#WIAE Chapter 21

I held my breath. I clenched my fist. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Best friend? He was best friends with Oli? Bakit hindi ko alam? Bakit hindi niya sinabi? He knew me even from before? Kaya ba parang kilala niya na ako dati pa, dahil sa kapatid ko? I had all these questions inside my head, but I couldn't verbalize any. My chest was tightening.

Night looked at me.

"Why are you telling me these?" I said, my voice barely audible.

"So you'd stop avoiding him."

"Who? Avo?" I asked.

He nodded.

"He's the answer to your questions, Estrella."

I pursed my lips.

"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer," he said, gazing straight into my eyes.

I stared back. He should know that I was not about to back down. Lalo na ngayon na mas marami akong nalalaman tungkol sa nakaraan. I didn't even know how my brother died... I wasn't given any details. Basta isang araw, sinabi sa akin na patay na siya... And then no more questions were asked. Because that was how I was supposed to live. Without questioning what's already given... but instead, to make it even.

And they said that Oli's death had already been paid... pero bakit may gumugulo pa rin sa isipan ko? Something didn't add up.

"Are you saying that Avo's the enemy?"

Night smiled.

"Who knows?"

"Are you messing with my head?" I hissed.

"Am I important to you that I get to mess with your head?"

Mas lalo lang kumuyom ang kamao ko dahil sa sinabi niya. He was still the bastard I knew. Hindi ko pa rin siya kayang pagkatiwalaan. I should always be aware of Night and his intentions.

"If you're done eating, you can leave," sabi ko at saka tumayo para pumunta sa walk-in closet. I decided to dispose half of the things I owned. I wanted to go out and buy things for myself, but somewhere inside me, I was still apprehending. Hindi ko alam kung kailan dadating iyong panahon na makakalabas na ako ng hindi kumakabog iyong dibdib ko. I couldn't live with this fear inside me. I wouldn't function if every time I close my eyes, the scenes would keep on flashing back.

I was concentrating on arranging my things when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I almost jumped out of my skin. I turned and saw Night's bewildered expression. By now, I was sure that he was already real suspicious. Sinusubukan ko naman na maging normal, na umakto ng normal... but it was harder than it sounded.

"What?" I asked him, in order to hide the erratic beating of my heart. He said it so himself. I needed not to be strong... I just needed to look strong. And I would use every fiber left in my body to hide the fact that I was weak. That every night, when I close my eyes, I could still remember everything. There was no way out. There was nothing for me to do but to live with it... And until I could accept that, I would have to pretend that nothing was wrong... when in fact, everything else was.

"Oli's old room is the one beside Avo's."

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

"Why?"

"Why?" he reiterated.

"Why... are you doing this?"

He smiled, but his smile was everything but innocent.

"I'm messing with your head."

--

What Night said bothered me. I had thought about it a countless of times. What did he have to gain by messing with my head? Was it just entertainment for him? Masaya ba na nakikita na mas naguguluhan ako dahil sa mga sinasabi niya? Hindi ko talaga siya maintindihan. And the more I tried to understand him, the more bizarre he just gets.

It was already past 7 when my stomach grumbled again. Buong araw ay Nutella lamang ang laman ng tiyan ko. I already felt nauseated from the hunger, and I just couldn't stand it anymore. Nagdesisyon ako na lumabas at bumaba. I'd rather have my day destroyed by Ella than to starve myself again.

Pagbaba ko, agad ko silang nakita. They were complete. What a sight.

Agad kong nakita si Ella na napairap nung makita ako. Si Lorenzo, walang pakielam—he was engrossed with whatever he was reading. Fuji was glaring at me... And Avo was staring at me. Even from a distance, I could feel the words he wanted to say to me. Words he couldn't say because even before he begins, I already take a step away from him.

And Night? Oh, he was enjoying this. I could see from the smug smile on his face.

Pumunta ako sa bakanteng upuan. There was no plate prepared for me.

"You must feel how unwelcome you are, right?" Ella said.

"If I managed to throw you out of your own room, what makes you think that I couldn't get a fúcking plate?"

How would I manage to stay in this godforsaken place for the rest of the school year? How would I restrain myself from strangling Ella? Kasi kahit na pinagpapasensyahan ko siya dati, naubos na 'yun. I wanted to break that pretty neck of hers.

"Can we have another plate here?" biglang sabi ni Lorenzo. Ibinaba niya iyong libro. "Can we just eat in silence? For a change?"

Ella gritted her teeth, and I smiled in victory.

"Thank you, Lorenzo," I told him and smiled.

The food were served and I ate in peace. If Ella wouldn't mess with me, I wouldn't shot back at her. She's the one who kept on bothering me. My attention wasn't even on her. It was on Avo. Kanina ko pa napapansin na tinitignan niya ako... I wanted to grab the opportunity to talk to him.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin. I didn't even know if he really loves me like he claimed. With what I learned about Avo, everything he told me became questionable. Every action he did for me become tainted. Did he do all of that because he loves me... or because of Oli?

I had so many questions... and the only way I could get answers was if I'd let him back into my life. And I was figuring how I'd do that without him noticing my true intention.

Nung matapos na kaming kumain, agad akong tumayo.

"Thanks. I enjoyed the food," I told the chef, and then I began to walk towards my room.

Papunta ako sa kwarto ko nung mapatingin ako sa kwarto ni Avo... at sa dating kwarto ni Oli. My feet brought me there. Naka-tingin lang ako. Hindi ko alam kung papasok ba ako. Oli and I... we weren't exactly close. My parents already shipped me to Japan before we could even forge a strong bond. But I did talk to Oli once in a while. I knew he's a nice guy. Not exactly tailored for the kind of life the world was imposing on us. Kaya hindi na rin ako nagtaka kung bakit siya namatay. Kind people wouldn't last in this kind of life. I should know.

"Boe."

Biglang lumakas iyong tibok ng puso ko. Hindi agad ako nakagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. But maybe he felt the same... because silence enveloped us for a while.

"Can we talk?"

I braced myself.

"About what?"

"Can you look at me first?"

I clenched my fist.

"What do you want, Avo?" kalmadong sabi ko. I didn't want to lash out on him. I didn't want to blame him. Nothing was his fault. It was my decision to go out that night... It was my fault that that happened to me. I would gain nothing if I were to blame him for something that he had no control over...

But how could I get pass this feeling? That every time I would look at him, I would remember that night? How would I get close to him, if that's what goes on in my head whenever he's near me?

"Talk," he said.

"We're talking," I answered.

"No. I am talking. You're listening to refute whatever I have to say," he replied.

I sighed. He took a step closer. I held my breath. Alam ko na napansin niya iyong reaksyon ko... I saw pain shot across his eyes when I almost flinched at the proximity.

"With Ella..." he began. I didn't say anything. I wanted to hear this. "She's special to me—"

I cut him off.

"First, Avo, you don't tell your ex that your other ex is special to you. If for one second you think you're all that, let me tell you that I won't lower my standards just so I could fit you. At kung wala ka ng sasabihin, pwede na ba akong umalis?"

Nakatingin lang ako sa mga mata niya. There was that frustration again. Sino ka ba, Avo? Ano ba ako sa 'yo? Why were you punishing yourself to be with me if you're still in love with Ella?

Nagsisimula na sana akong maglakad nung magsalita siya.

"Why are you here, then?"

Napahinto ako.

"I belong here."

"Why only now?"

I stopped to find the answer inside me... but I got none. The only reason I was here was to find the answers to my questions... And to punish the person responsible for the horrid things that happened to me. And I couldn't tell him that. I couldn't tell the enemy about my plans. Because until I found the real culprit, everyone's my enemy.

"Because it was too idealistic of me to think that I could have a better life by pretending to be normal."

I hated it when he looked at me like that.

"And living here is normal?"

I shook my head.

"But I have a better shot at a semi-decent life. At least."

Tumalikod na ako at nagsimula ng maglakad nung magsalita siya ulit.

"I may have lied about things," he said. "But I was telling the truth when I said that I like you."

I turned and looked at him.

"Yeah... Too bad."

I didn't think I could feel anything anymore. Not until I was done with my unfinished business.

--

The entire Sunday was spent plotting my next moves. I knew I needed to get close to Avo again, but I was finding it challenging. I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I couldn't stand too near. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawin iyon kung iniisip ko pa lang na malapit siya ay para na akong malalagutan ng hininga.

And when Monday came, I was in no better shape. The people were looking at me, probably still in the state of shock nung malaman nila na isa rin akong Dieux. I didn't have spare time to humor them. I badly wanted to finish my business here so that I could go outside. Another second inside this hellhole would mess with my sanity.

There was still a few minutes left before the class officially started. Nanatili ako na nakaupo sa isang concrete bench sa harap ng building. There were people around me. I liked the security of having eyes looking at me.

"Good morning."

I glared at him.

"Are you following me?"

Tumawa naman siya. He's eating lollipop again.

"We're classmates."

"I know. How unfortunate."

Naupo siya sa tabi ko. My heart started to race because he was too near.

"How can you get close to Avo if you keep on shutting him down whenever he tries to get near you?"

Hindi ako makasagot. How would I explain to him that I was still in the state of being traumatized? That I couldn't have anyone near me? That every time someone tries to get too close, suddenly, I couldn't breathe? That even being around people made me want to vomit and cut myself? How do I explain that to him?

"Does he repulse you?"

I kept silent.

"You don't even have to like him, Estrella. You just have to play your cards right."

"Why do care so much?"

He looked at the sky.

"I told you I have a different way of showing my care," he said and then smiled at me.

He's really fúcked in the head.

--

It was sooner than I expected. During our class, we were given paired tasks. And since Avo's my seatmate (and because Night practically sold me out), si Avo ang naging ka-partner ko. And we were now face-to-face. Nowhere to run now.

"If you're not comfortable, I'll just do it alone," he said.

"No, it's okay," I replied. It's a research paper. I couldn't leave him to do it alone.

Tahimik kaming gumawa. I was reading while he was beginning the introductory part of our paper. Good thing we decided to make it thematic, so that we wouldn't be too forced to work alongside. Even if he was only in front of me, it was still too close.

"It's already late. Go to sleep," he said. We were already in the study room of the house. Hindi ko akalain na gagabihin kami dahil sa ginagawa namin. I had been testinig Avo's patience and I knew that he's wavering. I didn't want him to waver. I needed him to wait... hanggang kaya ko na ulit ang lumapit sa kanya.

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

"We're not even halfway done," I stated. It was already due tomorrow.

"I'll finish this."

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" tanong ko sa kanya.

He looked at me and sighed.

"What do you want from me, Boe? I talk to you and you push me away. Now, I'm giving you a way out and you get frustrated at me. What do you want?"

Napaawang iyong labi ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin sa kanya.

"Just tell me what you want from me," he said, exasperated. "Don't keep me second guessing all the time. I'm not your toy."

At saka siya tumayo at iniwanan ako. Akmang susundan ko pa sana siya nung mapansin ko na may nahulog sa sahig. It was a photo dated three years ago—a few days before Oli's death. And at the back of it, 'Summer of 20xx' was written—at may tatlong lalaki na nakatalikod. But even then, I knew that Oli was one of them... and Avo was the other one. Pero sino iyong isa?