la douleur exquise
(n.) the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone unattainable

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CASSIDY

I slowly walk behind Logan as he leads the way through the stairs. The sun is shining bright and happy, and my heart is wild all over again. There may not be school, but there are always teachers and summer classes.

Once we enter the double set of doors, I see blue lockers line the walls and loads of posters related to books.

"I don't get how this differs from River Valley High," I tell Logan, looking around as we walk up the stairs to the numerous classrooms.

"Yeah, doesn't look much, but a lot of our homework always has something to do with books and writing," he says.

Logan tells me all about the classrooms, and where the senior high rooms are. Good thing I know so I won't look like a fool on the first day of class. We pass the computer lab, science lab, basketball court, swimming pool, and a hundred of other confusing chambers in this humongous place of a school. But despite the lengthy distances we travel, I am not resisting the urge to collapse in tiredness. It's resisting to crumble into pieces and let Logan see how freakin' crazy I might act at his cuteness.

"Well, I guess that there's only one place left and I'm sure you'll --" Logan stops walking, and I bump into an old woman with gray curly hair and a pale green dress paired with the same colored high heels. She eyes us quizzically.

"Ahh, Mr. Chase, what brings you to school today? With a girl, I see," she says with a whispered yet squeaky voice.

"Er, this is Cassidy French, Principal Bertha. She's studying here for twelfth grade." Logan says, as creeped out as I am. Principal Bertha looks at me from head to toe with her emerald eyes and I'm suddenly conscious about me wearing shorts and my legs uncovered. I force a smile and try looking at her, but she only winks and pats me on the shoulder as she silently walks away like air.

"She's the principal?" I ask.

"No, she's a loony old witch that takes care of toads," I stifle a shaky laugh.

"She's creepy! Did you even see her eyes?"

"Get used to it, princess, she's the isn't the typical grandma that'll bake you cookies and give you presents," he replies.

"Stop it with the nicknames," I whine, shaking his arm.

"But Princess Cinderella, your shoe might fall once more and you took longer than twelve!" he teases, while poking me on the waist like what he did to me at the mall the other day. A giggle escapes my mouth as I grasp to push away his hands, but I'm too damn small.

"Cass, you're so ticklish," he says, making me laugh harder and my stomach eventually becoming painful and me having a problem to breathe.

"Stop it, stop it!" I beg, my eyes closed.

But once Logan's hands are gone and I'm still laughing, I hand't noticed him open a door push me into an awfully quiet place as a lady warns me to shut up.

This is so unreal. It's like the beast's gift to Belle is all in front of me. The world around me disappears and I find myself looking around the vast library. Three floors of pure books, all waiting to be read.

I look at Logan behind me to see that he's still chuckling at my stupidity. Ignoring him, I get lost in the shelves of books. The first floor is filled with textbooks and complicated subjects, so I run upstairs to where more books are waiting, but they're all full of computers, tables, and chairs.

I run off upstairs swiftly and smile. Finally, home.

The first shelf that meets my eyes is the Harry Potter series and I skip along the corridors full of young adult books and fictional stories. I shudder as a pale green dress catches my vision, and a small body brushes my shoulder going down after smiling with her emerald eyes.

How did Principal Bertha get here so fast?

It's not long before I see a girl my size, her hair braided like mine except she's wearing a black sweater and white shorts. She's a bit pretty, and her icy blue eyes are as friendly as can be.

"Oh hey, I see that you've met my grandma," she says, taking a step close to me.

"Your grandma? Principal Bertha?" I ask, wondering how this person could be in any way related to that woman.

"Yeah, I get that she's creepy, everyone thinks the same and sometimes she can look mean," the girl replies with a laugh and I manage a chuckle myself.

"So. . . are you that new girl Cassidy?" she asks, now in a serious tone.

"Mm-hmm. I came from River Valley High School, and my mom's decided to transfer me," I reply, now matching her tone.

"Oh. Well, I'm Fall Hilton by the way, I'm in twelfth grade too this year," she says, returning her sweet smile. Heck, she's Fall Hilton. I need not say more; from all the years of stalking Logan, I know enough to say that she tags Logan on posts a lot. Yes, she does that publicly that I can see what she does on Facebook depsite us not being friends.

"Nice to meet you, Fall." I reply as kind as can be.

Relax Cassidy, who cares if she could totally be Logan's girlfriend.

"Hey Cinderella, you've been --" Logan stares at us in amusement as he reaches our spot and sees Fall.

After a split second of drained color and looking flushed at the call of Cinderella, Fall runs to Logan and wraps her arms around him. With Fall right here, Logan will not throw me off guard and I can easily smile sincerely without frowning. Scorpio forevs.

"Logan! Hey, you're here! You weren't at the after party last week!" she coos, taking a quick glace at me before turning back to Logan. She doesn't seem satisfied that I am unaffected.

"Hey Fall, I. . . see that you've met Cassidy," he mumbles.

"Yeah! She's this new kid studying at Meadows High this year. So, how do you know her and who is Cinderella?" she asks harmlessly.

"Fall, Cassidy was a classmate of Gavin and mine back then when we were three. We somehow met each other and her mom's suddenly decided to let her study here. Seems crazy, huh?" Logan replies with a laugh. Fall takes a long time to reply, and suddenly all the sugar and sunshine in her voice is replaced by bitterness. And. . . Gavin was also my classmate back then?

"Ohhh! Can't believe that you still remember dumb childhood memories," she replies, rolling her blue eyes.

"She's teacher Julia's daughter. Don't you remember all those stuff mom told you when you volunteered to help out at our school?" he says. Fall manages a giggle and doesn't reply.

"Anyways, I'm touring Cass. See you around," Logan says.

"Sure!" Fall turns her back and looks at me as I smile sweetly and wave my hands.

"See you on the first day, Cassidy," she says roughly, but making sure to lighten her voice a little.

"Great. I think we'll be amazing friends," I say. I can't help but smile at how jealous she can be when she totally knows Logan more than me and has spent so much time with him. If anything at all, a typical story would have me being envious, but instead I'm laughing.

Fall quickly goes down the steps without a word and I ignore Logan once again by falling into the trail of books. I shudder when he touches my shoulder as I'm once again lost in a world of pages and words.

"Well, someone is distracted," Logan says.
"Whatever. Fall so nice, is she your girlfriend?" I ask, brushing my hands through the book spines to hide an unhappy face.

Why do I ask questions I already know the answers to?

"A friend that's a girl, yes," he replies. What? So it means they aren't a couple? Then why was Fall so jealous? God, she likes Logan.
"Oh, you looked like a couple together, it's kinda cute," I say quietly, facing him to avoid any suspicions.

Even in the dark with the lights I can feel the clear blue eyes boring into mine and as much as I try smiling, my lips just straighten and I've fallen once again right in front of him. He knows I'm not acting normal.

"Nah, I don't like Fall. I've been her friend since I was eight, and even though she's kinda pretty, I've never had a crush on her," he says.

"Really? She's. . . beautiful. Don't tell anyone, but I kind of have this crush on my classmate when I was little. He doesn't know, but he is so cute," I say dreamily. It's fun that he doesn't have a clue of who I'm talking about. I'm not being too obvious that it's him, especially after pretending to ship him and Fall.

Did I just catch Logan Chase's expressions darken after what I said?

"Oh. So he doesn't know, huh?" he asks flatly.

"No, he doesn't have a clue! But seriously, he is so cute and call me weird, but I stalk on him regularly," I reply, which makes him near to throwing up. Is he worried about me?

Or is this jealousy?

Nope, that's utterly impossible. He'll eventually love the perfect Fall Hilton.

"What's his name?" he asks innocently, trying to smile.

"It's a secret! You might tell him!" I say, as he's suddenly so close to me that it feels like his eyes are the only thing I can notice in the darkness as we're already in the corner of the library. I feel a few books topple down as I lean into them.

Even if I don't mask my real expressions, nothing can beat the fact that he knows I have a crush and he doesn't have the slightest clue that it's him.

"Ugh fine, I'll give you a hint." I say as he comes nearer to me like distance isn't a thing. I don't flinch though, I can only stare into his eyes and try to get a sense of reality.

"His name. . . has vowels," I tell him dramatically then cracking into an endless laugh and closing my eyes.

"Ha ha ha, princess," he says. By the time my eyes are opened, he's still in front of me, maybe even closer. Or maybe I'm just getting paranoid because this is real and isn't in my head.

"You've gotten over him already?" he asks, which makes my heart freeze.

"What? Gotten over who?" I ask, ears perking up.

"You have an ex right? You can't move on because you still dream of him," he says, and then takes a step back, realizing he's done something wrong.

"Logan, how do you know that?" I demand harshly. I hate love, I haven't had a boyfriend in my whole life!

"Er. . . I might've opened your iPad and read some of your notes," he says, as my eyes water up. So he did open it. What were the chances? How is this possibly happening?!

"What? How did you know the passcode?!" I ask.

"I. . . I just guessed and it was somehow my birthday," he replies, backing away from me. It takes me a second to relax.

"How much did you read?" I command fiercely.

"Um. . . an unsent letter and a dream that you had of him," he says, as I shut my eyes and sink to the floor.

"Do. . . do you know who I was talking about in those?" I say.

In that short millisecond, nothing but pity enters my mind. He might see that I have a crush on him and that's the only reason of him being nice, or worse, he might see me as something broken that he only has to repair.

"No Cassidy, I don't have a clue," he replies, and I know he isn't lying by his looks. I'm still safe.

"Sorry," he says, gently rubbing my shoulder.

"Never mind that," I say, flushing my eyes to stop the tears. I'll look weak; I don't want that even though I believe crying isn't bad. His opinion could differ.

It takes a short moment of me silently trying to calm myself down, and I'm beyond surprised that Logan's right beside me with a sympathetic look. Suddenly, I feel like I'm twelve and all this is just a dream and it's all too stupid to say that it's real.

"Logan, all that stuff I wrote wasn't about my ex. It's just. . . hard to explain," I squeak, not wanting to use the word complicated. He looks at me and flashes a cute smirk.

"Come on," he says, pulling me up and leading me back.

We reach the first floor of the library and exit. Going through a series of halls and corridors in Meadows High, we stop in front of a classroom in the very corner. He opens a small gate. The sky is the roof, and this is a deserted place full of old, worn-out chairs and desks of past school years.

"Logan, what --"
"Shhh, be quiet, any of the janitors could be here,"

There's a flight of a few more stairs and fences we crawl down through, but we're still inside the school and as good as can be. Sunlight is finally clear as Logan takes my small hand and my eyes gasp in complete shock.

Hidden inside the very grounds of the school is a garden with flowers and plants of every color. Butterflies and birds fly happily in ever corner, and a silver fountain with blue water in the center. Furry creatures run towards me, and I squeal at the sight of fuzzy bunnies.

"Oh my god, hey there little cuties!" I say, crouching down as I pet their backs. I look around the garden and walk around the plants as though I'm in a castle.

"Doesn't anyone know about this?" I ask.

"It was a project we had in seventh grade, but everyone forgot about it and Dylan, Gavin, and I decided to work on it one time when Dylan forced us to cut classes. Not even the teachers know because no windows are able to view this area,"

"And the bunnies?"

"I dunno, they somehow popped up here one day," he says, taking a seat on the grass as he plays with the rabbits.

"And the thing about Gavin. . . what were you saying to Fall awhile ago?" I ask.

"Gavin? Don't you know that we three were classmates back in the past?" he asks. Gavin. . . at that instant, I remember his name like magic, Gavin Blaine! I've heard mom mutter a few things about him whenever we'd take a walk down memory lane.

"Was he the one with brown eyes staring at me last Friday?"

"Yeah, that's the idiot."

I take a seat next to him and pet the tiny creatures. Maybe transferring won't be that bad after all.

My phone rings in my bag playing a tune of Sit Still Look Pretty by Daya, and I bring it out to see Alaine's name. I answer it and bring the phone to my ear.

"CASSIDY!!!" she yells.

"Alaine, what is it now? Stop shouting!" I shriek, so she'd have a taste of her own medicine.

"Ugh that hurt, Cass! Anyways, you're transferring to Meadows High, right?"

"Yes, I'm here right now,"

"You're there? Didn't know your mom was absent at work,"

"I'm not with mom, Alaine,"

"Your dad?"

"No! I'm with --"

"Don't worry! I'll be there in five seconds, just give me time to change! You don't have to go through changes alone, and I'm more than willing to --"

"Alaine I'm with Logan! Chill out, okay!"

"Logan? That boy you were with at the mall,"

"What do you think?" I roll my eyes.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!! CASSIDY, I do not know what to say! It's love, it's love, it's love!"

"Alaine, shut up! Why did you call anyways, I'm playing with cute bunnies,"

"Oh, well I just need to tell you that I'm studying there too! I told mom about it and thankfully she allowed me!" she chirps happily. Now it's my turn to yell and smile in pure merriness.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!! Seriously?!" I ask as my heart pounds of excitement.
"Yes!!!! No way I'm going to be separated from my best friend on the last year of high school!" she says.

"Omg, yay!" I can't do anything buy be happy about the news. Alaine's going to be by my side, things might be so much better.

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Bonjour!!! Finally, you've met Fall Hilton. I don't need to explain this more. The next chapter is another Logan Cassidy moment, but I don't think you'll be very happy with chapter nine.

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