the bench after she's long gone, different scenarios of how this night could have played out running through my head. Different scenarios of how my life could end running through my mind. The thought of Darcy hating me and slipping by telling someone running through my mind and scaring me numb.

I hear someone approaching and I don't bother moving. The near worst that could happen to me has already happened.

"Taylor?" I instantly recognize the voice as that of Lou but it doesn't affect me enough to move from my position. I just become more aware of his presence, the hairs on my neck standing. "Hey, Israel, are you okay?"

It takes me a while to answer but then I swallow and shake my head. "No."

"Um," I can literally hear the awkwardness from him. "Do you want something?"

"A time machine," I truthfully answer before I shake my head again. "Sorry... No."

"Should I call someone?"

"Who?"

"Your friend, Jamal?"

I think about it, grateful he didn't say my parents or Sky. "Yes, thank you."

"Sure," his feet starts padding away but then he stops and walks back. I hold my breath as I hear the rustling of clothes, wondering what he's doing but then a second later, his suit jacket gently falls over me, covering me from the cold. He silently walks away and I slowly exhale, folding myself more in the jacket, not even knowing I was cold before.

Two hundred and five seconds later Jamal comes running alone with my clothes, embracing me without any questions.

*

The following days turn out to be one of the worst in my life so far.

For starters, Sky disappears. That or he is waiting for me to reach out first before he shows, probably afraid that I'd lash out at him again. I don't blame him, even I won't show up but then I don't have the courage to call him or text him this time. The distance might be good now especially since my heart is always in my throat and I'm so so cautious.

Then there's Darcy that's still not talking to me. She barely looks at me when we walk past each other, she doesn't show up in the cafeteria anymore and the whole situation is keeping me at suspense. I'm always jumpy at home waiting for that moment when the phone would ring— call from the Pickett's or a car would drive into the driveway— the priest and the Pickett's or that moment when my mum would scream my name and I'd come down to be welcomed with a slap.

My anxiety triples up and my insomnia comes to it's peak, leaving me to pop three to four sleeping pills every night. I even run out of the pills Darcy gave me and then I search my parents bathroom, knowing my dad once mentioned something about having trouble sleeping; I find a similar bottle and I steal it. Which only serves at more food to my anxiousness because then they can notice it missing and start asking questions I am not ready to answer.

"Hey man," Jamal greets, slapping a hand over my shoulder and making me jump as I turn eye wide to him. He shakes his head, "Issy chillax for God's sake."

I sigh, sagging against my locker. "I might not know how anymore."

"Did you ever?" He shakes his head again. "And you look dead. Are you even sleeping at all? All this worrying ain't healthy bruv."

"I'm fine," I lie and just then Darcy walks by, hugging two textbooks to her chest. She doesn't look our way but our eyes follow her until she turns and starts ascending the stairs.

"Damn bruv," Jamal sighs looking away and running his hand over his face. "I actually started to get comfortable around her, you know?"

I look at him, noticing the lines on his forehead, "You like her." It isn't a question.

He doesn't bother hiding it, "I was starting to, you know looking past all that, that. She's really pretty and her controlling attitude is kind of cute and then when she actually lets herself smile..." He trails off, sighing and for the first time since the dance, I almost smile. "Well now that's all gone, can you believe that?" He straightens up and adds. "You sure you don't want us to get rid of her? I know a guy who can take her out in the snap of your finger and she'd go along with your problems."

I shake my head, "Shut up Mal. We can't kill Darcy."

"Why not? Not many people would miss her and you'd be back. I miss you bro."

I sling my hand over his shoulder, directing us to walk to our class. "No killing mister."

"Well, if we aren't getting rid of her, then call him."

We walk in silence until we enter the class. "I can't."

Halfway through the class, my phone vibrates with a text. Checking to see that the teacher isn't looking my way, I bring out my phone. It's really a text and from an unexpected person. Five pm, Cream and Karim — it's from Darcy and I just gulp, I have been waiting for this kind of message since forever. I can only get relived or more worse from the meeting. I don't bother telling Mal because I know he's just going to try and stop me or follow me.

As soon as school is over, I rush over to my car and head over there as fast I can. Cream and Karim just happens to be a coffee and tea shop that I have only entered like once and it's a popular shop around. It didn't seem like there were a lot of people in there now and I didn't know whether or not to be grateful about that. I wonder what Darcy is going to say to me, would she understand or is this some kind of set up. Maybe I should have brought Jamal after all.

I spend about fifteen minutes in my car letting my nerves mess with me before I eventually get the courage to leave the car, my hand all clammy from sweat. I leave my coat in the car even though outside is super cold and when I push open the door of the shop, the little bell on top startles me.

Calm down Israel...

After taking in a deep breath, I search the shop and find Darcy sitting at the back seat, her hair braided and palms wrapped around a mug. My steps are slow and calculated—twelve steps and I'm standing in front her, gulping down air. "Hey."

She looks up, a lock of blond hair falling over her eyes. She looks me over with a stern straight face and shakes her head, "you look like a mess."

I shrug, pulling out a seat. "Don't I always."

"An ugly mess," she corrects and I just shrug again. "What do you want? The hot chocolate here is to die for."

"Water," is what I say and she looks at me for a moment before shrugging and getting up to her feet. I take the time in her absence to look around the shop, compared to outside it's really warm and the decor is quite nice. It's homely with a touch of posh. The tables all have beautiful coverings over them with different design and there's a tiny tall flower vase of different colours at the centres. Then all the chairs upholstery are beige.

Apart from Darcy and I, there are four other people here. Two teenagers looking cosy like couples and painfully reminding me of Sky and I, except they are right for each other according to society— male and female. Then an old lady biting into a muffin while looking at her phone and a guy with a book over his face. Doesn't seem like a set up, yet.

"I brought shortcake too," Darcy announces, dropping the plate and a glass of water before me. "We could share."

I nod, "thanks."

An uncomfortable silence rests between us and I just look into my glass of water, while Darcy stares at the cake. It takes a while but then she moves her head to the side, biting on a fingernail. "I don't understand a thing Israel."

I sigh but I don't say anything. I don't have anything to say.

"Why would you kiss him?" She asks slowly and like a whisper.

I look at the water, catching quarter of my reflection in it. "Because I wanted to."

"But you're not like that."

"Like what?" I look up, meeting her blue curious, confused eyes. "What?"

She falters, gesturing out with her hand. "That... Kissing boys."

I shrug, "you don't know me."

"I do."

I shake my head, feeling tears gather up. "No, you don't."

"I know you. We go to church everyday, I've known you forever. You're- you're good."

I bite on my lip, "I'm still good." And I'm saying that to both her and myself.

"Tell me, did he make you?" She pleads.

"No, I-I like him," I swallow. "I wanted to."

"It doesn't make any sense, you're not like that."

Something in me snaps hearing that again. "You don't know what I'm like, Darce!" My voice raises and I'm barely aware of it. "I'm like that!"

Darcy glares, then looks around. "It's a sin," she sneers, her eyes becoming glassy. "Against God and the church."

I slap my hand on the table, not raising my voice this time. "Fine then, I'm a sinner."

"Israel-"

"Darcy." I pull at my hair. "I swear I tried. I tried to be different but I couldn't help it, I don't like you- girls like I'm supposed to."

We stay silent for another moment before she speaks again, "I researched it all... saw a site about a cure camp or something."

My eyes widen and I look up at her, "Darcy that's all lies and those things don't work and I'm sure it'll hurt like hell."

"What if there's no other way around it?"

"Can't you live with me like this?" I ask, pleaded. "Can't we still be as we are, I'm the same."

"Well," she tucks a loose lock of her hair behind her ear, pulling on a serious face. "I think you should leave him. Avoid him for now, maybe think about all this more carefully."

"What?"

"It's for the best Israel, you can't possibly-"

"No," I cut her off and her face shows she wasn't expecting that at all. "No, Darcy."

"But Israel, hell..."

I grab her hand, "let me worry about that."

She hold me back and bends her head. I only know she's crying when I see the tear drops hit the table. "I care about you Israel-"

"And I about you."

She sighs, taking her hand back and wiping her face. "You're sure that's what you want? This life? Him?"

I nod and she does to. "Doesn't mean I'm denouncing the church or anything."

She grabs her bag, "I- I would pray for you. Everyday."

"And please don't tell anyone yet,"  I avoid her eyes. "I don't think-"

"I know."

"Thanks," I swallow. "Are we friends again?"

She shrugs getting up, "we'll see."

I'm guessing that's probably going to be depending on what God says. I watch her leave, the hell jingling as she leaves and I rub the tears away from my eyes and drop my head down on the table with a sigh.

How exhausting.

Bringing out my phone, I open a picture of Sky and stare at it. Sighing and reading through all our text, then smiling.

Hi

I quickly send out the text, then followed by another.

I'm sorry.

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