I leaned up against the wall and just cried more then I have ever cried before. Someone touched my shoulder and I started to panic a little "Alessa calm down mate it's just me." It was Julian and behind him was Alexa I relaxed a little Alexa grabbed me and hugged me tight.

"It's really over now and it's my fault." "Shhh it's going to be okay."  I wanted to believe that all of this was going to be okay but nothing in me felt okay. It was totally shattered and I wasn't sure it would be okay at all.

I didn't want to be around anyone right now, I pulled away from Alexa and took off walking."Where are you going?" Alexa half shouts at me but I just ignore her, I just wanted to be alone where no one would bother, me and there was only one place I knew that stayed open this late where no one would be on a Friday night.

I make my way to the University library and I was glad that no one was there. I walked around up and down the aisles of the library not looking for anything just walking. Finally I stopped in one and just laid there in the aisle and cried.

For the rest of the night I laid in the aisle I could see the sun starting to shine through the windows. My eyes hurt and I was pretty sure they were puffy and swollen, I didn't feel good I was cold and my body ached.

I got up and made my way home I was starting to shiver and I was sweating. I finally made it home and made it through the door Alexa and Julian were sitting at the table. "Where the hell were you? I was worried."

I stared at her I couldn't say anything I was tired and my whole body hurt "Alessa what's wrong?" She got up and walked over to me that was the last thing I remember before everything went black. I could hear people talking around me but my eyes felt heavy and I couldn't open them.

"She is burning up we need to get her to the emergency room." I could hear someone say but that was it.

When I finally woke up I felt like I was laying under the sun it was really bright and I had a hard time getting my eyes to adjust to the light. I looked around I was laying in a hospital bed, no one was in the room.

I was going to get out of the bed when Alexa and Clarissa walked in the room. "Oh my gosh you are awake." Clariss says to me "Just lay back down we will get the nurse." I look over at Alexa "I want to go home." "You can't go home yet they want to keep you overnight."

"No I don't want to stay here I want to go home. I don't need to be here I know how to take care of myself." "Do you? Because look where we are Alessa." "I'm not staying here whether any of you like it or not, I'm not."

She walks out of the room and a few minutes later the nurse walks in. Her name was Hanna I had worked with her plenty of times, she smiles at me. "I want to go home." "You know that we need to keep you over night." 

"I also know what I need to do to take care of myself." "Alessa we have all seen you these past few months you have not been taking care of yourself like you should and you know that too." "Please just get the release forms because I am leaving today." 

"Fine we won't try to keep you here but you need to start taking care of yourself Alessa you are severely dehydrated and that can cause a lot more problems." "I know." She leaves the room and a few minutes later she comes back in the room with my forms.

She takes out my IV and I sign the papers and she leaves. I change into my clothes and I walk out of the room. Alexa and Julian were standing there "Hey mate you really think you should be going home right now?" 

"Yes so can we leave?" He nods to me as we go find Clarissa sitting in the lobby and next to her is someone I did not want to see. "Why is he here?" I say to both Julian and Alexa "He was worried about you." "Well he doesn't need to be I don't concern him anymore." I tried to hurry out of there but Will stopped me.

"Alessa?" "I can't do this." I say to him as I walk away from him and get in the car. I could see Alexa talking to him and then she hurried over and got in the car and we left.I was staring out the window not saying anything but I kept feeling everyone in the car was just watching me. I would take glances and see Alexa and Julian both taking glances at me from the mirrors. I looked over to see  Clarissa staring at me.

"I don't need you all looking after me like you are." I was glad when we finally got home I walked into my room closed the door and just laid on my bed. I didn't move from there for a while, it was late but I decided to get up and go get me some water.

I could hear Alexa and Julian in the kitchen they were whispering I knew they were talking about me. I walked into the kitchen they both just stared at me "I know yall are talking about me." "We are worried about you Alessa."

"You don't need to worry about me I'm fine." "No you aren't Alessa we can all see it, and yes we do worry about you Alessa because believe it or not their are plenty of people who are worried about you." I knew she meant William as she said this and it only made me mad.

"Well people just need to mind their own business because my business isn't theirs to worry about." "Alessa..." "No Alexa what is it that you want me to do or say? Do you want me to walk around here crying all day because I ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me? Am I just supposed to break down and tell you how much I am hurting.

I don't know what any of you want from me. I can't walk around here being sad because you all worry I can't walk around here like nothing is wrong because you all are worry. What can I do so that you all won't be worried about me. Yes I am hurting and there is nothing any of you can do to take that away. Yes I am going to walk around here like everything is fine because there is nothing any of you can do to make it better.

So please stop talking in hushed tones and watching me like I am just going to flip out or something any minute. Tell whoever else is worried about me that they need to stop because I don't concern them anymore. "

"He still cares about you, you know?" I start to cry "That's not enough Julian it's not enough for him to still care about me when he is happy with someone else. It's never going to be enough for me to only have part of him in my life, I can't watch him love someone else when I still love him. So understand that I can't accept the care he has for me now because it won't bring him back to me. I would rather him just not be apart of my life at all. Please tell me that you both understand that? Because I need someone to understand something."

I fall to the floor "Please understand." I put face in my hands as I just cry Alexa comes over and hold me as she cries with me. "I understand and I am so sorry." "I can't do this Alexa, I feel like my heart has been ripped out my chest, I feel empty and I feel lost. I just want this all to go away I just want to go away."

"What are you saying?" "I'm saying that I need to get away from here, from the states in general. I applied to finish the rest of my studies abroad and I have been accepted. Next semester I will be leaving to Spain. I only found out a few days ago that I was accepted I was planning on telling everyone yesterday. After yesterday and today it's best for me to be away from everyone. I think I might actually lose my mind if I stay here."

"Why didn't you ever tell me it was this bad?" She was crying again "Because what can you possibly do to make all of this go away? I was okay with it I had already accepted that Will and I were done but I still wasn't ready to let go. Then I saw pictures of him and Melissa and I tried so hard to make sure that I didn't open that door again because I didn't want this to happen.

Then you all showed up at the club last night and I knew that whether I was ready or not it was going to be my last goodbye. I can't just have part of him without wanting all of him so I don't want any of him. Now that he lives in LA it's too close so I'm going to leave before I loose what little of myself I still have left."

"Even if I couldn't help you I still could have been there for you. You were doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing Alexa you were living your life. That's what I want for all of you just to live your lives without having to worry about me. Seeing all of you happy makes me want to be happy I just want you all to be happy."

"But you're not happy Alessa I've watched you these past few months killing yourself with school and all this stuff to keep your mind off of Will it breaks my heart." "I wish I could accept him as a friend, and I wish this was easier but every time I see him it gets harder." 

"You all need to just live your lives Alexa and know that I will be okay eventually. There is nothing more any of you can do for me when it comes to this." "Alessa we can be there for you and let you know that we are always here for you. I know you are hurting but you can't keep living like this it's not good for you." 

"I know and I'm sorry to all of you." 

No matter how hard I tried to accept it my heart wanted all or none of him. There was no in between for us, there was no longer an us and I was going to have to accept that. It was slowly consuming me the fact that I had said my last goodbye and he was going to be happy with someone else.

I wanted to fight for him but I had made his mind up for him when I said the things I did to him. I knew no matter how hard I fought I would still be in this same place. The difference between this time and the time he had hurt me was that I already had it in my mind that I wanted him.

It didn't matter how much he had hurt me I still wanted him. He already had it in his mind that I didn't want him and so he decided that I didn't want him. I had done that I pushed him into someone else's arms and so I had to accept that he was gone.