Just over three weeks had passed since JJ had left. Niall had to leave the day after they found her letter. It was almost Christmas. Amanda was just struggling to go on normally. No one had heard from JJ and Amanda still wasn't sure where Harry's head was. She had just arrived home from work and was going through mail from the day before, when she heard a key in the lock. She turned around to see JJ walking in the door with her bag. She dropped the mail and ran up and hugged JJ so tight. "Oh, my god, I was so worried.  I'm so glad you're ok!"

Julie saw Amanda rush up to her and dropped her bag when she started to wrap her arms around her. "I'm ok. I'm sorry."

"I'm so mad at you!" Amanda said pulling back from her. "You should have told me! I should not have found out from a letter you left!"

"I know. I'm sorry. I was in a bad way. I couldn't get my head right." Julie told her. "I didn't know what to do. So, I did the only thing I knew."

"Have you talked to Harry?" Amanda asked.

"No, I tried calling him last night but he didn't answer. He hasn't called me back. I can only imagine how angry he is at me. I don't blame him. I don't know if he'll forgive me. That may be my one true regret in this." Julie said. Her voice broke with some emotion. But she tried to hold it together.

"Where did you go for three weeks, JJ?" Amanda asked trying to hold back her own tears.

Julie's phone rang. She looked at the caller ID. It was Harry. "Panda I will talk to you. But I have to answer this. It's Harry." She said pressing the answer button. "Hi, Harry." She said as she walked towards her room.

Amanda watched her. She looked different. She looked tired, worn out. But somehow less stressed. Somehow less tense. She couldn't wait to find out the details. She needed to call Niall. Tell him at least JJ was safe.

"Hi." Harry said. He debated all night whether or not to call her back. He didn't sleep at all. He fought with himself because of how angry he was she just disappeared. He decided he couldn't just leave it the way it was. There needed to be a decision either way, about whether or not he still wanted a relationship, or even if she wanted one. Now that he called though, he didn't know what to say.

"How are you, Harry?" Julie asked quietly. She knew he would be angry. She knew it would be hard.

"I've been better. Seems my girlfriend decided to leave me without telling me, or even where she was going. Haven't heard from her in three weeks. Well at least she was my girlfriend the day she left." He said. His voice breaking. He cleared his throat. "Not sure anymore."

"I'm sorry." Julie said trying, but failing, to stop her tears. "At the time, I didn't know what to do. I need to talk to you, Harry."

"You are talking to me." He said a bit shortly.

"I mean in person." She said.

"You had that chance. Three weeks ago." Harry said angrily.

Julie took a deep breath. She hurt him. She knew she did. "I know. Harry, I did what I thought I needed too. I did what I knew. I pulled away. I ran. I was scared. I had to remember every detail of my past. I pushed away the feelings and the hurt. I turned my heart off. I had too. I felt like I was dying."

"You could have come to me!" He said into the phone gruffly. "You could have talked to me about it! You could have trusted me! Instead you ran off to who knows where and did who knows what! I didn't know for three weeks if you were even ok! That is NOT ok Julie!"

"I know." Julie said quietly. She had to take a minute. The tears were flowing now. "I was scared when you wanted me to talk to someone else. When it felt like you were giving up on me, and trying to pass me off onto someone else."

"I did NOT do THAT!" He screamed into the phone. "I wanted you to get help but I wanted to be there while you did it!!"

"You were leaving the next day." Julie said. "I know you had too, I know it wasn't your choice. I just couldn't see it then. I thought you were pushing me off, and onto someone else, and walking away. I'm not saying it's right. Not a lot I think is right. But it's what I was thinking. My anxiety, my fear, my feeling of worthlessness. Harry, I was wrong but it's how I felt. I've learned to own that. I'm not asking you to forgive me. You can choose after this phone call if you want any more to do with me. I just want a chance to explain. Please?"

"No one's stopping you." Harry said closing his eyes. He shook his head. He was being mean. He knew it. He couldn't help it though. She hurt him. She hurt him more than he knew she could. "So, tell me, your little self-discovery, that you just HAD to do on your own. What did you find out? Am I worth your precious time?"

Ouch. Julie thought. That hurt. She licked her lips and closed her eyes. She couldn't get angry. She had to fight the hurt. She did this. She had to fix it. "I didn't do it alone, Harry. A couple of days after I left, I realized I was drowning. I was drowning myself. And I couldn't save myself. I couldn't let anyone else save me, because I didn't believe I deserved to be saved. But I also realized that I had more in my present, than I ever had in my past. I realized that there may be a rainbow at the end of my journey. You, Harry. And Panda and Niall. And others, but not like you. I went through work and got in touch with a therapist who specialized in PTSD and abuse. Work gave me a 45 day leave to deal with everything. The catch, was in order for this therapist to help me, I needed to make a decision right then. I needed to go into a center for three weeks and work on myself. That meant no contact with anyone. They took my phone. I had to decide to save myself. They didn't want me to fall back on anyone else. I figured the only way to stop hurting the people I loved, was to stop hurting myself. The only thing that made the decision hard was knowing how much it was going to hurt you. But I had to do it. I couldn't keep only surviving. I had to live. I had to live outside of you. Outside of my safety of you. I had to believe in myself. And I still struggle with it every day. But for the first time, I see Johnny as only a part of my past, not my entire life. Every day, every little thing, every thought, every action, used to revolve around him. I'm going to struggle with this the rest of my life, Harry. I can't run from it. I can't pretend it didn't happen. I have to face it head on and it scares me more than anything. I am truly sorry that I didn't tell you before I left. I should have."

He listened to her carefully. He heard everything she said. She got help. It's what he wanted. Why was he still feeling so conflicted? Part of him wanted to comfort her. He was proud of her for admitting she needed help and getting it. But she could have done it differently. He was still hurt. So very hurt. "I'm glad you got help. I am. You shouldn't have had to push me away and run away from me to do it." He said trying to stay unemotional.

"I know. Now. Too late." She said. She wiped her eyes. "I love you. And maybe you don't want to hear that or believe that right now. But I want to say it. I will give you time. I want you. I need you. Please know that. But I don't blame you for giving up if that's what you choose. I do hope I hear from you, Harry. I do hope I didn't ruin us by figuring out me. Please take care of yourself. Please try to enjoy your holidays. I hope to talk to you soon."

"Yeah, I don't know." He said. "Thanks for explaining. Take care of yourself Julie." He hung up the phone. He dropped it and put his head in his hands. He was hurt, but he was also proud of her. He was angry, but he also loved her. He needed time. He had to decide if he wanted to take the chance of her leaving again. She was honest though. He was going to take some time but he was pretty sure he already knew his decision.

Julie took a minute to gather herself. She had to talk to Panda yet. She knew she had to show her emotions and let them out and she was so sad. But she owed it to Panda also to explain. She walked out to her bag and brought it back to her room. She saw Panda on the phone. She was guessing it was to Niall. She quietly asked she could talk to her. She put her bag in her room and then walked back out.

"Alright babe, I will call you later, I promise." Amanda said into the phone. "I love you too. I will, don't worry." She hung up and looked at JJ. "Niall said welcome back and he's glad you're ok and he still hates you."

Julie nodded. "I'm sorry, Panda. For all of this."

"How'd your talk with Harry go?" Amanda asked her.

Julie shrugged. "I'm not real sure. I explained, it's up to him now. I know I messed up the way I did things. But I had too. For me. For my future. Because for the first time in forever I cared if I had one. Maybe not the first couple of days I left but soon after. I went through work and got sent to a PTSD/Abuse treatment center. They made me decide right away if I wanted to do it and go right away. They took my phone and said the only one I could count on for 3 weeks was myself. It was drastic and scary. But I did it. I needed to live. I was surviving. I wasn't living. I was surviving through the safety of you and Harry and Niall. I had to live for myself. I had to believe I deserved to have a future. I still struggle everyday Panda. I'm scared. And now I'm petrified I have to do it without the only people who fought for me. That now that I've finally figured this all out; that I lose." She started to cry.

"Not me, JJ." Amanda hugged her tightly. "I'm still upset you did things the way you did, but I'm glad you're back. I'm glad you got help. I'm glad you decided you deserve to have a future." She cried along with her. "I believe in Harry. He will come around. Just give him time. We were all shocked and hurt when you left. But in the end, he wants what's best for you."

"I know." Julie sat up and wiped her eyes. "But I love him. I want to love him. I just wish I could have figured this out differently, or that I left differently. I just couldn't figure it all out trying to work out everyone else's feelings. And I was angry at first; everyone just wanted to send me away to someone else. Like they didn't want to deal with me anymore. I thought I was getting through it."

"JJ." Amanda said taking her hands. "We weren't giving up on you. We wanted you to get additional help. We weren't going to stop helping you." Amanda said. She was shocked again when she heard that.

"But I didn't think I deserved that help." Julie got up. "Look I know it's not rational. I know it's all in my head. It's the most difficult thing to work through. But I had no self-worth. I never felt worthy of help and understanding. I'm still struggling with admitting it, but I'm trying. I've learned that I have to give it to myself first. It should be easy, but it's not. It's the hardest thing ever. Work gave me 45 days. I figured since the apartment is paid for right now I should do it."

Amanda stood up and hugged her again. "Don't worry about that, I'm here for you. Take whatever you need, just please give me my friend back. If it helped you. I forgive you, and I understand. I love you. All I ever wanted was the best for you."

Julie nodded and closed her eyes when Amanda hugged her. "I need you, Panda." She whispered. "More than you know."

Amanda lost it. It's the first time she felt like JJ actually meant it when she said it. She hoped Harry was able to work through his hurt and his doubts. She hoped JJ finally would get a real chance to be happy with him, without all of her fears and doubts getting in the way. She rubbed JJ's back. "I need you too, JJ. I'm not going anywhere." She felt JJ break down. She felt her knees give out and she sunk back onto the couch with her. She held her and let her cry. She had never seen her cry so hard. Maybe she was finally getting past all her demons. Doesn't matter what it took to get her there. She was going to be there for her.

*if you are enjoying the story please vote/comment/share. I would love to be able to respond.

*the story is complete fan fiction