The night seemed long I couldn't get to sleep, it was only the day before I was actually leaving and I could't sleep. There was a soft knock on the door and then it opened "You awake?" It was Alexa "Yes." 

She came over and laid beside me on the bed, "Can't sleep?" I shake my head "Me either I know you don't leave until tomorrow but I'm going to miss you so much. We have been together our whole lives I have always had you there with me and now you aren't going to be here anymore." 

Alexa was a huge part of my life, she has literally been my back bone since we decided to leave Texas and move to New York and I won't have her there. It was going to be a big change for all of us but I knew she would be okay. She has a new backbone now an Australian one and I had no doubt in my mind that she would be okay here.

I hug her tight "It's scary to know that everyone I love is going to be so far away. I have always had you or Dom right there with me and I won't this time." "You are going to do great Alessa this has been a dream of yours since I can remember and it's happening."

It was happening and it was exciting and scary all at the same time, I was going to be leaving everyone I care about but I was going to start this new adventure and meet new people. "Just don't find a new best friend when you are gone." I laugh "No one could ever replace you Alexa."

"So how are things with Will?" "We have and understanding of the situation right now, we both need time to find ourselves again and be happy. I think he feels like I'm telling him goodbye, but I'm not. I in no way want to say goodbye to him I just know that we can't be together right now."

"So how is that going to work? You are going to be gone and he is going to be here." "We are going to start over we are just going to be friends for right now and see where that takes us. I don't want him to feel like he needs to wait for me, I want him to live his life and be happy and if we were meant to be together then we will be and if not then it's okay." "You will be okay with that? Alessa what we watched you go through these past like 7 months was not just for nothing right?"

"In the end no matter what happens with Will and I it wasn't for nothing. I love him very much and I will always love him he is always going to hold a special place in my heart, but everything that has happened was not for nothing. Even if we don't end up together it's helped me realize that I am lost, I don't know who I am anymore and I need to find me again. Maybe that means everything about me changes and that's okay but I need to be better then I am now."

"I understand there was a time when I totally lost myself and you know what that was like better then anyone. You watched me and you stayed by me when everyone else had left, and it was hard but in the end it was worth it. I guess we all have a time in our lives when we hit the bottom but we all need to get back up and start over. I know it's not easy to get back up but you have to do it because there is something better waiting at the top." 

I smile at her and hug her "I'm going to reach the top no matter what, I will reach the top." "It's going to be a change that is for sure but I know that you will be okay you have Julian now and even though I don't want to think I have been replaced by him I know I have and I'm okay with that. I love Julian he has been a really good friend to me and he has been really good to you. He makes you happy and that is all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy."

"Let's all get together one last time today and just all be together." "That sounds like a great idea." "I'm gonna go back to bed and when I wake up I will let everyone know. I love you Alessa." "I love you too Alexa." She leaves the room and I lay there staring at the nothingness it was dark in my room and I couldn't see anything.

I hear the door slowly opening I knew it was William "Will you lay with me?" I ask him. He climbs into the bed and I move close to him. I lay my head on his chest and he wraps his arms around me. "Can you promise me something?" "I love you Alessa and I would do anything for you." 

"Will you live your life when I'm gone? I don't want you to wait for me and I don't want to feel like I'm holding you back from anything or anyone." "Alessa I don't want to hear that, I don't want to hear you tell me that if I happen to find someone I should pursue that. I want you don't you get that?"

"Yes Will I get it trust me I get it but it's not fair for you to wait a year for me. It doesn't feel right." "Why? Is it because you plan on moving on when you leave?" "I don't want to fight with you Will and how could you even think that?" "I'm just trying to understand Alessa, because I don't understand."

He turns on the bedside lamp and he sits up with his back leaning against the headboard. I couldn't look at him he grabs me and moves me on to him and I'm now straddling him. He puts his knees up and I lean my back against them he puts his hand under my chin and makes me look at him. 

"Please help me understand." I could feel the tears, I didn't want to cry but I couldn't hold it in. he puts his hand on my cheek and wipes the tears running down my cheek with his thumb. "Alessa?" "I'm going to be gone for a while and I don't want you to wait for me. I don't want to feel like I am making you wait for me." 

"I understand what you mean Alessa but I feel like you are telling me that this is it for us. When you leave that's it you are gone and we are done." I shake my head and he wraps his arms around my waist and leans his forehead against mine. "I need you in my life Will even if it's just as friends I need you in my life and it's something that I don't understand but I know I need you." 

"I'm here Alessa and I will always be here for you, have you not figured that out yet?" The look in his eye and everything about this moment I knew he was telling me the truth. I wrap my arms around him and I kiss him hard, I love him and he makes me crazy but I love him and in this moment everything changed. 

Both of us so attuned to each other, it was just him and me there was so much love in this moment. It was deeper then before, it was Earth shattering our breathing now heavy as our hands roamed around each other bodies. Skin to skin and it was like my whole body had come alive again. I had let everything go, all the hurt, all the sadness I felt until there was nothing left but the love I had for him.

It looked like I wouldn't be getting very much sleep after all, it was just him and I on the Earth in our own little world and I wanted to stay there for as long as I could. In the back of my mind I knew that reality was waiting and I was going to have to make decisions but not right now, I couldn't right now, I didn't want to.

Everything right now was perfect it was just William and I lost in each other, I didn't want to let that go. We laid there wrapped in each others arms neither of us saying anything but we didn't need to. Now that I had come back down to reality I knew that whatever came next wasn't going to be easy.

How had I managed to make things a lot harder for myself? It was an easy answer Will, that was it the answer William Singe the only person besides myself who could cause this much confusion in my life. I had let him in every part of me my heart, mind, every pore from head to toe he was there.

Maybe I wasn't lost to myself but I had gotten so lost in love, in William that it felt like I was lost in myself. Was it a good kind of lost? The answer I thought I knew and before this I would have said no. Maybe it was good in a sense that I was to lost in it all that I needed to pull myself out.

Maybe that will forever be an unaswered question because maybe I get to lost in it and I need a way to come back. What kind of life would that be though, because this journey was not all rainbows and butterflies.

Maybe, just maybe I am reading to much into this just like I do everything else. Whatever it was it led me here to this moment I was happy, no I was more then happy in this moment and I wanted it to stay like that forever.

Here it is though, reality and I was going to have to make a choice. I was either going to go to Spain and be gone for a year, a lot can change in a year and maybe that is what I need. Or I was going to stay here and be happy with William, maybe it will only be for a few days, weeks, or even months but I wouldn't know that if I left.

I woulnd't know where our relationship goes from here, but if I don't go to Spain I miss out on something I dreamnt about my whole life. Was love really worth my dreams? I was pulled out of my thought when Will wrapped his arms tighter around my waist.

"Stop thinking about it." "About what?" "I can litterally feel you thinking about all of this and you don't need to." "Yes I do Will because everything has changed." "No it hasnt' Alessa you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing and that means leaving to Spain. I won't tell you that you need to stay not for me not for anyone or anything. We will all be here supporting you and waiting for you when you come back. I will be here waiting for you when you come back."

I hadn't realized I was crying "Why are you crying?" Why was I really crying? "I don't really know." I say to him, I was happy and sad I was going to be leaving but I wasn't sure I wanted to now. I think some part of me wanted him to ask me to stay, maybe it was because I wanted to know that he needed me here.

"I think there was some part of me that wanted you to ask me to stay. Maybe it's because I want to know that you need me here." He laughs "Alessa I do need you but I can't be selfish this time. I need you to go to Spain because you deserve to live your dream, you deserve this and you need to go."

"What if I want to be selfish and stay?" "I won't let you even if I have to drag you to the air port and on to the plane myself. Why would you want to give that up?" "Because I love you and I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave everyone that I love here because I will be alone there."

He shakes his head "Those are just excuses Alessa and I won't let you start making excuses not to leave. In the end it is your choice but don't do it because of me or because you will be alone there. Make the choice because it's something you want with your whole heart and soul because you know that it's the right one."

"Okay." I whishper to him he turns off the lamp and I lay my head on his chest. He was right about it all  but I know that whatever my choice is I was going to be okay.